Is it worth convincing partner to divorce

[Anonymous]

So, thats it.

We have a toddler son and I want a divorce. Things are just not good and I want a clean break before we spend more time throwing good energy toward a bad match marriage.

DH does not want divorce. Says all couples fight/have stress ect. I have tried to talk to him about my frusteration/angst and he remains unmoved.

Is it worth trying to convince him that we need to split?

I realize that this might be a no-brainer question, but I am mentally exhausted.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is I was exhausted when I had a toddler and my DH helped me a lot. Sure would have hated being a single mom.

Hard to advise without more detail on "Things are just not good". What does that mean? Drugs, alcohol, daily beatings?

[Anonymous]

Not sure you can convince him. Its more of a statement on your part. You tell him you want a divorce. This is why in most divorce cases one or both people are bitter towards the other. It's never easy but if it is what you truly want then you need to take the lead.

[Anonymous]

You owe it to your child to give your marriage every bit of effort. Get a good marriage therapist who will work hard with you and your husband to keep it together. He doesn't even need to be an immediate participant. You can start first if that more doable. What's more important to you than that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You owe it to your child to give your marriage every bit of effort. Get a good marriage therapist who will work hard with you and your husband to keep it together. He doesn't even need to be an immediate participant. You can start first if that more doable. What's more important to you than that?

We have and we did. No divorce decision is made lightly. I am not going to get into the details of the 'why' because then the thread will take another direction.

Trust me, this is not what I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You owe it to your child to give your marriage every bit of effort. Get a good marriage therapist who will work hard with you and your husband to keep it together. He doesn't even need to be an immediate participant. You can start first if that more doable. What's more important to you than that?

What about the mental health of mom? Her quality of life? Should she be a miserable mom in an unhappy marriage for the sake of a child? You do realize this leads to depression and anxiety hence the reason some many couples around here are on meds. Adults don't realize children can feel unhappiness in a home. Don't underestimate the emotional intelligence of a child nor ignore it. There is no rule out that once marry give up happiness for your child. This only exist in the Dcum motherhood world. A good nurturing home is a home where everyone is happy and hence the emotional fullfilment of a family. Faking happiness doesn't work. Your children learn coping skills and inner strength watching you as a parent, becareful what you teach them or they'll end up in a miserable marriage just like mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

So he wants to stay married and you don't. Doubt if you can change his mind anymore than he can change yours. What will that mean for co parenting together in the future? Well, he might resent you for leaving the marriage, even tell your kid one day that you left him. He might tell this to your family and friends. But, in fact, you are the one who is leaving. So you should own that anyway. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but you seem afraid of coming out of this looking like the bad guy, which is trivial and even narcissistic in light of the gravity of the situation. There will be much more important challenges.

Focus instead on how you are going to successfully co parent together, (schedules, living arrangements, holidays, vacations, in law visitations....) and not about convincing each other who was more right.

Be prepared for you toddler to ask you why you and dad can't live together. Talk to a child psychologist about the best things to say (and not say) about the split. Also good books on this. Have your stbxh come if possible. Be the adult in the situation, and let things go for the sake of your kid.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he wants to stay married and you don't. Doubt if you can change his mind anymore than he can change yours. What will that mean for co parenting together in the future? Well, he might resent you for leaving the marriage, even tell your kid one day that you left him. He might tell this to your family and friends. But, in fact, you are the one who is leaving. So you should own that anyway. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but you seem afraid of coming out of this looking like the bad guy, which is trivial and even narcissistic in light of the gravity of the situation. There will be much more important challenges.

Focus instead on how you are going to successfully co parent together, (schedules, living arrangements, holidays, vacations, in law visitations....) and not about convincing each other who was more right.

Be prepared for you toddler to ask you why you and dad can't live together. Talk to a child psychologist about the best things to say (and not say) about the split. Also good books on this. Have your stbxh come if possible. Be the adult in the situation, and let things go for the sake of your kid.

Good luck.

Hey, I am not worried about looking like the bad guy. I am just trying to find a way to not make this so contentious. Our marriage has dissolved into constant threats, violence (towards each other) and just general misery. It might sound pie in the sky- but I really know that we ALL deserve better. Him, me, and mostly our son.

I am fine being the 'bad guy'- because this 'bad guy' is just trying to hit the reset button and stop the chaos

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about the mental health of mom? Her quality of life? Should she be a miserable mom in an unhappy marriage for the sake of a child?

Yes. You sacrifice for your children. That's what you do.

