Ideas how to make amends
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Anonymous
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I am looking for ideas how to make amends with my wife. We had a child 1.5 years ago and for the past 7 mo, I got back back in contact with someone I used to date long distance. Innocent conversations about family turned to flirting and she found my texts. She is hurt and wants out. I apologized profusely and never intended for this to go anywhere. None of the begging or heart felt apologies seem to work as she said it doesn't feel genuine. I've tried taking her to a nice dinner to no avail. She's not looking for an expensive gift. She didn't like the flowers I bought. I've been going to counseling and just asked her to join me. Counselor suggested I try some grand gestures. I need some ideas to make amends, but other than a trip, I don't have anything that can help us with bonding and show that I am truly sorry.
Any ideas to help mend a heart? |
Anonymous
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Your therapist recommended a grand gesture?
Fire him/her and find a new one. |
Anonymous
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It was in the context of showing love. I already felt a little unappreciated from helping so much with the baby, household, and cooking and started feeling resentment. So my continued gestures to be a good husband for doing all the cooking and a lot of chores was one way I was trying to show love. Of course I cut off communications with the ex and focused all my attention on the wife. But those were smaller gestures compared to the amount of damage I caused. This he suggested some grand gestures and to initiate more date nights.
But I could really use some genuine help and ideas for how to demonstrate that I am still in life with DW. |
Anonymous
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Delete the other woman's info, get rid of the texts, be completely open in terms of letting your wife see your phone, your texts, emails, etc. Don't ever say "I'm going out" but be specific and let her know where you're going.
Basically, be HONEST and TRANSPARENT. Be patient. |
Anonymous
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You sound impossibly selfish. Your therapist sounds like a nitwit.
Guess what you have to do? You have to do all the things you've been doing and more, indefinitely, thanklessly. Do everything you can, forever, even if she doesn't show appreciation. You have to do it without resentment. That's what someone who loves her and is worthy of her would do. You broke her trust, and you betrayed her and let her down at the worst, most vulnerable time--when your baby and wife needed you. Take your resentment and feeling unappreciated, and multiply it times a billion, and that, along with hurt and destroyed and betrayed, is how she feels. If it takes her five years to feel you've redeemed yourself, so be it. That's the only way you can demonstrate your love and commitment. And you shouldn't put conditions or deadlines on your behavior and how she needs to feel, either. |
Anonymous
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I have no advice - other than to say that wife's reaction, while understandably emotional, seems a bit of an overreaction. Is the marriage overall a good one? Is this really a one-off of flirting with an old flame during what is the toughest months of a marriage where spouses are, through no ones fault, neglecting each other?
If your wife has that thin of a hair trigger to divorce in a good marriage, it sounds like counselling is needed both for your actions and for her reaction. |
Anonymous
| Get divorced now. Don't drag it out like I did. She will never ever let it go. Six years later and she still brings it up. |
Anonymous
This -- My husband did the same thing years ago. I truly believe that he didn't intend to hurt me, and that the communication was never going to go any further, but he had to earn my trust back at the time. Take her feelings seriously, regardless of whether you understand or agree with them, acknowledge them as valid. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
Oh boy. It is your child right? You realize your responsibilities at least quadruple with kids? The laundry, washing the baby bottles, waking middle of the night, waking early in the morning, the diaper changes (we think we went thru 1000 diapers before potty training), plus helping you child learn how to do things like feed himself, dress himself, use a toilet etc. Have you shown your wife appreciation for being a good mother and supportive of what she does? Had you guys actually discussed division of labor and try to approach it as a team while making sure you were fair to each other? People have different things that work. DH and I split up hours, like I had 8pm - midnight so he could get to sleep first. He had 12-4am so I could sleep. Then he left for work at 5am so I had to get the kids out in the morning. We alternated weekend days so someone could sleep in at least one day a weekend. I don't know about grand gestures. I would want to know you are in it for the long haul and not looking for the first distraction to escape from the increased responsibility of having children. That you love seeing me as the mother of your child(ren) and this new side of my personality and capacity to do more for my family. That you see us as your family, not just wife plus little person that takes a lot of wife's time away from me and causing a crapload of extra work but an "us"that are raising a child together. The date nights should be about having a break at a minimum and finding ways to still bond as a couple. But beyond having date nights you should have something at home whether it is playing cards, watching a favorite tv show together at least once a week etc. Last thing is communication, I know you say your intentions for the flirtation with the ex to go nowhere but "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". If you were feeling under appreciated, this was a conversation to have with your wife. Were you giving out appreciation that you wanted back? Did both of you feel like the division worked for your strengths, work schedules, and fair to each other? Own that you didn't communicate well and work on making it better. Then with the ex, if you were secretive about communicating, right there you knew it was wrong. If my ex turns up and I'm planning to communicate with him, I am not hiding that from DH. If he wants to know what ex has to say, I should have no problems sharing. And it should be crystal clear in any communications that I'm happy in my marriage and that it's a "we" with my DH and no opening for flirtations, escapism, discussing issues with marriage etc. If you aren't feeling that, your energy needs to be focused on your marriage not renewing a friendship with an ex. |
Anonymous
+1 Did she literally just find out? i agree that you were being a bonehead, but I'm surprised her primary reaction is that she wants out. Obviously there were issues that pre-dated your flirtation. |
Anonymous
| Just let her go. She doesn't deserve you. You can do a lot better |
Anonymous
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And to answer your question - individual and couple's counseling, and total transparency. Indefinitely.
Is she willing to go to counseling with you? |
Anonymous
This. There was something wrong under the surface before all of this. Maybe it is partly feeling overwhelmed by the child-rearing but clearly something was already off. Your wife needs to do her own introspection to find out what that was, perhaps with the help of a counselor. But if she thinks "getting out" is the answer, leaving her as a single parent with a toddler, she hasn't thought that through completely either.... |
Anonymous
The first thing you can do is grow up. Then after she sees that you act like a grow up for a year or so, she will believe you and not be resentful. sorry dude, you did the crime do the time. It does not just magically go away because you want it to. Stay in therapy to find out why you are so needy. Meet her for lunch once a week, plan a date once a month (plan it, hire the babysitter, make it at least a 1/2 a day), go on a vacation that you plan with the child, go on an overnight that you plan and you plan the babysitter. BTW, these are not grand gestures, these are normal things a couple does when they love each other. |