Feeling so guilty - Found out friend lied about break-up reason
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Anonymous
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Long story short, I've known my friend John since middle school (in our late twenties now). When we were all about 22 he started dating Jane and introduced her to our group of friends. We all got along well with her and liked her very much. Fast forward to when we were all 25 or so, John and Jane got engaged. As the months went on and the wedding planning took hold I noticed Jane becoming withdrawn around us, but she always managed a smile and told me she was stressed/busy when I would ask what was wrong.
6 months or so before the wedding date, she abruptly (at least to me and our group of friends) called off the wedding. John was hysterical and devastated, drinking himself into a stupor. He said she wouldn't give him a reason and he suspected she was cheating. Me and our friends did not reach out to her, and she did not reach out to us. We heard through John that she quietly canceled everything, forfeited the deposits (which her parents had paid), and mailed him the ring. By this point we had all pretty much demonized her - she was a cheater who broke our friends heart. Fast forward to a few days ago (about 3 years after the break up). John of the blue confessed that he had abused Jane after he proposed. He mentioned specific instances of slamming her head against the car dashboard during an argument and pushing her up against the wall when he drank too much. I was (and am) horrified. I asked him if the cheating aspect was even true and he said that it wasn't, he was just hurt and wanted us to hate her as much as he did for calling off the wedding. He said Jane knew what he had told us but didn't contradict him for whatever reason (maybe she was being noble, or just didn't want to bother getting into more drama). Even though years have gone by and I know from social media savvy friends that Jane has moved on/happily married/thrived, I feel so guilty. I feel awful for not even bothering to ask her side of the story when everything happened, and I feel horrible that she had to go through all of that on top of being painted as the villain. Is it appropriate for me to reach out to her to apologize? I'm not trying to rekindle the friendship (and I'm sure considering the circumstances, she wouldn't want to) but I feel like I should at least message her to say that I'm sorry for assuming the worst. She and I were never as close as I was to John but she was still my friend, and I owed her better than that. |
Anonymous
| I would let sleeping dogs lie. She has moved on and she's happy, that's what matters. Chalk this up as a lesson to consider the source and not take everything your friends say at face value. |
Anonymous
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If I were her I would appreciate the apology. I'm sure at this stage she doesn't need it, but I'd imagine it would feel nice to know that people finally know the truth.
John is the one who REALLY owes her an apology... What a jerk. I hope you're reconsidering that friendship. |
Anonymous
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Good for Jane. I'm so happy for her that she escaped an abusive relationship.
If you weren't very close friends, I would let it go. She didn't reach out to any of you - she made a clean break because that's what she wanted and needed to do. I don't think you need to feel guilty - if you had known, obviously you would have reacted much differently. Like Jane, you were also fooled into believing this guy was a decent human being. Has he gotten into rehab or worked his issues out? I don't think I could continue to be friends with him. |
Anonymous
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Just to add, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to reach out, but I wouldn't mention the details of the abuse. I would just let her know that you recently learned that John isn't who he seemed to be and you're sorry you never reached out to her. You can let her know that you've missed her and wish her well. But I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty.
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Anonymous
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I would leave her be; she knows you likely didn't know and I'm sure she wouldn't want any reminders of a traumatic time in her life.
I hope you've cut him from your life. |
Anonymous
I would at least mention it, though. Ie: " I recently learned from John what really happened when you broke up and what he did. I am so sorry. You didn't deserve that. I am sorry that I didn't reach out to you. You deserved support from your friends." She needs to know that someone knows about the abuse and believes her. |
Anonymous
| Leave it alone. She gets nothing out of it; you would only be doing this to make yourself feel better. |
Anonymous
| Let her be. I would seriously question my friendship with John too. |
Anonymous
All this. |
Anonymous
| Fake |
Anonymous
| Thanks for the feedback. I haven't spoken to him since. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't drudge up the (painful) past for her.
She sounds like she is doing very well now & has moved on from her awful experience. Good for her. Just be happy for her. As for your friend, it would be hard for me to socialize w/someone who could beat on a woman, then cover it up by lying to his friends about it while at the same time destroying her reputation. What a shmuck! 
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Anonymous
| Why would you reach out and remind her of a very traumatic and awful period in her life? It sounds like it'll make YOU feel better, but you aren't considering her feelings, and that's selfish. Do NOT reach out to her. Do NOT remind her of a past she's likely put behind her. And do NOT bring up those memories for her. All to make yourself feel better. And cut John out of your life. He doesn't deserve your friendship. |
Anonymous
+1 |