Anonymous wrote:You do realize this leads to depression and anxiety hence the reason some many couples around here are on meds.

Divorce is far more devastating for the mental health of the child, leading to lifelong depression and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You owe it to your child to give your marriage every bit of effort. Get a good marriage therapist who will work hard with you and your husband to keep it together. He doesn't even need to be an immediate participant. You can start first if that more doable. What's more important to you than that?

We have and we did. No divorce decision is made lightly. I am not going to get into the details of the 'why' because then the thread will take another direction.

Trust me, this is not what I wanted.

Why does he still want to stay married.

[Anonymous]

by his own admission, he wants to stay married because he does not think things are that bad. He also, is poor financial shape. He has a decent job- but not savings/retirement. I know that he is scared about starting over.

FWIW I am not going to ask for money. I have been carrying all the childcare costs for DS since day 1, and I really do not want the battle of seeking out money from him.

Also, we have tried to make a coexisting living arrangement. I really wanted to make this OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he wants to stay married and you don't. Doubt if you can change his mind anymore than he can change yours. What will that mean for co parenting together in the future? Well, he might resent you for leaving the marriage, even tell your kid one day that you left him. He might tell this to your family and friends. But, in fact, you are the one who is leaving. So you should own that anyway. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but you seem afraid of coming out of this looking like the bad guy, which is trivial and even narcissistic in light of the gravity of the situation. There will be much more important challenges.

Focus instead on how you are going to successfully co parent together, (schedules, living arrangements, holidays, vacations, in law visitations....) and not about convincing each other who was more right.

Be prepared for you toddler to ask you why you and dad can't live together. Talk to a child psychologist about the best things to say (and not say) about the split. Also good books on this. Have your stbxh come if possible. Be the adult in the situation, and let things go for the sake of your kid.

Good luck.

Hey, I am not worried about looking like the bad guy. I am just trying to find a way to not make this so contentious. Our marriage has dissolved into constant threats, violence (towards each other) and just general misery. It might sound pie in the sky- but I really know that we ALL deserve better. Him, me, and mostly our son.

I am fine being the 'bad guy'- because this 'bad guy' is just trying to hit the reset button and stop the chaos

OP, you can't say "I don't want to go into details, because that will take the thread in a different direction" and then slide in the teeny little detail about VIOLENCE. Details DO matter. If you are just bickering, then you are going to get lots of suggestions like the ones posted--about trying to work things out, thinking about the child, etc. If there is abuse, you get out. Period. All other questions (such as whether your spouse wants to divorce or not, become completely insignificant in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You owe it to your child to give your marriage every bit of effort. Get a good marriage therapist who will work hard with you and your husband to keep it together. He doesn't even need to be an immediate participant. You can start first if that more doable. What's more important to you than that?

What about the mental health of mom? Her quality of life? Should she be a miserable mom in an unhappy marriage for the sake of a child? You do realize this leads to depression and anxiety hence the reason some many couples around here are on meds. Adults don't realize children can feel unhappiness in a home. Don't underestimate the emotional intelligence of a child nor ignore it. There is no rule out that once marry give up happiness for your child. This only exist in the Dcum motherhood world. A good nurturing home is a home where everyone is happy and hence the emotional fullfilment of a family. Faking happiness doesn't work. Your children learn coping skills and inner strength watching you as a parent, becareful what you teach them or they'll end up in a miserable marriage just like mom and dad.

A lot of this is rationalizing the effect of the divorce on the child. Unless it is a truly toxic household ( we don't have this information in OP's case), the children in a divorce suffer. That cannot be denied or rationalized. If you are just vaguely unsatisfied or in a down period of your relationship,you owe it to the children to stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he is in denial about the state of your marriage.
Or he may be thinking you are just PMSing & not completely serious.

What you need to do now instead of telling him you want the divorce....You need to take it a step further by initiating how serious you are.

Cliche I know, but your actions need to take full precedence over any + everything you tell him.

Men have a way of minimizing things as well as denying how serious a bad relationship may be.
They get stuck in their comfort zones and accept the status quo.

Show him that you mean BUSINESS!!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:by his own admission, he wants to stay married because he does not think things are that bad. He also, is poor financial shape. He has a decent job- but not savings/retirement. I know that he is scared about starting over.

FWIW I am not going to ask for money. I have been carrying all the childcare costs for DS since day 1, and I really do not want the battle of seeking out money from him.

Also, we have tried to make a coexisting living arrangement. I really wanted to make this OK.

he will hire a lawyer and ask you for alimony or child support and a 50/50 split of custody