Let's play "who's the jerk?" - or at least sympathize with my situation
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Anonymous
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Let's see... how to abridge this story... My husband married me with the hope and expectation that we would have a family, but after several years and a few painful losses, we now know that I'm infertile and only with donor eggs can we have a child. I have a younger sister who at first agreed to give us eggs, but about three months ago she changed her mind shortly before we were to start. Purchasing donors eggs will be prohibitively expensive. I am hurt, but I also understand her fears and concerns, and even if our relationship is never the same, I still love her - she is my sister, and we have always been close. My husband hates her now, and on top of that he's soured on my parents for not getting involved or talking to him about how he feels. He says he feels like nobody in my family cares about his feelings. The truth is that my father never thought it was a good idea in the first place, but he didn't get involved when we were planning to do the egg donation and he's not getting involved now. My mother tried to console my husband shortly after my sister changed her mind, but he said he didn't want to talk about it without me present, and the topic has not been raised in my family's presence since. My parents are incredibly warm and loving people who have welcomed my husband into the family and treated him like their own son.
Since this all happened, my mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer and begun chemo. My father has a heart condition. They are both under tremendous strain, and a rift between my sister and me will only compound their stress, so I am pretending like everything is fine and focusing on taking care of my mother. My husband cannot bear to be around any of them. He says hateful things about my sister (to me, not to my parents) and declares that he will never be in the same room with her again. This is all painful for me to listen to - she has hurt me, but I do love her. The one time he came to my parents' house for a meal recently he was grumpy and rude. I am trying to be sensitive - I mean, the man is absorbing the realization that he will likely never be a father - but his behavior is making a bad situation so much worse. If he can't get past this, I'm thinking we may have to divorce - I have always been very close to my family, and I will not pull away from them, especially now. When things come to a head, my husband realizes he's going to lose me and promises to get over it for my sake, but he just cannot. I don't know how much time to give this until I say "enough." Do I need to try to be more understanding, or is he really out of line? Thanks for reading. I feel pretty lost. |
Anonymous
| If he got married to have a family then the marriage can no longer fulfill its purpose for him and an amicable divorce is in everyone's best interest. |
Anonymous
| Check the resolve.org website for a counselor for you and your dh. I'm sorry for your troubles. Infertility takes a toll on the strongest of marriages. |
Anonymous
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Wtf? No one has the rights to your sisters eggs but her. She probably learned more about how medically risky it is. It could have significant health repercussions for her. You should not be angry at your sister at all. Disappointed for yourself, yes. But angry at your sister or sister in law? No.
Wow. Talk about entitled |
Anonymous
I don't know how strong the marriage was to start. But he does love me, and he is loyal. He also has a terrible temper, and as I told him yesterday, if we ultimately don't have a child it will be because his tantrums made me decide not to procreate with him. So he should blame himself - and maybe me - but not my sister. |
Anonymous
I'm not angry at her. I'm disappointed and a bit hurt. |
Anonymous
| Methinks there is much more to this novel. |
Anonymous
| Raising your sister's (biological) kid would present a lot of unique challenges. Not surprising she would back out. |
Anonymous
Having been raised by a father with a temper I would NEVER raise a child with a husband who has one. I spent a LOT of years terrified of my father, truly certain he would kill me. As a teen, around 16 or 17 something in me snapped and I promised myself that in order to have respect for myself, the next time he hit me, I was going to fight back. I had a big talk about this with myself and was like "You realize the second you raise your hand to him he's going to KILL you, right? You'll have won the battle but lost the war. Are you SURE you want to do this?" And I said yes. Something in how I carried myself must have changed because he never hit me again. In all my 20's if any older male raised his voice to me, I got tears in my eyes. I would never put a child through what I went through. |
Anonymous
| OP here - thank you for the feedback, but nobody has answered my question: Is my husband being unreasonable, or am I being insensitive? Or maybe both? |
Anonymous
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He is being unreasonable.
Do you really want to have children with him? |
Anonymous
At this point, not really. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry for what you are going through, OP. Your husband is being unreasonable. I understand that he is in pain but he is directing all of his anger at your sister, unfairly. He is not entitled to her eggs and your family has other issues going on far more important than trying to console your husband. He doesn't seem to understand that and seems consumed by his anger and grief. You both should seek counseling to work through your feelings. If this isn't something he can get over then it doesn't bode well for your marriage. FWIW I think you are handling everything well by being there for your family when they need you. I hope your DH can move past this. |
Anonymous
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Terrible temper = poor emotional regulation. Your husband is entitled to his feelings but he is behaving inappropriately. I would also hazard to guess that he's also controlling and this is just the latest, perhaps more obvious, example. I would imagine your husband's behavior confirms to your sister that she made the right decision not to allow him to father and raise her bio-child.
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Anonymous
| Well if these is how he acts when your mother has cancer and can't step up I would divorce him. You can find a new spouse. You can't find a new sister. |