Scheduling gets crazy. Do yourself a favor and create some kind of joint calendar system so everyone can see what's coming up. This might've been an innocent mistake (i.e. he forgot), but it's still pretty jerkish for him to accuse you of never saying it at all and then "not understand" why that's frustrating to you.

My ex used to "forget" things all the time. I started writing them down, mostly just because he was making me feel crazy. Turns out I'm not crazy. Fancy that!

My advice would be to solve the underlying problems and eliminate the dynamic wherein you're telling him things and he can "forget them". If you love him like you say you do, it's probably not worth documenting things just to prove your point.

Cue "gaslighting" posters in 3...2...

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

NP. You made it happily through however many years it takes to have three kids, but somehow things got that bad that fast? It's surprising.

Have you heard the one about the boiled frog?

Maybe, to an outsider, it's easy to spot abuse. To the person dealing with it, while also dealing with young children, a job, a household to manage, etc., it can be a bit less obvious. If he had started with level 10 abuse, like it was when it ended, it would've been a much shorter relationship. But that's not always how abuse works.

In the beginning, I thought I was overreacting, having trouble adjusting to married life, sleep-deprived because of the new baby, grieving the miscarriage(s), stressed from starting the new business, etc. There were plenty of "real life" excuses for why I might've been so exhausted, and second-guessing myself is a skill I brought to my marriage. Being a flawed human, I have my own insecurities, anxieties, etc. and I'm a decent enough person that I'd sooner admit those traits and fault myself than blame my partner. He claimed to love me. He said he was sorry. He promised he'd work on it...

It took years of unpacking to get to the heart of how messed up the dynamic was between us. I know some people think that SAH parents just sit around eating chips all day, but my experience was not nearly so leisurely. I didn't exactly have uninterrupted hours for navel-gazing and pondering the mess I was in. I had kids to parent, a home to manage, and a new business to try to get of the ground.

So no, it wasn't that it "got that bad that fast." It's that it takes time to see that the person claiming to love you doesn't, time to convince yourself that it's them and not you, and time to gather enough self-worth and trust to believe you'll be okay on your own (even more difficult if you've been isolated, at home, from support, and are financially dependent on your abuser).

Project much? OP said NOTHING about abuse.

Reading comprehension much? OP said "talk to me about your journey". So I did. Handle it.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think maybe the wife has PPD? She's losing her shit over some long distance online flirting, having trouble waking up despite not doing night feedings, plus other examples op gave of wife seeming unmotivated.

Is your wife a SAHM op?

Or maybe OP is a dick. He's in here, asking for someone to tell him how to make amends, while simultaneously dodging/denying responsibility for his actions. And you're helping, PP.

Step one: Acknowledge, fully, that your actions caused her pain. It wasn't "just" texting, or you would've told your wife about it in the first place. Being sneaky and devious kills trust. No buts, no "if you had been less... I wouldn't have had to..." blameshifting, just own the suck. All of it. Quit using minimizing language and trying to make it look less crappy than it was. That's not a sincere apology, and she'll see right through it. If you're not going to take full responsibility for your actions, don't bother "apologizing" because you're not really sorry.

Step two: Apologize. Not "I'm sorry if..." Not "I'm sorry I hurt you, but you also hurt me." Not "I'm so sorry and I feel so awful and I suck and poor me please pity me." An actual apology. I am sorry that I did the messed up thing I did, and I understand how my actions have hurt you.

Step three: Amends. Amends are about making it right. So figure out just what, exactly, you messed up. You diverted your time and energy away from your partner (and new baby). Find ways to pay it back. You took away her ability to trust you. Man, that's shit. You're going to have to be 100% transparent going forward, and don't ask her to trust you at all. Just be trustworthy. Trust is about being consistent; this will take time. Get to the heart of why she's hurt. Really listen to what she says, and take action to heal those wounds.

Step four: Action. Do. Do more. This is not about saying you're sorry (which you don't really even seem to be, so this whole post may be moot). This is about showing you're sorry, and doing the work to bridge the gap you caused between you and your spouse. Whatever "helping" you thought you were doing earlier? Triple it.

And if you're not willing to do these things, because you're such a self-absorbed, myopic jerk (and I think this is likely, given both your actions and your denials/dismissive language about them even here), just tell her. You owe her honesty.

She's probably already aware that you're not partner material, and that's why she's on her way out.

Whatever you do, don't go down that road PP suggested, wherein you minimize the damage you've caused, and try to blameshift and make it about something else (her mental health). Women are culturally programmed to believe it's all our fault anyway, and if you exploit that to cover your own ass, you are the lowest of the low.

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

NP. You made it happily through however many years it takes to have three kids, but somehow things got that bad that fast? It's surprising.

Have you heard the one about the boiled frog?

Maybe, to an outsider, it's easy to spot abuse. To the person dealing with it, while also dealing with young children, a job, a household to manage, etc., it can be a bit less obvious. If he had started with level 10 abuse, like it was when it ended, it would've been a much shorter relationship. But that's not always how abuse works.

In the beginning, I thought I was overreacting, having trouble adjusting to married life, sleep-deprived because of the new baby, grieving the miscarriage(s), stressed from starting the new business, etc. There were plenty of "real life" excuses for why I might've been so exhausted, and second-guessing myself is a skill I brought to my marriage. Being a flawed human, I have my own insecurities, anxieties, etc. and I'm a decent enough person that I'd sooner admit those traits and fault myself than blame my partner. He claimed to love me. He said he was sorry. He promised he'd work on it...

