Talk to me about your journey from SAHM to divorce
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Anonymous
| Thanks |
Anonymous
| Um? I had our fourth kid, we admitted defeat when she was about 6 months, and we got divorced. I borrowed DH's MBA books to figure out how to write up a business plan, wrote one out for the business I wanted to start, and he gave me spousal support for an extra 12 months beyond how long my business plan said it would take for me to be self-supporting. |
Anonymous
| If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world? |
ThatBetch
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When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it? |
ThatBetch
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I had a breakdown when my kid was 2ish. Part of my recovery included starting a business so I'd have some independence. My abusive ex went out of his way to block me at all possible points. It was a slow process, but I kept at it.
We finally split when the aforementioned kid was almost 8. It is incredibly difficult to work from home while raising a kid (now kids, in my case, and I hope PP comes at me with that same question...), but it's manageable so far. Ex has promised "spousal support" for a year once small kid is in school, but he has a nasty habit of breaking promises. My advice would be to do all you can to get/stay self-sufficient, and save money however you can. |
Anonymous
NP. You made it happily through however many years it takes to have three kids, but somehow things got that bad that fast? It's surprising. |
ThatBetch
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Have you heard the one about the boiled frog? Maybe, to an outsider, it's easy to spot abuse. To the person dealing with it, while also dealing with young children, a job, a household to manage, etc., it can be a bit less obvious. If he had started with level 10 abuse, like it was when it ended, it would've been a much shorter relationship. But that's not always how abuse works. In the beginning, I thought I was overreacting, having trouble adjusting to married life, sleep-deprived because of the new baby, grieving the miscarriage(s), stressed from starting the new business, etc. There were plenty of "real life" excuses for why I might've been so exhausted, and second-guessing myself is a skill I brought to my marriage. Being a flawed human, I have my own insecurities, anxieties, etc. and I'm a decent enough person that I'd sooner admit those traits and fault myself than blame my partner. He claimed to love me. He said he was sorry. He promised he'd work on it... It took years of unpacking to get to the heart of how messed up the dynamic was between us. I know some people think that SAH parents just sit around eating chips all day, but my experience was not nearly so leisurely. I didn't exactly have uninterrupted hours for navel-gazing and pondering the mess I was in. I had kids to parent, a home to manage, and a new business to try to get of the ground. So no, it wasn't that it "got that bad that fast." It's that it takes time to see that the person claiming to love you doesn't, time to convince yourself that it's them and not you, and time to gather enough self-worth and trust to believe you'll be okay on your own (even more difficult if you've been isolated, at home, from support, and are financially dependent on your abuser). |
Anonymous
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Ok aside from all this old drama
Op if you're a SAHM you need a job. Not an option not to. Start brushing up your skills and resume and interviewing. You can keep that a secret if you need to but you'll need a job sooner or later. Do you know your finances? Find a child support calculator and figure up what you can reasonably expect in child support to build a budget because you'll need to either move out and find a smaller place or buy your husband out of his half of the house IF you can afford to maintain it alone (most can't). Don't count on spousal support or alimony, unless he's loaded, you won't get it. |
Anonymous
| Yes, plan to live on job + child support formula + possibly a year or two of alimony, if your ex makes enough and you have been out of the job market for a really long time and need some time to get back up to speed. |
Anonymous
| If it takes me a long time to find a job, how do I move out? We have one child. |
Anonymous
| You can ask for a temporary child support arrangement until you finalize your agreement, and get a temp job. |
Anonymous
You stay until you find the job. It isn't ideal but that's reality. Highly doubtful he will move out and pay for wherever you are living, so you find a job, then a place to live and tell him your plan. |
Anonymous
You don't go from happy to divorced in 15 months, in the afterglow of pregnancy and new baby. |
Anonymous
Project much? OP said NOTHING about abuse. |
ThatBetch
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Reading comprehension much? OP said "talk to me about your journey". So I did. Handle it. |