Divorce and Seperation

[Anonymous]

All this talk of divorce and separation on this thread is down right depressing to see all these families break up.

Now I know I'm going to get lambasted for putting these thoughts down, but oh well. Doesn't anyone believe in working on their marriage anymore? Now don't get me wrong, if you are in a dangerous situation by all means get out of it. But that doesn't seem to be the case on the vast majority of these threads. I see wives who are just bored, frustrated, angry, think the "grass is greener", lost romance, whatever, who are ready to give up on 10-20 years of marriage without trying to save it. This is especially sad when children come into play and the potential damage a divorce will do to them. We didn't see this with our parent's generation. Sure they had difficult times too, but they fought to make their marriage work. I read a statistic some while ago that said most marriages that end in divorce could have been saved if the couple learned how to communicate better. That most fights in marriage were over money and children, these are the things you should be talking about most!

Yes I see people talk about how happy they are now that they are acting like they are 20 again. But how long does that last? Are your kids and ex just as happy as you? Part of being a parent is that you must sacrifice a bit of your happiness for theirs.

I'm sorry, but when you marry someone, love isn't lost; it is just forgotten, but can be found again. I should know. I was ready to leave my husband of 15+ years at one point. We weren't talking at all except to fight, in fact whenever I would come into a the room he would make it a point to leave. we said mean, nasty things to each other all the time. There were times form our past that we just couldn't let go. I was sure my marriage was over. I was even looking at online dating sites for someone to take me away (never met anyone though) I even spoke with a divorce attorney at one point (big mistake - she wanted me to cut and run then) I was lucky though. One day I was so depressed I sought out a friend for help. She suggested that we not give up, she gave me hope. I reluctantly got my husband to go to therapy with me (by threatening o run away with the kids). Today we are happier than when we were newlyweds. He romances me in ways he never did before. We talk, the affection is back. My marriage has never felt so comforting, so right. It has been over three years since we sought out help. Out marriage is as strong as ever.

So, I guess, my long story is basically a plea to all of you DCUMers out there to not give up so easily. A good marriage is worth the fight for it. Seek some professional help before it is too late (nothing shameful in that). Don't give up, because things can be wonderful.

Sorry for the rant...

[Anonymous]

My ex cheated on me repeatedly and HE wanted out.

I am happy to hear about your strong marriage.

[CallMeMaybe]

My Ex was a terrible communicator, was never ever there for me in stressful times (a meeting in Boston was more important than being with me during a DC surgery), he went out all the time while I stayed home with our 2 year old daughter and worked full time. He slowly became the dirtbag that never grew up. Being a parent means being there.

I slowly hated living a lie and moved out. Big props to be. My freedom is everything to me.

Meanwhile after 6 months of separation he found a much younger woman and now they are engaged. And I'm watching history repeat itself. He can use his control tactics on her.

[Anonymous]

CallMeMaybe wrote:My Ex was a terrible communicator, was never ever there for me in stressful times (a meeting in Boston was more important than being with me during a DC surgery), he went out all the time while I stayed home with our 2 year old daughter and worked full time. He slowly became the dirtbag that never grew up. Being a parent means being there.

I slowly hated living a lie and moved out. Big props to be. My freedom is everything to me.

Meanwhile after 6 months of separation he found a much younger woman and now they are engaged. And I'm watching history repeat itself. He can use his control tactics on her.

OP here...

This is exactly what I am talking about. Did you try to get him to communicate better? Did you tell him how much you needed him during those times? Or did you just let it fester and let the anger grow? This seems to have been the perfect case where learning to connect could have saved the marriage. You married him for a reason, you loved him at one time. You gave it all up without trying to save it. Now you have a daughter without a full time dad.

[CallMeMaybe]

I asked him to go to couseling and the 2 times he went before he quit he told me that for the last 10 years he's been trying to fix me and wasn't sure he wanted to be with someone like me. He squirted water at me to shut me up because it was more important to meet his buddy on the metro at 9pm than take a moment to give me a hug and say, we will talk about it. I confronted him in the morning saying that is what I call abuse and all he said was that I was too sensitive and it was a joke.

Never in my life did I think that a man that had such love in his eyes on our wedding day would end up being the same person who would take my underwear off at night and touch his cock to me and wack off. In the end its impossible to communicate to someone who refuses to listen or even self reflect. Every issue was something I did. He would watch a piece of paper on the ground and see how long it would to take to notice it and pick it up. Control freak. It still continues today. No joke.

I'm proud I walked away from real abuse. Understanding that I am a woman who should be treated with respect is a valuable lesson I learned. Judge if you want. But its been 4 years. I'll never give my freedom up again. I have the rest of my life to live how I want to. Yeah for me!

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a sick pervert. That was definitely one to walk away from.

