Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?

[Anonymous]

DH had an affair. I found out several months ago and we are working on it, both in counseling, etc. I have told some friends and found support through that. DH has told no one other than his therapist and our marriage counselor. he is ashamed and very remorseful, but we still have a ways to go to climb back from this.

One of the things I am struggling with is looking for some sense of ownership and accountability from DH. While it feels like I am impacted every day by his behavior, it appears that his life goes on unchanged. (He would say he is hurting internally.) He has been subjected to my anger and sadness and withholding sex, but no punishment or accountability otherwise. There are a couple of times when he has really looked me in the eye and fully owned what he did, the lying and covering tracks, etc. and that felt helpful to me, even though it's hard to hear.

For some reason, I am hung up on the fact that he has told no one. Especially his family. They have no idea what's been going on or what he's done. I have pulled back from my communication with his family significantly b/c I dont know how to behave around them when they dont know how much I've been hurting, or what their son has done. I used to be in very frequent contact with MIL.

I have this idea that if his parents knew, then they could somehow help with this accountability and ownership that i'm looking for. But it's possible that they will just be very sympathetic with DH, he is their son after all, and I will not get what I'm looking for. (To make it extra tricky, my MIL was unfaithful in her first marriage, so maybe she really has a lot of sympathy for DH's position.) When I bring this up with DH, he says that he doesn't want to tell them b/c you can't really "repack that box" so to speak.

Does anyone have experience with this? Did your spouse disclose his/her affair to his/her own family? Was it helpful to you or hurtful?

[Anonymous]

Do you feel like shaming him will make you feel better? Do you think his parents will send him to time out, or ground him? What do you hope will happen?

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken with the counselor about this?

[Anonymous]

You will never be satisfied. If you force him to tell his family you will find something in how he tells them that you are dissatisfied with. You will not feel like their response is correct. You want your pound of flesh. You will never get what you are looking for. The only option is to forgive and move on. Otherwise it will consume a good portion of your life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want him to be accountable to people other than you. I can sympathize with those feelings, and totally understand backing off from his family because you don't know how to behave around them. However, I think that your DH is right - you can't repack that box, and if what you are going for is reconciliation and repairing your marriage, I think that it's probably best to keep that work between the two of you.

I think it's great that you have found people to confide in and that you are getting that support. It doesn't sound like you will get support from DH's family - and honestly, I don't think it's right to expect that. He is their son, and while he clearly screwed up big time, it doesn't sound like what he did would be an unforgivable offense in his family.

I would focus on other ways that you can rebuild things with your husband. It sounds like you want him to hurt the way you are hurting but do not believe him when he tells you that he is hurting. Accountability in this situation is different from vengeance.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Yes, I hope he will feel ashamed.

I hope I can behave more honestly with my MIL. Not that we need to talk about the events themselves, but that she can know why I have pulled back. Maybe she can offer support.

If I'm being honest, I think I also want some kind of recognition for staying with him through this.

I keep thinking how the first step in AA is to go tell people. When you say it out loud it's powerful. DH hasn't done that.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I would look to my DH's mother for support with her son's infidelity. What about your mother, sister, sister in law, best friends? Those would be better choices than your MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP, it appears you haven't told yours. Correct?

Here's the thing, if this is a temporary situation you will work through then I would involve as few people as possible. Especially family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you want him to be accountable to people other than you. I can sympathize with those feelings, and totally understand backing off from his family because you don't know how to behave around them. However, I think that your DH is right - you can't repack that box, and if what you are going for is reconciliation and repairing your marriage, I think that it's probably best to keep that work between the two of you.

I think it's great that you have found people to confide in and that you are getting that support. It doesn't sound like you will get support from DH's family - and honestly, I don't think it's right to expect that. He is their son, and while he clearly screwed up big time, it doesn't sound like what he did would be an unforgivable offense in his family.

I would focus on other ways that you can rebuild things with your husband. It sounds like you want him to hurt the way you are hurting but do not believe him when he tells you that he is hurting. Accountability in this situation is different from vengeance.

