Separating

[Anonymous]

Husband told me he signed a lease to move out last night. We've been sleeping separately since July. We tried marriage counseling, but he has been too depressed to do the work. Refuses to get help for depression, so that is off the table. This is happening.

We are supposed to take the kids on their summer vacation last week of August. Kids are 7 and 9 and are so excited to go. On the one hand I want to give this to them. On the other hand, I don't know if I can do it. We'd tell them about the separation after the vacation, so as to reduce the mixed signals.

Just not sure what to do. There is no abuse, no fighting. We can get along fine. Just a lot of hurt on my part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband told me he signed a lease to move out last night. We've been sleeping separately since July. We tried marriage counseling, but he has been too depressed to do the work. Refuses to get help for depression, so that is off the table. This is happening.

Um, no offense in your moment of pain, but is he really depressed? And yet took the initiative to get a place and move out?

[Anonymous]

Well... Our marriage counselor thought he was depressed. His mother and father think depression. My parents say he seems depressed. Everyone who knows him seems to think it, because he uses phrases like "despair" and "sees the world in black and white" and says he is numb.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's a midlife crisis.

Take the kids on the vacation. They know about it, they're excited about it. Suck it up. Tell them about the separation after the first week of school.

[Anonymous]

Just make yourself do it. That's going to be the life of co-parenting after divorce; might as well practise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband told me he signed a lease to move out last night. We've been sleeping separately since July. We tried marriage counseling, but he has been too depressed to do the work. Refuses to get help for depression, so that is off the table. This is happening.

Um, no offense in your moment of pain, but is he really depressed? And yet took the initiative to get a place and move out?

Depressed people can still have the initiative to get a place and move out if that is easier than doing what really needs to be done (i.e., working on his emotional stuff).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make yourself do it. That's going to be the life of co-parenting after divorce; might as well practise

+1. Get used to disappointing your kids and hearing their unhappy reaction. This is going to be your new normal as they adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make yourself do it. That's going to be the life of co-parenting after divorce; might as well practise

+1. Get used to disappointing your kids and hearing their unhappy reaction. This is going to be your new normal as they adjust.

Wow, what a rude comment to make and very unhelpful! OP, I think if you can manage to go on this vacation together and manage to make it a positive experience for your kids, then I think you should try and do it still. If you think that you are going to have a hard time containing your emotions and it may cause things to boil over, then I would say skip the family vacation and find some other things you can do with your kids. I am separated at the moment and honestly I don't think I could do a vacation with my husband and kids. There is just to many emotions going on at this point on both sides. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids are of the age where they are excited. Unless there is the capacity for some kind of altercation, I would go. Vacations can also be therapeutic. Maybe it will help what is going on between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Dude sounds manipulative. I hope you take the majority of custody. Dole him out some extra time as you may choose. His depression is clearly a song of a selfish phase. Ass hat. I would still make him go on vacation. Then if he still insists on his separation let him go. What an ass.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he's on board? Sounds like he's checked out and already assumes the vacation isn't happening.

[Anonymous]

Op here. No, he wants to do the vacation. He has been clear about that. I think we will do it. It will be hard, but if we are going to coparent we need to learn how to do this.

He is being a selfish ass right now. We also just found out his dad has cancer, but don't yet know the severity of it or any prognosis. Great timing, asshole. I don't even really recognize him anymore, the way he is acting.

For those of you who have separated with kids, what and how did you tell them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. No, he wants to do the vacation. He has been clear about that. I think we will do it. It will be hard, but if we are going to coparent we need to learn how to do this.

He is being a selfish ass right now. We also just found out his dad has cancer, but don't yet know the severity of it or any prognosis. Great timing, asshole. I don't even really recognize him anymore, the way he is acting.

For those of you who have separated with kids, what and how did you tell them?

Interesting comment. Maybe he has good reasons to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. No, he wants to do the vacation. He has been clear about that. I think we will do it. It will be hard, but if we are going to coparent we need to learn how to do this.

He is being a selfish ass right now. We also just found out his dad has cancer, but don't yet know the severity of it or any prognosis. Great timing, asshole. I don't even really recognize him anymore, the way he is acting.

For those of you who have separated with kids, what and how did you tell them?

Interesting comment. Maybe he has good reasons to leave.

What would you call a man who, after refusing to participate in marriage counseling, signs a lease on an apartment without telling you and then says "But we should still take the kids on vacation!"

[Anonymous]

Is he depressed because you cheated?