Separating

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[Post New]08/22/2016 11:42
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really don't think he's having an affair. I have access to all of his email accounts, he doesn't keep his phone locked, and he's accountable for his time (he's only really gone for work). I think it is depression and a mid-life crisis.

In some ways, I actually HOPE it is an affair - because that would make it easier for me to accept and move on. If he's intentionally deciding to leave us, that's one thing. It is harder to accept when I think he's going through some sort of mental health crisis.


You said earlier in the thread that he had an emotional affair, if not more, with a subordinate. He probably took their conversation to an email account that you do not know about, and they are probably carrying on only during work hours, for now.
[Post New]08/22/2016 12:08
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ThatBetch
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really don't think he's having an affair. I have access to all of his email accounts, he doesn't keep his phone locked, and he's accountable for his time (he's only really gone for work). I think it is depression and a mid-life crisis.

In some ways, I actually HOPE it is an affair - because that would make it easier for me to accept and move on. If he's intentionally deciding to leave us, that's one thing. It is harder to accept when I think he's going through some sort of mental health crisis.


You said earlier in the thread that he had an emotional affair, if not more, with a subordinate. He probably took their conversation to an email account that you do not know about, and they are probably carrying on only during work hours, for now.


Possible, but does it really matter at this point? He's not on the same page as OP. He is not committed to the marriage. He is waffling, and playing games.

In or out, buddy. If you're not all in, get out. Why is irrelevant.
[Post New]08/22/2016 12:15
quote
Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I really don't think he's having an affair. I have access to all of his email accounts, he doesn't keep his phone locked, and he's accountable for his time (he's only really gone for work). I think it is depression and a mid-life crisis.

In some ways, I actually HOPE it is an affair - because that would make it easier for me to accept and move on. If he's intentionally deciding to leave us, that's one thing. It is harder to accept when I think he's going through some sort of mental health crisis.



You said earlier in the thread that he had an emotional affair, if not more, with a subordinate. He probably took their conversation to an email account that you do not know about, and they are probably carrying on only during work hours, for now.



Possible, but does it really matter at this point? He's not on the same page as OP. He is not committed to the marriage. He is waffling, and playing games.

In or out, buddy. If you're not all in, get out. Why is irrelevant.


Yeah, this is kind of where I'm at. Yes, it is possible that they are still carrying on at work, or on some e-mail account I'm unaware of. I can't control that. At this point it doesn't even really matter to me WHY this is happening. The man I married would not have done this, would not behave this way. I don't know this person. I definitely don't want this person around my children. I only wish in VA that being a selfish asshole could constitute grounds to fight for full custody. As it is, we'll do shared custody. Which is again, unfair to the kids to hvae to be moving back and forth between two homes.
[Post New]08/22/2016 13:54
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Anonymous
You might settle on shared custody, but once your selfish soon to be ex gets time to be a bachelor again and becomes addicted to updating his dating profile he'll slowly start to let you keep the kids longer and longer until he might be with them a weekend or two each month.
[Post New]08/22/2016 14:23
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Anonymous
Yep, that is exactly what I expect. In fact, I ALMOST want to tell him that for the best interests of the kids, he can have them during the school week every week and I'll just have them every other weekend, so as to not disrupt their lives so much. I'm sure that would give him pause!

But no, I won't say that. Not making my kids a pawn. But funny that I'm sure it would change his plans!
[Post New]08/22/2016 20:01
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Anonymous
Yep, unfortunately. When STBXDH left a year ago he told everybody, "I'm just doing this for DS, it's better that he not be in an environment where people are fighting." Fast forward a few months, and he barely saw DS during a six-month period that ended in April, when he finally realized the child support implications.
[Post New]08/23/2016 12:05
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Anonymous
OP here. I'm just so angry/sad that this has become my life. The man I married would NEVER act this way! He'd never be so selfish and focused on his immediate gratification that he'd be willing to do this to his family.

The absolute worst is going to be telling the kids and helping them through it. Absolute. worst.
[Post New]08/23/2016 19:09
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Anonymous
I'm the PP who is going through something similar. I think my DH and I have figured out all the details except for when and how to tell the kids. It's going to be a tough conversation and there is never going to be a good time. I think that's why we're not physically separated yet. Just trying to figure out how to have that conversation. If you figure it out let me know.
[Post New]08/23/2016 19:10
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Anonymous
And one more thing- you will need to mourn the death of your marriage. I went for a five mile walk at 5am (when it was still dark) and sobbed for about half of it. Came back feeling like a million bucks (okay maybe not so much but definitely better than I had).
[Post New]08/23/2016 19:38
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. And last night he came and woke me up and asked me to come to his room so we could snuggle. Had sex.

This is insane.


Not insane at all. He's keeping his options open. This way, he stays in control. He signs a lease but can always break it for a fee. He has sex with you and therefore knows you still desire him even now but has the option of a new relationship since you two will be separating. He wants to go on vacation so he can have fun with his wife and his children without a long-term commitment.
[Post New]08/25/2016 12:01
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Anonymous
How does one mourn the death of a marriage? Also, is it really bad to tell the kids something along the lines of this script:

Mommy and Daddy are not able to agree on many things right now, and marriage requires that two people be able to work together. We aren't able to agree on how to work together anymore. For that reason, we are separating.

Of course we'll do all the reassurances that we love the kids, it isn't their fault, etc.
[Post New]09/23/2016 11:08
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Anonymous
OP - it's been a month. How did things go for you in the past few weeks? I'm in a similar boat.
[Post New]09/23/2016 14:50
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Anonymous
I'm not the PP but one who was also in a similar boat. My STBXH put an offer on a house and is now under contract. Closes in less than a month. We're doing in-house separation until he can move. We still get along great as friends so I think I'm lucky in that way. He has also changed so much like the OP's husband that I don't recognize him as the man I married or the man who has been my best friend for the past 20 years. He's become very selfish and uncaring. I'm mourning the death of the marriage to the guy I married, not the current guy that lives in my house for a few more weeks.
[Post New]09/23/2016 18:15
quote
Anonymous
ThatBetch wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really don't think he's having an affair. I have access to all of his email accounts, he doesn't keep his phone locked, and he's accountable for his time (he's only really gone for work). I think it is depression and a mid-life crisis.

In some ways, I actually HOPE it is an affair - because that would make it easier for me to accept and move on. If he's intentionally deciding to leave us, that's one thing. It is harder to accept when I think he's going through some sort of mental health crisis.


You said earlier in the thread that he had an emotional affair, if not more, with a subordinate. He probably took their conversation to an email account that you do not know about, and they are probably carrying on only during work hours, for now.


Possible, but does it really matter at this point? He's not on the same page as OP. He is not committed to the marriage. He is waffling, and playing games.

In or out, buddy. If you're not all in, get out. Why is irrelevant.


NP. Thank you for posting this. It has haunted me since I read it. And now I'm just starting to process that it's over. There is so much sadness. We are separated and have been for 6 months. But he won't let go nor will he commit. You are right--either in or out. And he's not in so therefore he must be out. Thank you for posting the words so clearly to help me start to let go.
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