I do agree with the OP though, way too many on this site seem willing to give up on their marriages way too easy. Most seem to find disappointment "on the other side". I wonder how many get back with, or try to get back with, their DH/Ex after separation.

[Anonymous]

Don't you know this is the bitter divorcees forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't you know this is the bitter divorcees forum?

And to think people actually come here for advice.
BTW, I agree with the OP as well

[Anonymous]

I agree with your sentiment. However, my exDW is a cheat and it turns out a compulsive liar.
I think there should be a an overhaul of the law. It should reflect that marriage is temporary and the idea of fidelity etc is quaint and antiquated. The notion that your 'temporary live-in fwb' gets 50% of your assets and pension should also go.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that any of you are really in a position to judge whether or not a person has "tried hard enough" to save their marriage. For one thing, unless TWO people are trying, it really doesn't matter. For another, there are a lot of really shitty ways that spouses can treat each other that don't rise to actual abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, whatever).

Maybe the PP above could've "tried harder" to get her husband to communicate, but why should she have to beg her husband to spend time with her and not at bars with his friends? It sounds like HE'S not suited to marriage. She sounds like she is. At some point, it sounds like the PP decided that she didn't deserve the kind of relationship she had, and I don't understand why you think it's your business to say she didn't try hard enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

CallMeMaybe wrote:My Ex was a terrible communicator, was never ever there for me in stressful times (a meeting in Boston was more important than being with me during a DC surgery), he went out all the time while I stayed home with our 2 year old daughter and worked full time. He slowly became the dirtbag that never grew up. Being a parent means being there.

I slowly hated living a lie and moved out. Big props to be. My freedom is everything to me.

Meanwhile after 6 months of separation he found a much younger woman and now they are engaged. And I'm watching history repeat itself. He can use his control tactics on her.

OP here...

This is exactly what I am talking about. Did you try to get him to communicate better? Did you tell him how much you needed him during those times? Or did you just let it fester and let the anger grow? This seems to have been the perfect case where learning to connect could have saved the marriage. You married him for a reason, you loved him at one time. You gave it all up without trying to save it. Now you have a daughter without a full time dad.

OP you are a clueless idiot. Take some time to actually read, absorb and think. You are being very very dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with your sentiment. However, my exDW is a cheat and it turns out a compulsive liar.
I think there should be a an overhaul of the law. It should reflect that marriage is temporary and the idea of fidelity etc is quaint and antiquated. The notion that your 'temporary live-in fwb' gets 50% of your assets and pension should also go.

I think you have posted before. Why don't you find a new woman and forget about the ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

CallMeMaybe wrote:My Ex was a terrible communicator, was never ever there for me in stressful times (a meeting in Boston was more important than being with me during a DC surgery), he went out all the time while I stayed home with our 2 year old daughter and worked full time. He slowly became the dirtbag that never grew up. Being a parent means being there.

I slowly hated living a lie and moved out. Big props to be. My freedom is everything to me.

Meanwhile after 6 months of separation he found a much younger woman and now they are engaged. And I'm watching history repeat itself. He can use his control tactics on her.

OP here...

This is exactly what I am talking about. Did you try to get him to communicate better? Did you tell him how much you needed him during those times? Or did you just let it fester and let the anger grow? This seems to have been the perfect case where learning to connect could have saved the marriage. You married him for a reason, you loved him at one time. You gave it all up without trying to save it. Now you have a daughter without a full time dad.

Who the DGF are you to say this to someone??

[Anonymous]

I disagree that our parents tried harder to make their marriages work.

Growing up, a sizeable number of my friends' parents split up. This was in the mid-80s/mid-90s in the Maryland suburbs. Very few of my friends are divorced after 10-15 years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that any of you are really in a position to judge whether or not a person has "tried hard enough" to save their marriage. For one thing, unless TWO people are trying, it really doesn't matter. For another, there are a lot of really shitty ways that spouses can treat each other that don't rise to actual abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, whatever).

Maybe the PP above could've "tried harder" to get her husband to communicate, but why should she have to beg her husband to spend time with her and not at bars with his friends? It sounds like HE'S not suited to marriage. She sounds like she is. At some point, it sounds like the PP decided that she didn't deserve the kind of relationship she had, and I don't understand why you think it's your business to say she didn't try hard enough.

+100

OP, you sound insecure to me. Secure people don't need to run around preaching about how their life choices are the only right choices. The fact that you created a whole post about it makes me think you're not as happy as you'd like us to believe you are. It's one thing to say 'hey, if you're on the brink of divorce - know that sometimes counseling can work and bring back a marriage from the edge'. It's another thing to create a whole thread humble bragging about how you're superior to the rest of DCUMers who have ever struggled in their marriage.