Your husband hates your sister because she wouldn't give up part of her body and he doesn't get what he wants... Your husband is a gaping a$$hole with an entitlement complex.

Sometimes we don't get what we want. The story doesn't always go the way we hope it would. That's called "life" and most non-toddlers understand this.

If your relationship with your own sister is "never the same" because she would've give up part of her body so you can make a biological child, you don't deserve a sister.

Adopt. Foster. Get a dog, for fecks sake! Save your pennies, get a second job, and buy an egg if having a biokid is so important to you/your spouse.

But, really? I don't think the world needs more of either of your DNA. You both sound intolerably self-absorbed.

Anonymous wrote: What kind of husband and father would he be now?

You seem to have already answered this question. He's a jerk.

I had this feeling about my "good guy" spouse before we were married. I ignored it, because he was "such a good guy". I ignored his crap behavior for nearly a decade after we married, because he was "such a good guy." We're separated now, with 2 kids in the mix. I wish I'd listened to my gut.

OP, he may indeed be a good guy, but that doesn't mean he's right for you. And while he may be totally cool with doing his own restricted/regimented thing while you do your free-spirit thing, that kind of diametrically-opposed personality clash is likely to cause problems for you down the line.

You say you're "getting closer to engagement". Umm, I don't know what that means, exactly, but it sounds like you have some time to sort this out. Maybe you just have cold feet about the idea of marriage? Maybe you and this guy ought to talk about what you expect from a marriage/married relationship, and how that would play out with your different personalities.

Don't ignore your gut, though. It may not be telling you "run away" but it's trying to tell you something. Take some time and get clear on how you feel.

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced is easy these days. Sticking it out, honoring your vows--that's hard.

Women are financially self sufficient and no longer need to stay in a marriage for financial security. Women and men have been lying and cheating in marriages since the dawn of time. Now, it's just easier to say, I'm not putting up with this crap anymore and walk away.

Historically marriage was never about love. It was about joining forces, creating security, producing off spring to carry on the family. Now that marriage is dependent upon love, it's much harder to keep that going. Love can come and go over the years and what you loved about someone in your 20s may not be the same qualities you would look for in your 50s.

Historically, marriage was about protecting and increasing power and wealth, specifically that of the male. More women today have their own jobs, credit, etc. and can have some agency in their decision to marry, and to stay married or not. Some women don't. Women still make less than men, and there are still codified power structures in place that work against women being truly equal. Childcare and other domestic work is still seen as feminine, and largely valueless, and that dynamic dramatically reduces a woman's economic mobility. But it's better for us than it was for our grandmothers, and their grandmothers. We can own property now! We can vote! And sometimes, we vote to leave.

Of course, if your partner has already checked out, that decision was made unilaterally and there really isn't much you can do. Trying to convince someone who wants to leave you that you're worth sticking around for is the ultimate betrayal of self. Let them walk.

If it's a no-fault divorce, keep your dirty laundry to yourself. No need to make accusations about "emotional abuse" and dredge up old emails. Just file your paperwork, crunch the numbers, and be done with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about the mental health of mom? Her quality of life? Should she be a miserable mom in an unhappy marriage for the sake of a child?

Yes. You sacrifice for your children. That's what you do.

Anonymous wrote:You do realize this leads to depression and anxiety hence the reason some many couples around here are on meds.

Divorce is far more devastating for the mental health of the child, leading to lifelong depression and anxiety.

Oh stop with this nonsense. Yes, obviously, a contentious divorce and parents who use their kid(s) as pawns in their relationship chess can have devastating effects on a child. But so can watching their parents try and fail to coexist in a contentious, loveless marriage of daily strife. I got my "lifelong depression and anxiety" (which is perfectly manageable thanks to some solid counseling) from the latter, so don't think OP is doing the kid a favor by "sacrificing" her happiness, sanity, and quality of life.

OP, it's not your job to convince your partner. It's your job to make a decision. If you file for a divorce, he's not left with much choice. Yes, he may drag his feet and make a scene about it, but that's the sort of variable you need to factor into your decision. Split. Separate. Leave, if that's what your gut is saying. Sometimes, that's the wake-up call that shifts things enough to make them functional again. Sometimes, it's the first formal step toward a divorce.

But the question isn't "is it worth it to convince partner..." it's "Is it time to leave?" If it is, GTFO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With kids comes an obligation for constructive collaboration, for the larger good of the children. You may need to hold your nose, but always remember that you love your kids more than you despise him/her.

This sounds fine and noble. No doubt there is a wide margin for how you define constructive. But also leaves for yet more abuse from the Ex. Sometimes they just can't help themselves.

