ExDH marrying AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

I never protected and hid what my ex did to me. You have no control over the other person; you can choose to be better or choose to stay in misery, anger, and resentment but that's a miserable place to be. There is no peace or happiness there. Personally, I do not wish to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

You do realize you have zero control over this? You can be manipulative and revengeful; you can play games and put the kids in the middle, but you can't make someone step up, take responsibility for their actions, and be a better parent. You only control yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

You do realize you have zero control over this? You can be manipulative and revengeful; you can play games and put the kids in the middle, but you can't make someone step up, take responsibility for their actions, and be a better parent. You only control yourself.

So your advice is only for the parent who didn’t cheat? They get the burden of being the sole responsible parent. They have to let the cheating parent manipulate the entire family, play games, and lie. Your only recourse is to be the super parent and do all the work? They are wholly responsible for stepping up, being responsible, and creating a life for their children that maintains their innocence while mom or dad has already purposefully taken steps to destroy their entire family. That’s ridiculous.

Telling kids is an age appropriate way the truth about their family isn’t being manipulative. Nor is it playing games.

So if your husband or wife cheats on you and divorces you and marries the ap, your task is to be a better parent because you got cheated on? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Ex didn’t put the kids first. You did. You aren’t responsible for the kid’s relationship with the other parent, that’s their responsibility. You aren’t destroying their relationship with the other parent by simply telling the truth. In fact, the other parent is forcing you to lie for them and manipulates everyone into letting them do whatever they want and everyone must smile and pretend it didn’t happen. That’s so healthy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

They don’t get a “pass”. Once the children are old enough to ask questions, you can tell the truth in an age appropriate way that doesn’t make the children bear the burden of their parents behavior. Not destroying your children’s innocence at young ages is not giving their parent a “pass”. Your kids will decide what impact their parents behavior should have on their long term adult relationship with their parent.

The children are already bearing the burden of their parents’s behavior.

The parent who cheated destroyed the children’s innocence.

Ok. Behave like a bitter aggrieved adult and burden your children with your pain. Sink to the level of the cheating spouse in your rage. Your kids will wind up alienated from both of you— then it will be fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A year and a half ago I was blindsided by my exDH’s affair. He is now about to move in with and marry his AP. We have two kids 8 and 10. The thought of this woman being their stepmother makes me feel horrible. if you’ve been through something like this, how did you get through?

I ran into My friends cheating ex hubby the other day picking my kids up from camp and he was just bragging how this year he and his AP get to spend 4th of July together “because we’ve never been able to spend it together” . You STOOOOOOPID RAT FACED BALD CRETIN every last Fourth of July your dumb ass was married to my friend and mother of your kids!!!! Wtf!
I think he will marry this woman.
My friend has the best attitude just focused on well being of the kids and she knows bald rat faced cretin will cheat again and make AP miserable the way he does everyone. It’s sad.
You love your BEST LIFE OP and remember living well is its own reward!! Let your kids see you thriving and be unbothered! If she is a good step
Mom then that will help you too by helping your beloved kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

Why does the parent who cheated get a pass for cheating and causing an event that is horrendously destructive to their family and children? Why does your advice “grow up and be a parent” not apply to them as well?

“It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent.”

Would that include not cheating on your spouse? How is sneaking around and having an intimate relationship with a person who is not your marriage partner being a responsible parent? Is it in the kids best interest to do that?

You do realize you have zero control over this? You can be manipulative and revengeful; you can play games and put the kids in the middle, but you can't make someone step up, take responsibility for their actions, and be a better parent. You only control yourself.

So your advice is only for the parent who didn’t cheat? They get the burden of being the sole responsible parent. They have to let the cheating parent manipulate the entire family, play games, and lie. Your only recourse is to be the super parent and do all the work? They are wholly responsible for stepping up, being responsible, and creating a life for their children that maintains their innocence while mom or dad has already purposefully taken steps to destroy their entire family. That’s ridiculous.

Telling kids is an age appropriate way the truth about their family isn’t being manipulative. Nor is it playing games.

So if your husband or wife cheats on you and divorces you and marries the ap, your task is to be a better parent because you got cheated on? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Ex didn’t put the kids first. You did. You aren’t responsible for the kid’s relationship with the other parent, that’s their responsibility. You aren’t destroying their relationship with the other parent by simply telling the truth. In fact, the other parent is forcing you to lie for them and manipulates everyone into letting them do whatever they want and everyone must smile and pretend it didn’t happen. That’s so healthy!

