ExDH marrying AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP. I REALLY appreciate you sharing your experience.

So it sounds like you are able to pretty much completely avoid the AP? There are no joint birthday parties or attending school events together?

When the kids were younger when we first separated, we did joint birthday parties but she never came. I put in the divorce agreement that for joint events related to the kids, BOTH parties had to approve all adults on the guest list. It’s never been an issue.

For the last 3-4 years, since the kids have been teenagers, they haven’t wanted family birthday parties anyway, so it hasn’t come up again.

The last time I ever spoke to her was several years before I learned of the affair, when I knew her as my husband’s admin assistant. I have seen her at events, like a school football game she might be in the stands with my ex. But we don’t sit together, and the few times I’ve talked to my ex when she was at the same event she runs off.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been a picnic. I had to put my foot down hard when she moved into my neighborhood, a few blocks from my house while we were still in marriage counseling. I put into the divorce agreement that if we ever saw her or her kids at the neighborhood pool or the kids afterschool program, my ex would pay for a pool pass for us at a pool of my choosing and would cover the cost of putting the kids in a new after school program of my choosing.

Thankfully he got the message and they gave us our space.

You put in the divorce agreement that you both have to approve adult guests? That sounds insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

How long ago did you separate?

I watched this happen to a friend of mine. Her now ex husband got a new colleague at work and they just clicked. Same quirks, sense of humor, hobbies, like she was his other half. First they were just best buds and hung out, then they both left their spouses to be together. My friend married him in her early twenties and he was her college boyfriend. Not sure what to make of it. Everyone on this forum is like “snag a guy in college and lock him down. Start saving money and buy a house” but how do you know this won’t happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married her AP less than 6 months after my dad moved out. My sister and I were 7 and 11. My dad never spoke a bad word about my mom or my stepdad in front of us. EVER. My stepdad is an incredible man and has been an amazing father to us. I can't tell you how much I respect my father for not putting adult issues onto his kids.

I understand it's painful for you, but you need to leave the kids out of it. All you can do is move forward and hope she's a good stepmother to them. It only hurts the kids if you make things difficult. As difficult as it is, you put on your big girl pants and be the bigger person for the sake of the kids.

Your stepfather broke up a family. he is not an incredible man. This is why people need to share some truth with their kids. It’s a parents job to instill character and proper values. breaking up families is immoral, and there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids so. In fact, you should!

+1. Your Dad deserves respect, but it's really weird you don't recognize your SD was not a good guy. I notice you don't mention your mom, so maybe you realize she was the jerk.

You can make a mistake and still be a good person. Life is messy. I was mad about it when I was younger but I worked through it. Harboring resentment wasn't serving a purpose.

Good people don’t cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

How long ago did you separate?

2020.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

Wow you are a better person than me. I’m proud of you. Not the ending I had hoped for for those shameless jerks.

I'm not a better person, trust me. For the first 2 years, I was angry and bitter and wished every horrible thing on both of them. But my anger left me in a dark place. I felt consumed with hate, anger, and ugliness and it had a chokehold on me. It was not a good way to be. I didn't want to be that person for my kids. I didn't want to be that person for myself. It felt like they won and I felt destroyed. I wanted to find a way to win. And to me, the best revenge I could think of was to make myself whole, happy, and live a beautiful, peaceful life. If I could do that, I'd be winning. So I worked hard, and I mean hard. I feel lucky that I was able to work through that, I personally know two women who have remained bitter and angry many years after divorce. I feel free now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get over it and coparent just like you would in any divorce. You guys are no longer married, focus on yourself and finding your own happiness.

This. And don’t turn bitter. Don’t talk badly about her or your DH, or cheating to your kids. Just be neutral. It is in the best interest of your kids to be supportive of whatever relationship and involvement your kids want to have with their dad and new step mom. Regardless of your feelings toward them.

easier said than done when your ex destroys your past, present and future. all your hopes and dreams. your sense of security and right and wrong and trust in anyone. Until you have been heinously betrayed and gaslit by your LIFE PARTNER, you have no idea how horrible and debilitating it is.
You don't just get over it. Betrayal trauma lasts 2-5 years per psychologists. So please don't blame the betrayed spouse for being a bit bitter, distraught, confused, angry, etc. You will never know the pain unless it happens to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get over it and coparent just like you would in any divorce. You guys are no longer married, focus on yourself and finding your own happiness.