It took years of unpacking to get to the heart of how messed up the dynamic was between us. I know some people think that SAH parents just sit around eating chips all day, but my experience was not nearly so leisurely. I didn't exactly have uninterrupted hours for navel-gazing and pondering the mess I was in. I had kids to parent, a home to manage, and a new business to try to get of the ground.

So no, it wasn't that it "got that bad that fast." It's that it takes time to see that the person claiming to love you doesn't, time to convince yourself that it's them and not you, and time to gather enough self-worth and trust to believe you'll be okay on your own (even more difficult if you've been isolated, at home, from support, and are financially dependent on your abuser).

I had a breakdown when my kid was 2ish. Part of my recovery included starting a business so I'd have some independence. My abusive ex went out of his way to block me at all possible points. It was a slow process, but I kept at it.

We finally split when the aforementioned kid was almost 8. It is incredibly difficult to work from home while raising a kid (now kids, in my case, and I hope PP comes at me with that same question...), but it's manageable so far.

Ex has promised "spousal support" for a year once small kid is in school, but he has a nasty habit of breaking promises.

My advice would be to do all you can to get/stay self-sufficient, and save money however you can.

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

If there's 'weirdness' as a result of cheating, the person responsible should own it. I don't think wearing a scarlet "A" is mandatory, but if his mom is pointing out that your behavior is... whatever (cooler, anxious, etc.), he should explain why (not you). Asking you to put on a happy face and not say anything is a(nother) jerk move. Forcing you to "out" him makes you look like the bad guy, which is also a jerk move.

Refusing to own his actions is a red flag. Again, I'm not saying he needs to make a public declaration of shame and regret, but if/when the fallout from his actions becomes noticeable to others, he needs to take responsibility for it. He made the mess.

And you're absolutely right: acknowledging the mess is the first step toward cleaning it up. Attempting to sweep it under the rug =/= cleaning.

What is with this line of thinking? There've been a lot of these posts lately...

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? If someone wants to leave, let them go. Help them pack!

Think highly enough of yourself to expect better. Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't want to be there.

As for having kids, yes, that does complicate the logistics, but it doesn't change the point. Teach your kids to have enough self-worth that they don't settle for "partners" who are only halfway in the partnership (at best).

DTMFA

Anonymous wrote:Those in the article are not ODing on heroin, they're ODing on fentanyl or another substance.

Don't wish death on others, OP.

Seriously. What sort of mouth-breathing cretin does this?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really don't think he's having an affair. I have access to all of his email accounts, he doesn't keep his phone locked, and he's accountable for his time (he's only really gone for work). I think it is depression and a mid-life crisis.

In some ways, I actually HOPE it is an affair - because that would make it easier for me to accept and move on. If he's intentionally deciding to leave us, that's one thing. It is harder to accept when I think he's going through some sort of mental health crisis.

You said earlier in the thread that he had an emotional affair, if not more, with a subordinate. He probably took their conversation to an email account that you do not know about, and they are probably carrying on only during work hours, for now.

Possible, but does it really matter at this point? He's not on the same page as OP. He is not committed to the marriage. He is waffling, and playing games.

In or out, buddy. If you're not all in, get out. Why is irrelevant.

I've made this my post-divorce code: http://notsalmon.com/2016/08/21/how-to-avoid-rebound-relationships/

Anonymous wrote:^^^

You're an ass!

PP who said that skinnier folks (who typically read as "more attractive") make more is on point. Sad, but true. Beauty bias is real.

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard. I don't know what is up, what is going on, or how to navigate this.

This is actually less complicated than you're making it out to be. Decide for yourself where your boundaries are, then enforce them.

1) If he wants out, let him go. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. May not be what you want, but if it's what he wants, that's what it is.
2) No sex. Ever. Period. This "he wanted to cuddle" shit is a total dealbreaker. Sex with your (STB)ex is always a bad idea, and will usually leave you feeling miserable.
3) Be honest with your kids, and don't delay. If you and stbex are in separate rooms already, they already know something's up. Don't go on vacation and play like it's all right, then come home and drop a bomb on them. Tell them what's happening, and let them have some input into the vacation. They're old enough to articulate their thoughts and wants.

Step up and be an adult. Clearly your STBEx isn't going to, and your kids need to know that someone can/will. It is hard. It is miserable at first. You'll deal.

Decide and then act. You can have feels about it once he's out and things are moving on.

You are wrong. It's excellent, and perfect to keep on hand for sauces, etc.

It's also a semi-seasonal thing (only in fall/winter), or so I was told. So if you decide you like it, stock up.

Definitely message her. All the PPs saying "it's in the past" are jerks. Yes, it's in the past, but it still happened, and you were still part of the suck.

Own your part of the suck.

Don't put any kind of expectation on her (you may want to lead with "I want you to know that I don't expect any sort of reply..."), but definitely take responsibility for being a judgmental jerk who believed a (bullshit) one-sided account and shunned someone without even bothering to check facts.

She may never reply. Don't poke at her, don't pester her. But there is no wrong time to apologize, without strings, for having screwed up.