ExDH marrying AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom married her AP less than 6 months after my dad moved out. My sister and I were 7 and 11. My dad never spoke a bad word about my mom or my stepdad in front of us. EVER. My stepdad is an incredible man and has been an amazing father to us. I can't tell you how much I respect my father for not putting adult issues onto his kids.

I understand it's painful for you, but you need to leave the kids out of it. All you can do is move forward and hope she's a good stepmother to them. It only hurts the kids if you make things difficult. As difficult as it is, you put on your big girl pants and be the bigger person for the sake of the kids.

This.

OP, you doing what is best for your kids is one of the things you have 100% control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

So ya both decided to end the marriage. Keep it simple. Otherwise it devolves to confusing bickering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

So ya both decided to end the marriage. Keep it simple. Otherwise it devolves to confusing bickering

No. You do not lie about how the marriage ended. You say the cheater decided that they did not want to be married and the cheated on doesn't have a say. It only takes 1 person to end a marriage.

The cheater can explain why they decided to end the marriage.

If the cheated on didn't want to end the marriage they can't say why the marriage ended. What do you want them to say, your parent is a cruel and evil person so we are divorcing.

You don't leave kids with no reason. The reason is one parent decided to not be married and the other parent had no choice in the matter.

[Anonymous]

As parents we are raising children into adults. It is not our job to shield them from the reality of the world. It is our job to prepare them for the world bit by bit in an age appropriate manner. Children can be told in an age appropriate manner what has occurred. There is no need to harp on it with them. And There is no need to flat out lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex wife cheated and we are now divorced. What surprised me most after I filed for divorce was her unusually high confidence that she would be able to attract men very easily. 5 years later she may have gone through at least 5 boyfriends, incredibly depressed and bitter, sad looking, old, odd looking physically. I have tried a couple of times to get full custody of my kids but failed. I wanted full custody because my kids didn't want to stay with her because her depressive behavior was making their time at her place hell yelling for everything complaint for everything. That's the only part I am sad about that my kids sadly have to spend 50% of their time with her. Unfortunately family courts are very reluctant to give full custody unless there is some kind of daily physical abuse I guess. Sometimes I wonder if there is a gender component at play, what if I were the ones yelling at my kids constantly because my life was sh***t, would my ex get full custody then? I hope not because we are told that the courts are now gender neutral when it comes to custody arrangements.

This whole victim Schlick is straight out of a narcissists playbook. Who says their ex is “odd looking physically” except for someone with a lot of issues and resentment. Do the work.

[Anonymous]

By telling kids the age appropriate truth you are teaching them what a huge responsibility taking on a marriage and kids is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

Nothing in the above response you quoted says you have to say anything about mom or dad deciding anything. Did you not read before you quoted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

Nothing in the above response you quoted says you have to say anything about mom or dad deciding anything. Did you not read before you quoted?

You asked a question "What in the world do you think you say to a five year old??

I answered it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex wife cheated and we are now divorced. What surprised me most after I filed for divorce was her unusually high confidence that she would be able to attract men very easily. 5 years later she may have gone through at least 5 boyfriends, incredibly depressed and bitter, sad looking, old, odd looking physically. I have tried a couple of times to get full custody of my kids but failed. I wanted full custody because my kids didn't want to stay with her because her depressive behavior was making their time at her place hell yelling for everything complaint for everything. That's the only part I am sad about that my kids sadly have to spend 50% of their time with her. Unfortunately family courts are very reluctant to give full custody unless there is some kind of daily physical abuse I guess. Sometimes I wonder if there is a gender component at play, what if I were the ones yelling at my kids constantly because my life was sh***t, would my ex get full custody then? I hope not because we are told that the courts are now gender neutral when it comes to custody arrangements.

This whole victim Schlick is straight out of a narcissists playbook. Who says their ex is “odd looking physically” except for someone with a lot of issues and resentment. Do the work.

Not the poster but I have always said and will continue to say that women who cheat get a pass lol

[Anonymous]

Nearly all second wives I personally know were the AP. Sometimes you just don't get it right the first time around.

Don't rush into having children.

