ExDH marrying AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married her AP less than 6 months after my dad moved out. My sister and I were 7 and 11. My dad never spoke a bad word about my mom or my stepdad in front of us. EVER. My stepdad is an incredible man and has been an amazing father to us. I can't tell you how much I respect my father for not putting adult issues onto his kids.

I understand it's painful for you, but you need to leave the kids out of it. All you can do is move forward and hope she's a good stepmother to them. It only hurts the kids if you make things difficult. As difficult as it is, you put on your big girl pants and be the bigger person for the sake of the kids.

Your stepfather broke up a family. he is not an incredible man. This is why people need to share some truth with their kids. It’s a parents job to instill character and proper values. breaking up families is immoral, and there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids so. In fact, you should!

My parents were miserable together. Both of them were happier when the marriage ended. I'm fully aware it's wrong to have an affair. I didn't need people to demonize my mom and stepdad to learn the difference between right and wrong. I think it's f*cked up when parents burden their kids with adult issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married her AP less than 6 months after my dad moved out. My sister and I were 7 and 11. My dad never spoke a bad word about my mom or my stepdad in front of us. EVER. My stepdad is an incredible man and has been an amazing father to us. I can't tell you how much I respect my father for not putting adult issues onto his kids.

I understand it's painful for you, but you need to leave the kids out of it. All you can do is move forward and hope she's a good stepmother to them. It only hurts the kids if you make things difficult. As difficult as it is, you put on your big girl pants and be the bigger person for the sake of the kids.

Your stepfather broke up a family. he is not an incredible man. This is why people need to share some truth with their kids. It’s a parents job to instill character and proper values. breaking up families is immoral, and there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids so. In fact, you should!

+1. Your Dad deserves respect, but it's really weird you don't recognize your SD was not a good guy. I notice you don't mention your mom, so maybe you realize she was the jerk.

You can make a mistake and still be a good person. Life is messy. I was mad about it when I was younger but I worked through it. Harboring resentment wasn't serving a purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women if you stop having sex with your husbands then you are partly responsible for him having an affair

What if it’s a health related “in sickness”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

NP. I really hope to get to this point one day. It helps so much to read stuff like this when you are deeeeeep in the suck.

[Anonymous]

I feel for your kids. Love them and support them. Talk to them and see what they need from you.

Mom, move on. Don’t waste any time thinking about him. Do what is best for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom married her AP less than 6 months after my dad moved out. My sister and I were 7 and 11. My dad never spoke a bad word about my mom or my stepdad in front of us. EVER. My stepdad is an incredible man and has been an amazing father to us. I can't tell you how much I respect my father for not putting adult issues onto his kids.

I understand it's painful for you, but you need to leave the kids out of it. All you can do is move forward and hope she's a good stepmother to them. It only hurts the kids if you make things difficult. As difficult as it is, you put on your big girl pants and be the bigger person for the sake of the kids.

Your stepfather broke up a family. he is not an incredible man. This is why people need to share some truth with their kids. It’s a parents job to instill character and proper values. breaking up families is immoral, and there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids so. In fact, you should!

+1. Your Dad deserves respect, but it's really weird you don't recognize your SD was not a good guy. I notice you don't mention your mom, so maybe you realize she was the jerk.

You can make a mistake and still be a good person. Life is messy. I was mad about it when I was younger but I worked through it. Harboring resentment wasn't serving a purpose.

You are the most mature person in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women if you stop having sex with your husbands then you are partly responsible for him having an affair

What if it’s a health related “in sickness”

Well tell DH he shouldn’t have gained 40lbs and he should stop farting in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

Wow you are a better person than me. I’m proud of you. Not the ending I had hoped for for those shameless jerks.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. My exDW broke our family to be with her AP. I've always wondered what I would do if she came to me and said they were moving in together or getting married.

Our kids are a little older than yours and I have contemplated this thought a lot. The vindictive side of me makes me think that I would blow up their relationship by going public about how they met and cheated on each other's family for a year before breaking up the two families.

But the father in me is guiding me and now the second one of my kids told me that they did not want to spend time with them, I'd lawyer up and go to court for sole custody. Plus in VA, I think at the age of 14 a child can go to court and ask the judge to grant their wish to stay with one parent. Maybe see how it goes and if the child ever mentions that they are not comfortable or don't want to go to their house, then be ready to ask the ex that for the kid's emotional needs, you need the kid to be with you full time and he can have access to them whenever, for dinner/movies/play dates etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. My exDW broke our family to be with her AP. I've always wondered what I would do if she came to me and said they were moving in together or getting married.

Our kids are a little older than yours and I have contemplated this thought a lot. The vindictive side of me makes me think that I would blow up their relationship by going public about how they met and cheated on each other's family for a year before breaking up the two families.

But the father in me is guiding me and now the second one of my kids told me that they did not want to spend time with them, I'd lawyer up and go to court for sole custody. Plus in VA, I think at the age of 14 a child can go to court and ask the judge to grant their wish to stay with one parent. Maybe see how it goes and if the child ever mentions that they are not comfortable or don't want to go to their house, then be ready to ask the ex that for the kid's emotional needs, you need the kid to be with you full time and he can have access to them whenever, for dinner/movies/play dates etc.

I’m the poster up thread whose dad cheated and left for the AP. I’m really sorry that your wife did this to you. But you’re clearly spoiling for a fight and looking for an excuse to keep the kids away from their mom. Don’t do this. I had lots of reservations about spending time with my dad and his new wife and it was hard enough for me without feeling like my mom was just waiting for the opportunity to encourage resistance. Kids need help moving forward in life. You sound like a good dad who is invested in your kids. There is no way around how much this sucks for you and again I’m sorry. But you have to suck it up and be a dad. You don’t force them to spend time at exW and AP’s house, but don’t also pounce the moment they behave like a predictably petulant teen. Focus on finding yourself some adult companionship and energy that you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex moved out and bought a new house. His AP immediately moved in. He immediately introduced her to his friends, our joint friends, and our kids; and started posting love notes to her on social media. I suspect some of those people (not the kids) had already met her. I was humiliated and hurt—not about the divorce but about how he immediately went so public with his AP. I learned about her during the divorce and was shocked when I found out he had already talked about her to our mutual friend. Therapy, a lot of therapy. And a lot of hard work is what it takes. My kids are older, although my youngest was 16 when everything happened, so we didn't deal with custody or any of the things that go with having very young kids. That was a relief. It brought me to the darkest, lowest place that I've ever been in my life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So your 16 year old just opted out of seeing your ex?

No he saw him but we didn't have a formal agreement. He'd text and say he'd like 16 yo to stay with him on a particular week; I'd check with my son to see if it was OK, which he always said yes. It was very informal but worked for us.

I also forgot to add, they are married now and seem to be super in love. My friends who have been around them say they are super lovey-dovey, act like teenagers in love, etc. I think he found his soul mate forever person. It hurts how it all went down, but I've climbed mountains to sort through my feelings and I'm in such a good place now.

How long ago did you separate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get over it and coparent just like you would in any divorce. You guys are no longer married, focus on yourself and finding your own happiness.

This. And don’t turn bitter. Don’t talk badly about her or your DH, or cheating to your kids. Just be neutral. It is in the best interest of your kids to be supportive of whatever relationship and involvement your kids want to have with their dad and new step mom. Regardless of your feelings toward them.