Divorce and Seperation

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[Post New]08/15/2016 10:44
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I disagree that our parents tried harder to make their marriages work.

Growing up, a sizeable number of my friends' parents split up. This was in the mid-80s/mid-90s in the Maryland suburbs. Very few of my friends are divorced after 10-15 years of marriage.


A lot of divorces happen after the last kid leaves the house. I don't know if our parents worked harder at marriage, but think the expectations around marriage have increased and continue to do so. People are not realistic.
[Post New]08/15/2016 10:46
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Anonymous
My ex just wanted to leave when the kids were 6 and 3. I was blindsided. There was no discussion of issues, no asking for therapy, nothing except he wanted to leave. Um, OK, then leave. Fortunately I was independent, I always worked and continued to do so. I met a great guy and got remarried. It is my kids who got the sh!! end of this deal.
[Post New]08/15/2016 13:05
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

I agree with your sentiment. However, my exDW is a cheat and it turns out a compulsive liar.
I think there should be a an overhaul of the law. It should reflect that marriage is temporary and the idea of fidelity etc is quaint and antiquated. The notion that your 'temporary live-in fwb' gets 50% of your assets and pension should also go.



I think you have posted before. Why don't you find a new woman and forget about the ex?


Don't worry I have forgotten about the ex! No - I won't get married again - not 'worth' it.
[Post New]08/15/2016 13:47
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Anonymous
OP, I understand your point, however you have to keep in mind that often people get married young and people do change over time. You of course hope that the both of you grow together, but sometimes that is just not the way life is. People change and people grow apart and often the person they fell in love with is no longer recognizable. I know that I am not the same person I was when I got married. I happen to think I have changed for the better, but my DH would like to think otherwise. I am no longer the submissive, shy, do what you say girl and my DH feels as though he has lost "control". He is also not the person I married either. He has turned into a mean SOB and I am sure it is due to his resentment. We are in therapy and have been for quite some time and honestly I am not sure there is much left to save. We both really don't like the people we have become. I am glad that things worked out for you and your husband, but quite frankly I think life is entirely way too short to live with someone that makes you miserable for 5, 10, 15+ years, especially if after that time period things DO NOT improve, or even get worse. You also make reference to the children and you can be assured that in marriages where there is no love left, it can be felt by the children. The tension is unbelievable. I am not a person that believes a family should remain in misery, where the two parents have lost respect and love for one another. If you don't think that causes damage to children, I think you are living in another universe. None of us should judge when a person has tried enough or has not in their marriage. Everyone has a breaking point, clearly you have a higher thresh hold than some....
[Post New]08/15/2016 13:58
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Anonymous
I divorced after 5 years of counseling, two teenage kids. But I agree with OP. Looking back I think I did not do enough to make it work, even though he definitely bullied me and didn't respect me. We stuck with a really terrible marriage counselor and I could have insisted on a switch. We disagreed about raising our child, we could have gotten a parenting coordinator. We fought over money issues even though we had plenty. I avoided sex but we could have gotten help for that. I just pretty much didn't stand up for my point of view and let him walk out of it. He's with someone new and who stands up for herself, and I'm still alone.
Please think long and hard about whether you could have done more before you throw in the towel. People can change.
[Post New]08/15/2016 14:48
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Anonymous
Getting divorced is easy these days. Sticking it out, honoring your vows--that's hard.

Women are financially self sufficient and no longer need to stay in a marriage for financial security. Women and men have been lying and cheating in marriages since the dawn of time. Now, it's just easier to say, I'm not putting up with this crap anymore and walk away.

Historically marriage was never about love. It was about joining forces, creating security, producing off spring to carry on the family. Now that marriage is dependent upon love, it's much harder to keep that going. Love can come and go over the years and what you loved about someone in your 20s may not be the same qualities you would look for in your 50s.

[Post New]08/15/2016 18:32
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ThatBetch
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced is easy these days. Sticking it out, honoring your vows--that's hard.

Women are financially self sufficient and no longer need to stay in a marriage for financial security. Women and men have been lying and cheating in marriages since the dawn of time. Now, it's just easier to say, I'm not putting up with this crap anymore and walk away.

Historically marriage was never about love. It was about joining forces, creating security, producing off spring to carry on the family. Now that marriage is dependent upon love, it's much harder to keep that going. Love can come and go over the years and what you loved about someone in your 20s may not be the same qualities you would look for in your 50s.



Historically, marriage was about protecting and increasing power and wealth, specifically that of the male. More women today have their own jobs, credit, etc. and can have some agency in their decision to marry, and to stay married or not. Some women don't. Women still make less than men, and there are still codified power structures in place that work against women being truly equal. Childcare and other domestic work is still seen as feminine, and largely valueless, and that dynamic dramatically reduces a woman's economic mobility. But it's better for us than it was for our grandmothers, and their grandmothers. We can own property now! We can vote! And sometimes, we vote to leave.

Of course, if your partner has already checked out, that decision was made unilaterally and there really isn't much you can do. Trying to convince someone who wants to leave you that you're worth sticking around for is the ultimate betrayal of self. Let them walk.