This. And don’t turn bitter. Don’t talk badly about her or your DH, or cheating to your kids. Just be neutral. It is in the best interest of your kids to be supportive of whatever relationship and involvement your kids want to have with their dad and new step mom. Regardless of your feelings toward them.

easier said than done when your ex destroys your past, present and future. all your hopes and dreams. your sense of security and right and wrong and trust in anyone. Until you have been heinously betrayed and gaslit by your LIFE PARTNER, you have no idea how horrible and debilitating it is.
You don't just get over it. Betrayal trauma lasts 2-5 years per psychologists. So please don't blame the betrayed spouse for being a bit bitter, distraught, confused, angry, etc. You will never know the pain unless it happens to you.

No one is saying you aren't entitled to these feelings. You absolutely are. What most people are saying is you need to find a way to work through it without putting it on your kids. Like it or not, their dad is still their dad. You are only hurting them if you allow anger, bitterness and resentment to guide your decisions and involve the kids in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

Wow you are a better person than me. I’m proud of you. Not the ending I had hoped for for those shameless jerks.

I'm not a better person, trust me. For the first 2 years, I was angry and bitter and wished every horrible thing on both of them. But my anger left me in a dark place. I felt consumed with hate, anger, and ugliness and it had a chokehold on me. It was not a good way to be. I didn't want to be that person for my kids. I didn't want to be that person for myself. It felt like they won and I felt destroyed. I wanted to find a way to win. And to me, the best revenge I could think of was to make myself whole, happy, and live a beautiful, peaceful life. If I could do that, I'd be winning. So I worked hard, and I mean hard. I feel lucky that I was able to work through that, I personally know two women who have remained bitter and angry many years after divorce. I feel free now.

I admire you. And will try to follow your example. I’m struggling with a betrayal right now that has me consumed with hate and revenge fantasies. And I’m normally a super forgiving and loving person so I hate that I am allowing them to take that from me. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

Wow you are a better person than me. I’m proud of you. Not the ending I had hoped for for those shameless jerks.

I'm not a better person, trust me. For the first 2 years, I was angry and bitter and wished every horrible thing on both of them. But my anger left me in a dark place. I felt consumed with hate, anger, and ugliness and it had a chokehold on me. It was not a good way to be. I didn't want to be that person for my kids. I didn't want to be that person for myself. It felt like they won and I felt destroyed. I wanted to find a way to win. And to me, the best revenge I could think of was to make myself whole, happy, and live a beautiful, peaceful life. If I could do that, I'd be winning. So I worked hard, and I mean hard. I feel lucky that I was able to work through that, I personally know two women who have remained bitter and angry many years after divorce. I feel free now.

I admire you. And will try to follow your example. I’m struggling with a betrayal right now that has me consumed with hate and revenge fantasies. And I’m normally a super forgiving and loving person so I hate that I am allowing them to take that from me. Thank you for sharing your story.

Oh, I know that feeling all too well. I was in that space for a very long time. You'll get through it just like I did. And when you do, you'll feel like you conquered the world. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

Wow you are a better person than me. I’m proud of you. Not the ending I had hoped for for those shameless jerks.

I'm not a better person, trust me. For the first 2 years, I was angry and bitter and wished every horrible thing on both of them. But my anger left me in a dark place. I felt consumed with hate, anger, and ugliness and it had a chokehold on me. It was not a good way to be. I didn't want to be that person for my kids. I didn't want to be that person for myself. It felt like they won and I felt destroyed. I wanted to find a way to win. And to me, the best revenge I could think of was to make myself whole, happy, and live a beautiful, peaceful life. If I could do that, I'd be winning. So I worked hard, and I mean hard. I feel lucky that I was able to work through that, I personally know two women who have remained bitter and angry many years after divorce. I feel free now.