[Anonymous]

There are some truly awful parents on this board. This is about the kids, not about your relationship. All of these, identify the cheater as the bad guy parents are truly the evil the kids need to avoid. It is an ugly bitter look that will make your kids miserable. You both have decided at this point to live separately. That is all your kids need to be told. Anything else is you putting your relationship issues on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

So ya both decided to end the marriage. Keep it simple. Otherwise it devolves to confusing bickering

No. You do not lie about how the marriage ended. You say the cheater decided that they did not want to be married and the cheated on doesn't have a say. It only takes 1 person to end a marriage.

The cheater can explain why they decided to end the marriage.

If the cheated on didn't want to end the marriage they can't say why the marriage ended. What do you want them to say, your parent is a cruel and evil person so we are divorcing.

You don't leave kids with no reason. The reason is one parent decided to not be married and the other parent had no choice in the matter.

And so if the cheating spouse says they ended the marriage because Mommy “didn’t love him” but step mommy/AP loves him, ayou’re fine with that? Because it’s on the cheating spouse to explain? You don’t seem to realize the can of worms you’re opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

I am not talking about burdening children with pain, or being bitter. I am simply talking about being truthful with children.

you said: “They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior.”

So if a 5 year old child cries and says they want mommy and daddy to live together again, what do you suggest the child is told?
Do you want the non-cheating parent to lie to their child?

Nobody is talking about turning the children against the other parent or going nuts and telling children inappropriate details and making them your therapist.

Nobody is talking about raging about the ex in front of the children. There are probably people who do that, but I am talking about answering children’s questions, as you stated, truthfully.

Should children be lied to to cover up a parent’s infidelity?

Five?! Is this a real question??

In case this is real and you have no access to parenting resources— you validate a five year olds emotions, you tell them you know they’re sad and it’s OK to be sad. You tell them that even though mommy and daddy don’t live together and that’s really hard— and sad — child is loved every day.

What in the world do you think you say to a five year old crying?!?? You think saying your father was unfaithful helps them at all??? I hope your ex has custody if this is a real question.

Saying mom AND dad decided they will not live together is not helpful either. You don't have to say "unfaithful" but you can say mom (or whoever the cheater is) has decided she want mom and dad to not live together.

The dad can say "this was not my decision, you mom decided she didn't want to be married anymore."

So ya both decided to end the marriage. Keep it simple. Otherwise it devolves to confusing bickering

No. You do not lie about how the marriage ended. You say the cheater decided that they did not want to be married and the cheated on doesn't have a say. It only takes 1 person to end a marriage.

The cheater can explain why they decided to end the marriage.

If the cheated on didn't want to end the marriage they can't say why the marriage ended. What do you want them to say, your parent is a cruel and evil person so we are divorcing.

You don't leave kids with no reason. The reason is one parent decided to not be married and the other parent had no choice in the matter.

And so if the cheating spouse says they ended the marriage because Mommy “didn’t love him” but step mommy/AP loves him, ayou’re fine with that? Because it’s on the cheating spouse to explain? You don’t seem to realize the can of worms you’re opening.

Sure, I can't control a cheater from lying to my child. They have clearly lied and cheated, you now expect them to be upfront and honest.

As the normal and healthy parent I will say, that's not true mom is lying to you.

Kids of cheaters eventually learn that one parent lies and cheats and the other is the one you can count on and Yes it starts very young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some truly awful parents on this board. This is about the kids, not about your relationship. All of these, identify the cheater as the bad guy parents are truly the evil the kids need to avoid. It is an ugly bitter look that will make your kids miserable. You both have decided at this point to live separately. That is all your kids need to be told. Anything else is you putting your relationship issues on them.

The cheater is the "bad guy" they are a liar and a cheat. It doesn't just show up in one aspect of their lives, it's who they are. Kids will learn this early. They will realize that it has nothing to do with them, you can't control others and their actions come from within themselves .

They don't cheat because the kid was annoying, they cheat because they suck. Kids learn they can't be "better" to get their parent's love because their parent will do what they want no matter how "good" their child is. They can't "earn" their parents love and support, the parent will put themselves 1st no matter what.

They will also see their other parent loves them unconditionally and sacrifice to do for them.