Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
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Anonymous
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I am 25, and for a couple years, I've been dating a man who I should be excited to marry. He is very hardworking, good looking, smart, supports my goals, comforts me when I'm upset, a provider (he earns twice what I do), and I never question his faithfulness for a second. He is so kind and loving to me. He makes me a priority and treats me very well. But he is so reliable that there is almost no room for spontaneity - he has a strict daily schedule he won't break from, he doesn't drink, he's an extremely picky eater who doesn't eat entire food groups (including dessert), hates nightlife, very risk adverse, and doesn't really like people in general. As we get closer and closer to engagement, at night I keep myself awake thinking: "what are you doing?" and have a general sick to my stomach feeling about marriage whenever someone mentions it.
He has so many great, rare qualities that I appreciate but I can't shake this gut feeling. On the other hand, I don't want to break up with him. Every week I kick the can down the road, thinking I'll see how my time with him goes and break up with him if it feels right. When I'm with him, I love him and am happy. But as when we part, the gut feeling kicks in. My head says he's a great guy and I should stay. My gut says break up. Does anyone have any experience with this irrational gut feeling about a relationship? Did you stay or leave, and how did it turn out? |
ThatBetch
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I had this feeling about my "good guy" spouse before we were married. I ignored it, because he was "such a good guy". I ignored his crap behavior for nearly a decade after we married, because he was "such a good guy." We're separated now, with 2 kids in the mix. I wish I'd listened to my gut.
OP, he may indeed be a good guy, but that doesn't mean he's right for you. And while he may be totally cool with doing his own restricted/regimented thing while you do your free-spirit thing, that kind of diametrically-opposed personality clash is likely to cause problems for you down the line. You say you're "getting closer to engagement". Umm, I don't know what that means, exactly, but it sounds like you have some time to sort this out. Maybe you just have cold feet about the idea of marriage? Maybe you and this guy ought to talk about what you expect from a marriage/married relationship, and how that would play out with your different personalities. Don't ignore your gut, though. It may not be telling you "run away" but it's trying to tell you something. Take some time and get clear on how you feel. |
Anonymous
| At 25, it's time to start trusting and listening to your gut. It's been your inner voice for a quarter of a century. It knows you better than anyone else. That feeling you have---it's your inner voice telling you that for some reason this just isn't right. |
Anonymous
| You know when you know. |
Anonymous
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You didn't mention anything about love or attraction or even enjoying the time you spend with him.
Do you actually like being around him? It seems to me you are very fixated on "he's a good guy." But it's also important that you enjoy being with him. |
Anonymous
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Do you love him? How's your sex life?
I married the good guy after dating the wild guys. But I fell in love with the good guy, so it works. He's not wild like the other guys I dated, but according to FB those wild guys ended up with rather unconventional, unstable jobs/lives. How long have you been together? I'm a true believer in the two-year itch when it comes to young love. If you are around the two-year mark, give it six more months. |
Anonymous
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He sounds like he's the wrong fit for you. People only get more ingrained in their habits as they get older.
Cut your losses. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like he has OCD. Can you live with this? He may be a secure catch but man does he sound dull. |
Anonymous
| Did you feel this way, end it. |
Anonymous
| Beta loser for sure. YOu can keep him for the money, etc but you definitely need alpha action. |
Anonymous
| There are good guys who like to have fun and eat a varied diet, too. Imagine your life with him at 60? Do you like what you envision? |
Anonymous
| If he's that strict and won't budge on his schedule how's he going to be w/ kids? They are very unpredictable. If your gut says to leave them you should trust it. |
Anonymous
does your good guy know about your past? |
Anonymous
Yep. Why? |
Anonymous
This is OP - thank you to you and to the other posters, this does help put things in perspective. If I were to break up with him, how can articulate all of this? I have never broken up with someone before. |