I admire you. And will try to follow your example. I’m struggling with a betrayal right now that has me consumed with hate and revenge fantasies. And I’m normally a super forgiving and loving person so I hate that I am allowing them to take that from me. Thank you for sharing your story.

DP - I am right in the thick of it, too – and I hate feeling this way. Some days are better than others, but it is brutal. Here's to getting through this.

[Anonymous]

You put in the divorce agreement that you both have to approve adult guests? That sounds insane

You can call it insane. It worked for us. It was intended to support our ability to have drama-free joint birthday parties for the kids while they were young, and that’s what the kids wanted. We never even had to enact it, because he never tried to bring his AP and so never tried to bring any romantic partner (no idea if he would have cared or not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. My exDW broke our family to be with her AP. I've always wondered what I would do if she came to me and said they were moving in together or getting married.

Our kids are a little older than yours and I have contemplated this thought a lot. The vindictive side of me makes me think that I would blow up their relationship by going public about how they met and cheated on each other's family for a year before breaking up the two families.

But the father in me is guiding me and now the second one of my kids told me that they did not want to spend time with them, I'd lawyer up and go to court for sole custody. Plus in VA, I think at the age of 14 a child can go to court and ask the judge to grant their wish to stay with one parent. Maybe see how it goes and if the child ever mentions that they are not comfortable or don't want to go to their house, then be ready to ask the ex that for the kid's emotional needs, you need the kid to be with you full time and he can have access to them whenever, for dinner/movies/play dates etc.

I’m the poster up thread whose dad cheated and left for the AP. I’m really sorry that your wife did this to you. But you’re clearly spoiling for a fight and looking for an excuse to keep the kids away from their mom. Don’t do this. I had lots of reservations about spending time with my dad and his new wife and it was hard enough for me without feeling like my mom was just waiting for the opportunity to encourage resistance. Kids need help moving forward in life. You sound like a good dad who is invested in your kids. There is no way around how much this sucks for you and again I’m sorry. But you have to suck it up and be a dad. You don’t force them to spend time at exW and AP’s house, but don’t also pounce the moment they behave like a predictably petulant teen. Focus on finding yourself some adult companionship and energy that you need.

Thanks for sharing this. I am not looking for a fight but have a plan should the kids say that they don't want to stay there. The AP has mental health issues, has guns in the house, and does not have access to his own kids (domestic violence in a previous marriage, checked on MOCO county court site) so I am just being mentally prepared to make sure my kids are safe. If that ends in a fight, then so be it. But my kids and their safety will always come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

Wow you are a better person than me. I’m proud of you. Not the ending I had hoped for for those shameless jerks.

I'm not a better person, trust me. For the first 2 years, I was angry and bitter and wished every horrible thing on both of them. But my anger left me in a dark place. I felt consumed with hate, anger, and ugliness and it had a chokehold on me. It was not a good way to be. I didn't want to be that person for my kids. I didn't want to be that person for myself. It felt like they won and I felt destroyed. I wanted to find a way to win. And to me, the best revenge I could think of was to make myself whole, happy, and live a beautiful, peaceful life. If I could do that, I'd be winning. So I worked hard, and I mean hard. I feel lucky that I was able to work through that, I personally know two women who have remained bitter and angry many years after divorce. I feel free now.

I admire you. And will try to follow your example. I’m struggling with a betrayal right now that has me consumed with hate and revenge fantasies. And I’m normally a super forgiving and loving person so I hate that I am allowing them to take that from me. Thank you for sharing your story.

Oh, I know that feeling all too well. I was in that space for a very long time. You'll get through it just like I did. And when you do, you'll feel like you conquered the world. Best of luck to you.

I remember wishing and fantasizing they would both step into the street and get run over by a bus. It takes you to a low place.

[Anonymous]

Focus on your children's well-being, not your pain. She might be a great step-mother. Give her a chance. Don't ruin it for your children because you are (rightfully) hurt. This is an adult problem, not a child problem. I'm more concerned about you hurting your child with your pain than the couple who has moved on from you.

[Anonymous]

Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.