New poster

The parent who didn’t cheat is the mature one, seeking advice on DCUM. advice for the Parent cheating (or wanting to cheat) would be: show some respect, Do Not cheat, don't break up your family, Don’t ruin your kids lives, don’t be selfish. Etc.

But the betrayed spouse is seeking advice here. You can only control what you can. To leave your kids as collateral damage toget back at your exDH may make sense in the moment but could likely scar them for life. D all future relationships with significant others and their father and and possibly you too

[Anonymous]

Op, you are in a rough patch. Very sorry about the betrayal happening to you. It’s all consuming, devastating, and humiliating. Your kids will see your Ex for what they did as they age up. It’s awful. They will see the stepmom as a scumbag.

[Anonymous]

That sucks op, just take it one day at a time. Realistically people who cheat are not that stable, and when the going gets tough they will likely find things too hard to take. From what I’ve seen the dads then spiral and the kids stop wanting to be around them, and actually you will wish he had any partner and just wasn’t a mess so he could be a better dad. But for now, focus on yourself and your kids, getting your life back up

[Anonymous]

My ex wife cheated and we are now divorced. What surprised me most after I filed for divorce was her unusually high confidence that she would be able to attract men very easily. 5 years later she may have gone through at least 5 boyfriends, incredibly depressed and bitter, sad looking, old, odd looking physically. I have tried a couple of times to get full custody of my kids but failed. I wanted full custody because my kids didn't want to stay with her because her depressive behavior was making their time at her place hell yelling for everything complaint for everything. That's the only part I am sad about that my kids sadly have to spend 50% of their time with her. Unfortunately family courts are very reluctant to give full custody unless there is some kind of daily physical abuse I guess. Sometimes I wonder if there is a gender component at play, what if I were the ones yelling at my kids constantly because my life was sh***t, would my ex get full custody then? I hope not because we are told that the courts are now gender neutral when it comes to custody arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A year and a half ago I was blindsided by my exDH’s affair. He is now about to move in with and marry his AP. We have two kids 8 and 10. The thought of this woman being their stepmother makes me feel horrible. if you’ve been through something like this, how did you get through?

You get through it by being a wonderful actress. Your role is loving Mother to your children, which includes self-sacrifice. You talk up the AP and try and make things as comfortable as possible for your traumatized children. You text her thanks when she does something nice for your kids. You suck it up and move on, get therapy if this seems impossible. These forums are filled with stories of selfish divorced parents and the lasting impact it had on now adults. Life isn’t fair, there is not necessarily going to be some sweet Karmic retribution. Kids don’t learn later about affairs and hate the cheating parent- they follow your emotional lead every step of the way.

Pretty much this, OP. I've been through it and I'd suggest getting yourself some support, a therapy group helped me more than individual. The kids will likely benefit from therapy too. It is not a situation you or your kids got to pick. What is your schedule? Ours is 50/50. My ex and AP are still married. Just keep doing the best you can for your kids. The feeling of loss of control was hard, for the kids too, I had to work hard on coping skills so I could model them. It's not a natural situation but with court ordered shared time, work on radical acceptance and making a good life at your home and smoothing co-parenting. My kids were a little younger, you have to make this situation work for them for a long time to come, be at school events and sports, etc. together, then graduations and weddings. You will get through this. I'm sorry you have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it on the victim to be the better person? What about the guy who cheated? He was certainly not the better person. Why should his shitry actions be hidden and protected? And certainly the other woman has no right not to be bad mouthed.
Depending on kids ages I think it’s ok to be honest about how this couple met and that you are hurt by their relationship.

It is on the parent to be a responsible parent with the kids' best interest in mind no matter what has happened to the parent. There is no need to hide anything, but it would be horrendously destructive for you to speak poorly of your childrens' other parent in front of them. Grow up and be a parent.

This. The kids are literally ordered by a court to spend a likely 50% of their childhood there. Have some emotional and generational boundaries and don't weaponize your kids to their detriment. FFS. It's hard enough on them to have to adjust to a new home, to shuttling back and forth, to there being less $, etc. They are not responsible for what happened, why deliberately cause harm to them. Anyone considering doing so, seek help.