OP here. yes, I want this. Is this possible? It feels wildly unfair that I have to hold all the pain and do all the work of forgiving. I do want him to hurt, too! I have thought about leaving for a week or more, but we have a small child and that makes it difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Yes, I hope he will feel ashamed.

I hope I can behave more honestly with my MIL. Not that we need to talk about the events themselves, but that she can know why I have pulled back. Maybe she can offer support.

If I'm being honest, I think I also want some kind of recognition for staying with him through this.

I keep thinking how the first step in AA is to go tell people. When you say it out loud it's powerful. DH hasn't done that.

No, that is not the first step.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Telling people and making amends is way down that 12 step list.

[ThatBetch]

If there's 'weirdness' as a result of cheating, the person responsible should own it. I don't think wearing a scarlet "A" is mandatory, but if his mom is pointing out that your behavior is... whatever (cooler, anxious, etc.), he should explain why (not you). Asking you to put on a happy face and not say anything is a(nother) jerk move. Forcing you to "out" him makes you look like the bad guy, which is also a jerk move.

Refusing to own his actions is a red flag. Again, I'm not saying he needs to make a public declaration of shame and regret, but if/when the fallout from his actions becomes noticeable to others, he needs to take responsibility for it. He made the mess.

And you're absolutely right: acknowledging the mess is the first step toward cleaning it up. Attempting to sweep it under the rug =/= cleaning.

[Anonymous]

IF my spouse cheated AND we decided to reconcile, I would not need him to disclose his cheating to anyone other than our therapist. I think I actually would feel worse emotionally if our loved ones knew.
Full disclosure: my first husband had an EA. It was not directly related to our divorce. He never told his family directly, but introduced her to his family after our divorce. They filled in the blanks on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you want him to be accountable to people other than you. I can sympathize with those feelings, and totally understand backing off from his family because you don't know how to behave around them. However, I think that your DH is right - you can't repack that box, and if what you are going for is reconciliation and repairing your marriage, I think that it's probably best to keep that work between the two of you.

I think it's great that you have found people to confide in and that you are getting that support. It doesn't sound like you will get support from DH's family - and honestly, I don't think it's right to expect that. He is their son, and while he clearly screwed up big time, it doesn't sound like what he did would be an unforgivable offense in his family.

I would focus on other ways that you can rebuild things with your husband. It sounds like you want him to hurt the way you are hurting but do not believe him when he tells you that he is hurting. Accountability in this situation is different from vengeance.

OP here. yes, I want this. Is this possible? It feels wildly unfair that I have to hold all the pain and do all the work of forgiving. I do want him to hurt, too! I have thought about leaving for a week or more, but we have a small child and that makes it difficult.

See 15:35 above. You will never be satisfied that he is "hurt" as much as you. There is no way for your to measure this. You feel wronged and you want vengeance. Even if you exact pain on him it will never be enough. This is simply human nature. I've noticed in my own life that there are a couple major "insults" that I simply are not able to get past. It as been years and years but when I dwell on them I wish there was some way to make those people pay. There is no price high enough that would make me forgive them in actuality. Even if they paid some terrible price I would say "they deserved it!" and then I would wish more pain on them. This sounds like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Yes, I hope he will feel ashamed.

I hope I can behave more honestly with my MIL. Not that we need to talk about the events themselves, but that she can know why I have pulled back. Maybe she can offer support.

If I'm being honest, I think I also want some kind of recognition for staying with him through this.

I keep thinking how the first step in AA is to go tell people. When you say it out loud it's powerful. DH hasn't done that.

No, that is not the first step.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Telling people and making amends is way down that 12 step list.

This. Plus you're making amends with people you have harmed. OP's husband hasn't harmed his mother by having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Yes, I hope he will feel ashamed.

I hope I can behave more honestly with my MIL. Not that we need to talk about the events themselves, but that she can know why I have pulled back. Maybe she can offer support.

If I'm being honest, I think I also want some kind of recognition for staying with him through this.

I keep thinking how the first step in AA is to go tell people. When you say it out loud it's powerful. DH hasn't done that.

Are you in therapy, OP?