Separating and divorcing but staying friends?

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[Post New]07/15/2016 16:02
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Anonymous
Has anyone successfully done this? I cheated and DH understandably can't get past it and we are going to split. I'm heartbroken but I know I caused this and he needs to do what's right for him. We both really want to stay friends. Right now there is much sadness and depression but we are getting along okay. We are in the beginning stages of planning for the separation. We've been together our entire adult lives so lots of details to work out. I guess my question is has anyone successfully remained friends with an ex? I am optomistic and we are communicating well I just don't know if it's possible, given the history and our underlying feelings.
[Post New]07/15/2016 16:06
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Anonymous
No. My XH was completely cool so I didn't fight him on a lot of things and I could have had a much better divorce settlement. Fast forward a year and he has a new psychotic girlfriend (now wife--after four months of dating) and he's not allowed to contact me at all because she won't allow it. I normally wouldn't care too much but we had a dog and he had primary custody of the dog and I would get to have the dog alternating weeks or weekends and when my XH was away or really busy at work. Now I can't see my dog at all because we didn't have a written agreement. It sounds dumb but my heart is just broken over this dog. I love him to pieces. It's my own fault for trusting that he would be a man of his word though.
[Post New]07/15/2016 17:36
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ThatBetch
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In my experience, it's possible to stay "friendly" but that doesn't mean you're close friends. It's easier if you allow some time apart to ease the emotional intensity, especially with something like infidelity.

Low expectations, open communication, and being actively involved in and anchored to your own life will all help.

And time. Lots of time. And a lot of time apart to start.
[Post New]07/15/2016 17:59
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Anonymous
If you don't have kids why bother staying friends or being friendly? There are a lot of people in the world. Just move on.
[Post New]07/15/2016 18:17
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Anonymous
Are there kids involved? I think it will be nearly impossible to be friends. Your husband will likely never forgive you, and when he starts dating his new GF will almost certainly want you 100% out of the picture.
[Post New]07/15/2016 18:22
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Anonymous
My ex and I are friendly. A key component of this is that I, the woman, earn much more than him and he does not pay me.
[Post New]07/15/2016 18:23
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Anonymous
My goal is to be friendly-because we have kids and I think it benefits everyone if we can make amicable decisions and not ever have our kids witness any animosity. But if we are ever friends again it's going to be way down the road. Far too much hurt and breached trust to really be confidantes. My soon to be ex says he wants to be friends-but in my mind he's made it so clear that he doesn't enjoy my company that I don't see why we'd be friends. If we are such good friends-the we should have stayed married.
[Post New]07/15/2016 18:51
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Anonymous
OP honestly it will be a lot of hard, HARD work to be even friendly. I am friendly with my ex but it takes even more work than a marriage sometimes. I think you should have thought about this as a consequence to your affair. It's going to be a rough road ahead.
[Post New]07/15/2016 18:52
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Anonymous
I was friendly with my exh at first. No kids. We joked that we had the friendliest ever court appearance. He even got me a gift! We always were real good at being friends. OK, but then I go engaged and married and he stopped talking to me.
[Post New]07/15/2016 18:55
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:My goal is to be friendly-because we have kids and I think it benefits everyone if we can make amicable decisions and not ever have our kids witness any animosity. But if we are ever friends again it's going to be way down the road. Far too much hurt and breached trust to really be confidantes. My soon to be ex says he wants to be friends-but in my mind he's made it so clear that he doesn't enjoy my company that I don't see why we'd be friends. If we are such good friends-the we should have stayed married.



+1 this

I was one of the 'let's stay friends' guys with cheating ex DW. The thing is - with time and distance you see your ex with a clarity that was not possible before. Now I can't think why I would be so desperate to have a friend who thought so highly of me that they would go and fuck someone else. And that'only a small part of why I wish I never had to see her again.
Unfortunately we have small kids:
[Post New]07/15/2016 18:56
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Anonymous
Friendly sure
friends? No
[Post New]07/15/2016 20:43
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Anonymous
Good luck OP. I don't think you will ever really be friends, because what you are putting your ex and your children through is not the act of a friend.

Why do you want to be friends, beyond being amicable co-parents? Is it to convince yourself that you didn't really hurt him? My mom cheated on my dad and for the past 25 years she has insisted that she, my dad, and her co-cheater are all the best of friends. We're all a big happy family and nobody minds that she cheated. We just don't spend time together because my dad is too busy. It's how she copes with the cognitive dissonance, but it irritates everyone else. It's enough that you cheated and broke up the family. Leave the poor man alone. He can find other friends.
[Post New]07/15/2016 20:49
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. I don't think you will ever really be friends, because what you are putting your ex and your children through is not the act of a friend.

Why do you want to be friends, beyond being amicable co-parents? Is it to convince yourself that you didn't really hurt him? My mom cheated on my dad and for the past 25 years she has insisted that she, my dad, and her co-cheater are all the best of friends. We're all a big happy family and nobody minds that she cheated. We just don't spend time together because my dad is too busy. It's how she copes with the cognitive dissonance, but it irritates everyone else. It's enough that you cheated and broke up the family. Leave the poor man alone. He can find other friends.



Thanks for posting this - I found it insightful
[Post New]07/15/2016 21:01
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Anonymous
I have an amicable co-parenting relationship with my cheating ex, but we will never be friends. Friendship requires trust and I don't trust her.
[Post New]07/15/2016 21:40
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. I don't think you will ever really be friends, because what you are putting your ex and your children through is not the act of a friend.

Why do you want to be friends, beyond being amicable co-parents? Is it to convince yourself that you didn't really hurt him? My mom cheated on my dad and for the past 25 years she has insisted that she, my dad, and her co-cheater are all the best of friends. We're all a big happy family and nobody minds that she cheated. We just don't spend time together because my dad is too busy. It's how she copes with the cognitive dissonance, but it irritates everyone else. It's enough that you cheated and broke up the family. Leave the poor man alone. He can find other friends.


I agree with this. You are deluding yourself if you think he should want to or will be friends with you after what you've done. You need to own the damage you've caused, and hope for the best, which is that you are both polite and kind.

I had an amicable divorce and we've coparented and been good friends for 20 years. It's possible, as long as no one screwed over anyone, which is not your case. His wife does have a jealous streak, though, so we limit our interactions out of respect to her and the peace and health of their marriage.
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