The Weight Thing

[Anonymous]

There has been plenty of discussion on whether spouse has put on weight and if that led to not being attracted to them, affairs, divorce, etc. Of course physical attraction and sex are important in marriage, but just want to put this out there... Is weight gain really a good reason to break up a marriage? Isn't a person about so much more than their weight and physical appearance? Personality, how he/she is as a parent, community member, activity partner, supporter in time of need, etc etc. Seems a shame that all of these things are swept away with such a focus on physical appearance. And this is not to say that people shouldn't care about their appearance, be slovenly, etc. But weight gain being the death knell of committed relationship, really? Seems like our society is not going down the best track...

[Anonymous]

Physical attraction is a huge component of a relationship/marriage. Otherwise, you'd be "just friends." So, to me it is. I'm a woman. Sorry, a huge gut and three chins doesn't do it for me and I don't want to be married to someone who I see as just a friend. Of course I want them to be my best friend but also have an incredible attraction. Before the disgruntled women flame me, yes, I take good care of myself. 36, 5'5, 125 pounds, work out 5 days a week for the past two decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Physical attraction is a huge component of a relationship/marriage. Otherwise, you'd be "just friends." So, to me it is. I'm a woman. Sorry, a huge gut and three chins doesn't do it for me and I don't want to be married to someone who I see as just a friend. Of course I want them to be my best friend but also have an incredible attraction. Before the disgruntled women flame me, yes, I take good care of myself. 36, 5'5, 125 pounds, work out 5 days a week for the past two decades.

I'm in agreement here. I'll add that I think very few people get divorced just because their spouse is fat. However, no matter how politically correct the world gets, it has a real impact on your relationship. Mutual attraction, feeling wanted, fulfilling sex lives are all things that connect you to your spouse and help to build a strong bond.

[Anonymous]

IMO, nobody beaks up their marriage solely because of weight gain. It's not like people just up and file for divorce and list the reason as "gained 50 lbs." But letting yourself gain a massive amount of weight like that is symptomatic of other ways the spouse has probably let things go- there's likely little/no sex, no connection, etc. It's an outward symptom of someone who likely does not focus on the health of their marriage in many different ways. How many guys who gained 100 lbs during marriage are active, involved fathers, equally contributing partners, motivated and successful employees, etc? Probably not many.

[Anonymous]

Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Please don't start with thyroid excuses, we all know that's not what anybody is talking about.

[Anonymous]

I see married fat people all the time. Sometime their spouse is also overweight, sometimes not. Apparently, they make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Please don't start with thyroid excuses, we all know that's not what anybody is talking about.

+1

[Anonymous]

But letting yourself gain a massive amount of weight like that is symptomatic of other ways the spouse has probably let things go- there's likely little/no sex, no connection, etc. It's an outward symptom of someone who likely does not focus on the health of their marriage in many different ways. How many guys who gained 100 lbs during marriage are active, involved fathers, equally contributing partners, motivated and successful employees, etc? Probably not many.

You are an idiot. There a million reasons that people gain weight, and being overweight does not mean that you neglect other people or don't do a good job at work. I seriously hope that you don't have hiring authority at your company, as you are a huge risk for a discrimination lawsuit. Some fat people suck, some fat people are awesome. Some skinny people suck, some skinny people are awesome. Even 6 years olds know not to judge by how someone looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But letting yourself gain a massive amount of weight like that is symptomatic of other ways the spouse has probably let things go- there's likely little/no sex, no connection, etc. It's an outward symptom of someone who likely does not focus on the health of their marriage in many different ways. How many guys who gained 100 lbs during marriage are active, involved fathers, equally contributing partners, motivated and successful employees, etc? Probably not many.

You are an idiot. There a million reasons that people gain weight, and being overweight does not mean that you neglect other people or don't do a good job at work. I seriously hope that you don't have hiring authority at your company, as you are a huge risk for a discrimination lawsuit. Some fat people suck, some fat people are awesome. Some skinny people suck, some skinny people are awesome. Even 6 years olds know not to judge by how someone looks.