+1 Sometimes loving your kids means keeping them sheltered from a dysfunctional, toxic parent. Ex for a reason, right?

Wow. I can imagine it feels great to be rid of all that.

Why were you friends in the first place?!

In my experience, it's possible to stay "friendly" but that doesn't mean you're close friends. It's easier if you allow some time apart to ease the emotional intensity, especially with something like infidelity.

Low expectations, open communication, and being actively involved in and anchored to your own life will all help.

And time. Lots of time. And a lot of time apart to start.

I have a few friends who have done this sort of thing with medical supervision, using shakes (MediFast, maybe? I don't remember the exact type...). I have a sibling who had bariatric surgery and was prescribed a vlcd for recovery/retraining.

It's like any other diet, OP: it will work, as long as you're on it. Eventually you'll slip up, or fall off the wagon, or decide that you'd like to have something other than a chalky shake. Odds are you'll rebound and gain more than you lost, partially because you've still got the same mentality about food/eating, and partially because you've messed up your metabolism in a big way.

You didn't get this big in a matter of months. You can't expect to shrink dramatically in a matter of months either, at least not in a sustainable way.

Keep a food journal. Exercise, including lifting heavy. Make healthy food substitutions that help you create a calorie deficit that's manageable and even enjoyable. Treat your body with kindness and respect.

And FTLOG, get a second opinion, or just fire this quack and get a new doc altogether.

Anonymous wrote:Please excuse any incorrect vocabulary. This is new to me!

I just spoke to the parents of one of our neighbors and dear friends. They are beginning the process (?) of helping their child switch genders. The child is 7. There's obviously a LOT more info that they shared with us but isn't necessary to this post.
Basically, I just want to know what to say and how to support them. The parents, of course, are under the guidance of top experts in this field. I don't want to ask THEM for help as they already have enough going on. I want to be equipped with good responses, questions, vocab, and emotional strength!
I will begin to read some books....any suggestions? Any articles? Anything I should say beyond, "we are here to support you!"
The parents are wonderful and accepting, but this is very difficult and emotional for them. We want them to know we aren't downplaying the challenges but also want to let them know that we are 110% on board.
We love them dearly and want to support them and the child.

Any advice is SO appreciated.

Just be honest. "This is new to me, and I'm honestly not quite sure what to say, but I want you to know that you and (child's name) have my full support 110%!" with a side of "How can I help?" if you're actually willing to help.

Then show up, and listen. And when you come across questions, Google is your friend. Or PFLAG: https://www.pflag.org/allies

Wait to tell them, and tell them why you waited (if needed). There's nothing they can do for the dog; this doesn't need to be their burden.

Sorry to hear it, OP. Losing a pet always hurts.

Inflammatory, sure. But no lies detected.

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:Can you people parse the difference between acting in a supportive fashion and being (presumably sole) emotional support? Try. Try really hard.

The kid recognized his parent was nervous and sat close and gave back pats. This isn't miraculous, it's just sweet. Not all adult men know how to do this, or understand that some women find it valuable. In fact, many of them take the problem solver approach instead.

The fact that OP recognizes the kids supportive behavior doesn't mean she relies on his emotional support, or prefers kid's support to husband's.

About the only conclusion you can draw from the post is that perhaps OP would benefit from having a convo w/ her spouse re: what she finds supportive when she's nervous (e.g. "When I'm stressed, I'd like it if you sit close to me and listen quietly. I don't need or want an answer, I just want to know you're there.")

Calm down.

Did you miss the part where OP admits she tells her son it's not his job to support her? Why does OP's son feel like he has to? Sure it could be that he's just a hyper senstive kid, but it could also point to OP needing to manage her emotions better.

Or it could point to OP and her spouse being good parents and the kid having grown up thinking that supporting those you love is just what you do. That, of course, is the simplest answer, and most likely to be correct. The kid wouldn't necessarily put distinctions on that behavior (grown ups support kids, but kids don't have to support grown ups) without having that particular social rule stated.

Which, as you read, OP clearly did. So calm down.

Can you people parse the difference between acting in a supportive fashion and being (presumably sole) emotional support? Try. Try really hard.

The kid recognized his parent was nervous and sat close and gave back pats. This isn't miraculous, it's just sweet. Not all adult men know how to do this, or understand that some women find it valuable. In fact, many of them take the problem solver approach instead.

The fact that OP recognizes the kids supportive behavior doesn't mean she relies on his emotional support, or prefers kid's support to husband's.

About the only conclusion you can draw from the post is that perhaps OP would benefit from having a convo w/ her spouse re: what she finds supportive when she's nervous (e.g. "When I'm stressed, I'd like it if you sit close to me and listen quietly. I don't need or want an answer, I just want to know you're there.")

Calm down.