[Post New]08/15/2016 18:38
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Anonymous
OP, you sound very smug. NO ONE decides to divorce just on a whim for frivolous reasons. It is always a painful, difficult decision and most people stay much longer in their marriage than they should in an effort to find a way to somehow make it work. Thus, your post almost comes off as a humble brag and it is obnoxious.

[Post New]08/15/2016 19:46
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CallMeMaybe
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
CallMeMaybe wrote:My Ex was a terrible communicator, was never ever there for me in stressful times (a meeting in Boston was more important than being with me during a DC surgery), he went out all the time while I stayed home with our 2 year old daughter and worked full time. He slowly became the dirtbag that never grew up. Being a parent means being there.

I slowly hated living a lie and moved out. Big props to be. My freedom is everything to me.

Meanwhile after 6 months of separation he found a much younger woman and now they are engaged. And I'm watching history repeat itself. He can use his control tactics on her.


Well PP how silly you must have been to have married such a terrible person in the first place! Not only that--you procreated with him!!!

It MUST BE ALL HIS FAULT. (Cause he's a meany.)



You are funny. Nope, I didn't procreate. At the time I couldn't due to an unknown medical reason, we adopted. We adopted and he pushed for it. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I was only 24 when I met him, and now I know that narrassium grows with age. He wanted me to raise my kid essentailly by myself, work full time why he traveled for work, did 100 mile bike rides on the weekends and then went out to bars at night. I remember my daughter staring into space saying "Where's daddy?" That was the magic question. No, I don't want to fuck a man that can't communicate and abuses me, and tells me its all my fault. There is nothing sexy about that. I hope his new fiance puts out for him.

I clearly remember being in the throws of shit, holding it together for the look of status, him being horribly mean and still think its ok to touch my ass. No, see, I literally was only a body to this person. No thanks.

My story is tried and true. And I'll always say how it is. Funny enough, he still somehow thinks I want him, which is weird. I'm more just pissed he didn't even try. His foot was already out the door. He has acknowledged that she should've tried harder but it is what it is. We are very very different people. He's a man of status and how things look to the world. I am much more about love and respect and while I'm hot, I'm not going to be with a person that only sees that. Freedom is my superpower baby! The shackles of "should be" are gone forever. Cheers to me for having the balls to walk away. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. No doubt.
[Post New]08/15/2016 19:49
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:

I agree with your sentiment. However, my exDW is a cheat and it turns out a compulsive liar.
I think there should be a an overhaul of the law. It should reflect that marriage is temporary and the idea of fidelity etc is quaint and antiquated. The notion that your 'temporary live-in fwb' gets 50% of your assets and pension should also go.



Since marriage is so temporary to you, the loss is on you. Should have gotten a prenup.
[Post New]08/15/2016 19:56
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:

Do you think I'm wrong? If so, how did I know your sex life sucks?


You knew because anyone in a bad relationship most likely has an unfulfilling sex life. But this "denying your husband sex" comment is very revealing about you. Because guess what, women enjoy sex too, so a woman who 'denies her husband sex' simply finds sex unenjoyable. Why, then, should she have sex if it's unenjoyable? If a man expects sex regardless of whether the woman enjoys it or not, that is reprehensible. Sex is the canary in the coalmine: if the marriage is rocky, sex becomes just a physical outlet for the man and a humiliation for the woman. Men need to realize this and do something about it other than just bleating "she's denying me sex!"
[Post New]08/15/2016 21:33
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Anonymous
DH threatens to hurt us and I'm afraid to sleep. Really need to get out alive
[Post New]08/15/2016 21:48
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Anonymous
As 21:33 illustrates, there are many of us who are or have been in abusive marriages (emotional or physical). This kind of self-righteous, smug post isn't helpful. It is the kind of thing I would have read before I left my abusive ex, that would have made me think I should just stick it out a little longer. Try to be a little more perfect to avoid setting him off. Fuck that. Plenty of people have very good reasons to leave their marriages.
[Post New]08/15/2016 23:26
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I don't think that any of you are really in a position to judge whether or not a person has "tried hard enough" to save their marriage. For one thing, unless TWO people are trying, it really doesn't matter. For another, there are a lot of really shitty ways that spouses can treat each other that don't rise to actual abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, whatever).

Maybe the PP above could've "tried harder" to get her husband to communicate, but why should she have to beg her husband to spend time with her and not at bars with his friends? It sounds like HE'S not suited to marriage. She sounds like she is. At some point, it sounds like the PP decided that she didn't deserve the kind of relationship she had, and I don't understand why you think it's your business to say she didn't try hard enough.


Well said!
[Post New]08/16/2016 01:57
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Anonymous
My parents didn't work at their marriage. They just put up with each other. Even though they are still married, it's not something I want to emulate. They are both miserable just not as miserable as they were when I was growing up when they were still trying to change each other. They are old and tired and sad (for the life they wish they could've had with someone else). Just because you make it to the finish line still married doesn't mean you win.
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