And I didn't say at all that being fat is something that others should discriminate against. I'm speaking SPECIFICALLY in the context of OP's post, which involves the question of why people have a problem when THEIR SPOUSE, in the marriage, gains a bunch of weight. This is why. Like I care if my coworker or cashier is fat. But if my husband suddenly got huge, yeah, it would likely be tied to many other ways in which he were dropping the ball within our relationship that wouldn't be cool with me.

[Anonymous]

Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Maybe they care more about their mental/emotional health and spend their free time at the therapist and not the gym.

Maybe they care more about an elderly parent and are too exhausted to work out.

Maybe they care more about their job that requires a heavy amount of travel, and the meals out and irregular sleep are catching up to them.

Maybe they care more about making things comfortable and secure for the people they love, and don't invest time in themselves.

I get that being thin is important to you. Good for you, and no one is begrudging that time and energy that you spend solely on yourself. But others have different priorities. Their priorities aren't wrong, just like yours aren't wrong. They are just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Maybe they care more about their mental/emotional health and spend their free time at the therapist and not the gym.

Maybe they care more about an elderly parent and are too exhausted to work out.

Maybe they care more about their job that requires a heavy amount of travel, and the meals out and irregular sleep are catching up to them.

Maybe they care more about making things comfortable and secure for the people they love, and don't invest time in themselves.

I get that being thin is important to you. Good for you, and no one is begrudging that time and energy that you spend solely on yourself. But others have different priorities. Their priorities aren't wrong, just like yours aren't wrong. They are just different.

This has nothing to do with me. You have no idea what I weigh or how often I work out. I was simply responding to OP's question which was why spouses don't like when another gains a lot of weight. That is why. I do not care why people are fat. It's not my problem, I'm not concerned with it. OP wants to know why SPOUSES care when SPOUSES get fat.

[Anonymous]

If you gain 2-3 lbs every holiday season and then lose it in the spring in your 20s but then in your 30s you stop losing it then at 40 you've gained 20 lbs without noticing. And that's 2-3, what if it's 5 lbs? To prevent that you have work pretty hard. And both men and women suffer from slowed metabolism. A lot of people also have the marriage 10lbs. Eating together makes you eat more and try to cook tasty things. DH and I hit that in our first year. We would have dinner together every night and I would make a 3 course meal and we indulged in wine etc. We both opted for simpler meals and more vegetables and no dessert on weekdays and dropped the extra weight. But it had to be a conscious decision on both our parts.

[Anonymous]

If you gain 2-3 lbs every holiday season and then lose it in the spring in your 20s but then in your 30s you stop losing it then at 40 you've gained 20 lbs without noticing. And that's 2-3, what if it's 5 lbs? To prevent that you have work pretty hard. And both men and women suffer from slowed metabolism. A lot of people also have the marriage 10lbs. Eating together makes you eat more and try to cook tasty things. DH and I hit that in our first year. We would have dinner together every night and I would make a 3 course meal and we indulged in wine etc. We both opted for simpler meals and more vegetables and no dessert on weekdays and dropped the extra weight. But it had to be a conscious decision on both our parts.

[Anonymous]

Here is the problem with weight. First, some men like skinny, some like muscular, some like curvy, so... There is no clear definition of "weight gain".

When I married I was at the bottom of my BMI. I had children and ended up in the middle of my BMI. My H complained because I gained weight,but I was a healthier weight. The middle of my BMI, was healthier. But his brain was so afraid I was "letting it all go".

So we are divorcing now ... Unrealistic expectations killed our marriage.

I am still a healthy BMI.. He is not... Btw... Never was after we had kids. I never cared.

Also, I have friends who have gained a normal amount of weight have H that love them just the way they are... Get tons of booty. Some divorced and found men that appreciate them and a few xH say to us the f'd up.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have a lot of issues. He also gained a lot of weight recently. The weight gain is never anything I would judge him about - our issues would be there regardless. However it does not help our sex life because it makes me anxious to see how much he gained because of the health impacts. Not very sexy to feel anxious!