ExDH marrying AP

[Anonymous]

Has anyone told their kids that mom and dad divorced because, for instance, mom no longer loved dad as a wife loves a husband, and wanted to be with someone else?

Is it that bad to say this kind of truth to a kid? The language isn’t focused on cheating, but that mom loves someone else, someone that makes her happy.

[Anonymous]

So when a child asks why the family is broken, the parent who didn’t break the family must lie to the child?

Kids will remember when you lied to them and feel betrayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some truly awful parents on this board. This is about the kids, not about your relationship. All of these, identify the cheater as the bad guy parents are truly the evil the kids need to avoid. It is an ugly bitter look that will make your kids miserable. You both have decided at this point to live separately. That is all your kids need to be told. Anything else is you putting your relationship issues on them.

The cheater is the "bad guy" they are a liar and a cheat. It doesn't just show up in one aspect of their lives, it's who they are. Kids will learn this early. They will realize that it has nothing to do with them, you can't control others and their actions come from within themselves .

They don't cheat because the kid was annoying, they cheat because they suck. Kids learn they can't be "better" to get their parent's love because their parent will do what they want no matter how "good" their child is. They can't "earn" their parents love and support, the parent will put themselves 1st no matter what.

They will also see their other parent loves them unconditionally and sacrifice to do for them.

This is quite a leap.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

So ya both decided to end the marriage. Keep it simple. Otherwise it devolves to confusing bickering

No. You do not lie about how the marriage ended. You say the cheater decided that they did not want to be married and the cheated on doesn't have a say. It only takes 1 person to end a marriage.

The cheater can explain why they decided to end the marriage.

If the cheated on didn't want to end the marriage they can't say why the marriage ended. What do you want them to say, your parent is a cruel and evil person so we are divorcing.

You don't leave kids with no reason. The reason is one parent decided to not be married and the other parent had no choice in the matter.

And so if the cheating spouse says they ended the marriage because Mommy “didn’t love him” but step mommy/AP loves him, ayou’re fine with that? Because it’s on the cheating spouse to explain? You don’t seem to realize the can of worms you’re opening.

Sure, I can't control a cheater from lying to my child. They have clearly lied and cheated, you now expect them to be upfront and honest.

As the normal and healthy parent I will say, that's not true mom is lying to you.

Kids of cheaters eventually learn that one parent lies and cheats and the other is the one you can count on and Yes it starts very young.

Except to the cheater that isn’t a lie. So now your kids have two versions of the story from their parents, each blaming the other. Why on earth do you think that’s a situation that gives the kids the idea there’s only one they can count on, or that it would be you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So when a child asks why the family is broken, the parent who didn’t break the family must lie to the child?

Kids will remember when you lied to them and feel betrayed.

I’m in this situation. Ex DH cheated. I initially lied to my kids, saying mom and dad grew apart. But, now I feel that a simple statement is best - “dad decided to be with someone else, and he’s happier now.” ExDH initially wanted to tell the truth, but now does not want to. He’s afraid that even a simple statement like “dad decided to be with someone else” will cause his kids to get angry with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So when a child asks why the family is broken, the parent who didn’t break the family must lie to the child?

Kids will remember when you lied to them and feel betrayed.

I’m in this situation. Ex DH cheated. I initially lied to my kids, saying mom and dad grew apart. But, now I feel that a simple statement is best - “dad decided to be with someone else, and he’s happier now.” ExDH initially wanted to tell the truth, but now does not want to. He’s afraid that even a simple statement like “dad decided to be with someone else” will cause his kids to get angry with him.

And if the kids get angry with him, that’s his fault. He made this decision without taking the kids into consideration so it’s hard to pity him for facing the consequences of his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some truly awful parents on this board. This is about the kids, not about your relationship. All of these, identify the cheater as the bad guy parents are truly the evil the kids need to avoid. It is an ugly bitter look that will make your kids miserable. You both have decided at this point to live separately. That is all your kids need to be told. Anything else is you putting your relationship issues on them.

The cheater is the "bad guy" they are a liar and a cheat. It doesn't just show up in one aspect of their lives, it's who they are. Kids will learn this early. They will realize that it has nothing to do with them, you can't control others and their actions come from within themselves .

They don't cheat because the kid was annoying, they cheat because they suck. Kids learn they can't be "better" to get their parent's love because their parent will do what they want no matter how "good" their child is. They can't "earn" their parents love and support, the parent will put themselves 1st no matter what.

They will also see their other parent loves them unconditionally and sacrifice to do for them.

This is quite a leap.

I wish it were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone told their kids that mom and dad divorced because, for instance, mom no longer loved dad as a wife loves a husband, and wanted to be with someone else?

Is it that bad to say this kind of truth to a kid? The language isn’t focused on cheating, but that mom loves someone else, someone that makes her happy.

My child is a teen and, after her father moved out, she asked outright if her father had been cheating. I said that I didn’t really know the answer for sure, but he was obviously not happy and didn’t want to be married to me any longer. When her father was instantly and not at all discreetly coupled up, she drew her own conclusions.

I think it really depends on the age of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone told their kids that mom and dad divorced because, for instance, mom no longer loved dad as a wife loves a husband, and wanted to be with someone else?

Is it that bad to say this kind of truth to a kid? The language isn’t focused on cheating, but that mom loves someone else, someone that makes her happy.

No, better explanation that most of my friends and family are telling their kids to explain my cheating husband is: cheater made some very bad decisions and chose to break their marriage vows, promises and commitments. He betrayed his whole family and this is a very bad thing

[Anonymous]

Cheating is not 1 bad choice but a series of hundreds and thousands of bad choices and decisions over time to pursue, lust after, confide in someone else instead of your spouse, while knowing each interaction is wrong and cheating but doing it anyway.
An affair doesn’t just happen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is not 1 bad choice but a series of hundreds and thousands of bad choices and decisions over time to pursue, lust after, confide in someone else instead of your spouse, while knowing each interaction is wrong and cheating but doing it anyway.
An affair doesn’t just happen

This is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

Look at the ap posting here.

[Anonymous]

I think you should act ridiculously cheerful to her about the thrilling news that she is about to exchange vows with the man who broke those same vows he made to you to be with her!

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 14. I have been married for 20 years. Honestly I don't care about the reasons that led to their divorce. They both took really good care of us, never spoke bad about each other, and at times it felt like my parents were still married because we never felt any tension between them while we were shutting back and forth. My dad had us Friday through Sunday, but during the week he would.take me and pick me up from swimming even though he lived 40 mins away from my mom. My dad made a lot of personal sacrifices. He only started dating when we went to college later telling us he waited because he didn't want anyone to ask him to split his time. My mom never dated and is still single and she is totally happy. We are just grateful we didn't have to go through any blending of families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 14. I have been married for 20 years. Honestly I don't care about the reasons that led to their divorce. They both took really good care of us, never spoke bad about each other, and at times it felt like my parents were still married because we never felt any tension between them while we were shutting back and forth. My dad had us Friday through Sunday, but during the week he would.take me and pick me up from swimming even though he lived 40 mins away from my mom. My dad made a lot of personal sacrifices. He only started dating when we went to college later telling us he waited because he didn't want anyone to ask him to split his time. My mom never dated and is still single and she is totally happy. We are just grateful we didn't have to go through any blending of families.

It certainly doesn’t sound like there was any infidelity here. People who cheat aren’t going to wait years and years to date.