New boyfriend, has a child he never sees.

[Anonymous]

I am 29, female. Have been dating a 32 year old man for 4 months, so it is still very new but given our ages and frequency of seeing each other, it's starting to get serious.
He disclosed to me at the very beginning that he has an 11 year old daughter that lives in California with her mother. I didn't ask too many questions at first, but as time goes on, I feel more comfortable sort of 'getting the whole story' without being nosey.
He was 21, new gf 'messed up' birth control. Gets pregnant. He is young and not expecting this.
He is in the babies life for the first couple years, but not together with the gf anymore, so his visits with the baby were merely visits. After those first two years, she moves to California with the baby to be closer to her sister.

He has been out there once. They come here about once every other year. So he never sees his daughter, never talks to her. She knows about her dad and who her dad is. I think they skype twice a year. He has contributed financially but that's it (has sent them $3.5k/ month since infancy). He describes it as.... Not wanting to interject into their lives. He wasn't 'with' the mom anymore and at the age of 23 was not about to move his entire life to California to sort of 'be there' when they were already starting a new family unit. I get that.

But, I'm just not sure what to think of this. Naive me is thinking 'WTF, that's your daughter..' And that this is a huge red flag. But mature me understands that not everything is black and white and there's lots of dynamics that I don't understand. Part of me thinks he's being lazy - he kind of shrugs it off and almost acts like he's doing her a favor by not putting too much effort in seeing her. I see this as a red flag. What kind of husband and father would he be now? The other part of me knows that people grow and change and improve and I obviously can't make any assumptions, I don't know him THAT well yet.

Any words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

OP, that child knows her father is not there for her. That is a horrible way to live. I could not date someone who is that way. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I would not daye a guy like this. Says a lot about his responsibility level for al loved ones around him.

If you want kids, this is not the guy to do it with.

[ThatBetch]

Anonymous wrote: What kind of husband and father would he be now?

You seem to have already answered this question. He's a jerk.

[Anonymous]

A OP here. I meant to add this.... And I'm NOT making excuses for him or anyone like him,.. But 21 year old guys are idiots. Still immature, still selfish, still scared. I can see how he immaturity would pave way to allowing that distance to build and build... Then all of a sudden that's the 'norm'. He has had 2 serious girlfriends before me, wondering if they were as concerned as me.

[Anonymous]

$3500/month seems like a lot of child support. Are you sure that part is for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A OP here. I meant to add this.... And I'm NOT making excuses for him or anyone like him,.. But 21 year old guys are idiots. Still immature, still selfish, still scared. I can see how he immaturity would pave way to allowing that distance to build and build... Then all of a sudden that's the 'norm'. He has had 2 serious girlfriends before me, wondering if they were as concerned as me.

So I guess you're the kind of woman who seeks to make excuses for this behavior.

Two things for you to ponder as you try to dismiss this man's moral blindspot. First, presumably the child's mother was also young, immature, selfish, scared. Yet somehow she managed to step up. Second, BF is no longer 21. What's his excuse for being a deadbeat father now?

[Anonymous]

Scumbag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$3500/month seems like a lot of child support. Are you sure that part is for real?

Yes. Well, actually, how would I know. I've come to realize everyone fibs. I have no reason not to believe him (yet).
For the past 8 years he's been making a very good salary. Traveled for months at a time (which I'm sure contributed to all this). So I think that's how the financial support was high.

[Anonymous]

Run. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 29, female. Have been dating a 32 year old man for 4 months, so it is still very new but given our ages and frequency of seeing each other, it's starting to get serious.
He disclosed to me at the very beginning that he has an 11 year old daughter that lives in California with her mother. I didn't ask too many questions at first, but as time goes on, I feel more comfortable sort of 'getting the whole story' without being nosey.
He was 21, new gf 'messed up' birth control. Gets pregnant. He is young and not expecting this.
He is in the babies life for the first couple years, but not together with the gf anymore, so his visits with the baby were merely visits. After those first two years, she moves to California with the baby to be closer to her sister.

He has been out there once. They come here about once every other year. So he never sees his daughter, never talks to her. She knows about her dad and who her dad is. I think they skype twice a year. He has contributed financially but that's it (has sent them $3.5k/ month since infancy). He describes it as.... Not wanting to interject into their lives. He wasn't 'with' the mom anymore and at the age of 23 was not about to move his entire life to California to sort of 'be there' when they were already starting a new family unit. I get that.

But, I'm just not sure what to think of this. Naive me is thinking 'WTF, that's your daughter..' And that this is a huge red flag. But mature me understands that not everything is black and white and there's lots of dynamics that I don't understand. Part of me thinks he's being lazy - he kind of shrugs it off and almost acts like he's doing her a favor by not putting too much effort in seeing her. I see this as a red flag. What kind of husband and father would he be now? The other part of me knows that people grow and change and improve and I obviously can't make any assumptions, I don't know him THAT well yet.

Any words of wisdom?

I think you've got this exactly backward. What it should be is:

MATURE me is thinking 'WTF, that's your daughter..' And that this is a huge red flag. But NAIVE me understands that not everything is black and white and there's lots of dynamics that I don't understand.

[Anonymous]

I would never date someone capable of doing this. Major red flag. I don't care if he was 21 and he made some bad choices and now it's awkward. Man up buddy.

I might slightly soften if he showed any genuine remorse or understanding for the implications of his choices. But he shrugs it off?? FUCK NO.

He's a coward and a self-absorbed douche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$3500/month seems like a lot of child support. Are you sure that part is for real?

I was thinking that too.

Regardless, I would not want to marry and have children with a man like this, so I would break up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Whoa - I'm not making excuses (hence my 'not making excuses' disclaimer).
I honestly did NOT know what to think, until recently. We were still new and I didn't want to make any assumptions without knowing the whole story. It's just recently I've gathered this information and now I am wondering if I am being too harsh for judging him.... Which brings me to DCUM. So I guess my gut was right.

[Anonymous]

Take it from someone who is on the other end of this story (a single parent of a person who would rather not be bothered). He is being extremely selfish and careless. There is no way I would ever seriously date him. Suppose you get pregnant? Do you want your child to know his/her dad?