ExDH marrying AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re divorced. Stop letting him live rent free in your head.

Odds are this marriage won’t last.

+1. Most humans think about the very short term. We are driven by instant gratification because the future is always scary and unpredictable. Relationships that started on a LIE do not last. Even if they did, they are just weird. I know a married couple whose relationship started as affair but there is something odd about them. I have known the woman for 20 years. But since she married her AP 5 years ago she just doesnt look and act the same. She looks depressed, she drinks more, and she aged so much

[Anonymous]

It’s a sucky, unfair situation to be sure. But like others said, their life isn’t as perfect as it seems. My ex is still with his affair partner, but our older son wants nothing to do with them. My ex’s family still considers me their daughter and visits me regularly, has even invited me on vacations with them post divorce. I can’t imagine how awkward it must be for my ex’s affair partner,,but that’s what she signed up for.


OP here. Do you have a new partner now? If so, do you bring them around your ex-in-laws?

I do have a new partner, but my kids haven’t even met him. I have zero interest in cohabiting or blending families until my kids are out of the house, and same for my partner (also has kids about the same age). The divorce and blended family on my ex’s side was just too damaging to my kids…. My older son feels like his dad chose his AP and her much younger kids over him, and he’s been struggling with anger about it for years now.

My ex in laws know that I am dating and they are excited about it and always ask to meet him, but they respect my choices given my kids’ situation.

My ex MIL is usually ends up in tears when she brings up her son, and has been trying to apologize for him ever since it happened, saying that she didn’t raise him this way and that she feels like it’s her fault she didn’t raise him with more integrity. I always reassure her that it has nothing to do with her, that I’ve forgiven him and moved on and she should, too.

Forgiveness does not mean friendship. I only communicate with my ex about logistics related to the kids. Nothing else, ever. It’s worked for us, in that we are very effective coparents and can totally be at events together and such with zero drama.

His AP seems afraid of me. Not sure why, and I also dont really care. The few times I have seen her since discovering the affair years ago, she’s high-tailed it in the other direction. Meh. Whatever. I don’t blame her or have anger toward her. She’s nice to my kids as far as I can tell, and that’s all I really care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s a sucky, unfair situation to be sure. But like others said, their life isn’t as perfect as it seems. My ex is still with his affair partner, but our older son wants nothing to do with them. My ex’s family still considers me their daughter and visits me regularly, has even invited me on vacations with them post divorce. I can’t imagine how awkward it must be for my ex’s affair partner,,but that’s what she signed up for.


OP here. Do you have a new partner now? If so, do you bring them around your ex-in-laws?

I do have a new partner, but my kids haven’t even met him. I have zero interest in cohabiting or blending families until my kids are out of the house, and same for my partner (also has kids about the same age). The divorce and blended family on my ex’s side was just too damaging to my kids…. My older son feels like his dad chose his AP and her much younger kids over him, and he’s been struggling with anger about it for years now.

My ex in laws know that I am dating and they are excited about it and always ask to meet him, but they respect my choices given my kids’ situation.

My ex MIL is usually ends up in tears when she brings up her son, and has been trying to apologize for him ever since it happened, saying that she didn’t raise him this way and that she feels like it’s her fault she didn’t raise him with more integrity. I always reassure her that it has nothing to do with her, that I’ve forgiven him and moved on and she should, too.

Forgiveness does not mean friendship. I only communicate with my ex about logistics related to the kids. Nothing else, ever. It’s worked for us, in that we are very effective coparents and can totally be at events together and such with zero drama.

His AP seems afraid of me. Not sure why, and I also dont really care. The few times I have seen her since discovering the affair years ago, she’s high-tailed it in the other direction. Meh. Whatever. I don’t blame her or have anger toward her. She’s nice to my kids as far as I can tell, and that’s all I really care about.

I am in a similar situation. My teen son 14 hates his mother down the same reason. However I try to provide him stability on my side and so far it is working.

[Anonymous]

Keep your head up high and focus on your kids well-being. Don’t trash talk the other parties. Take care of yourself. You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s a sucky, unfair situation to be sure. But like others said, their life isn’t as perfect as it seems. My ex is still with his affair partner, but our older son wants nothing to do with them. My ex’s family still considers me their daughter and visits me regularly, has even invited me on vacations with them post divorce. I can’t imagine how awkward it must be for my ex’s affair partner,,but that’s what she signed up for.


OP here. Do you have a new partner now? If so, do you bring them around your ex-in-laws?

I do have a new partner, but my kids haven’t even met him. I have zero interest in cohabiting or blending families until my kids are out of the house, and same for my partner (also has kids about the same age). The divorce and blended family on my ex’s side was just too damaging to my kids…. My older son feels like his dad chose his AP and her much younger kids over him, and he’s been struggling with anger about it for years now.

My ex in laws know that I am dating and they are excited about it and always ask to meet him, but they respect my choices given my kids’ situation.

My ex MIL is usually ends up in tears when she brings up her son, and has been trying to apologize for him ever since it happened, saying that she didn’t raise him this way and that she feels like it’s her fault she didn’t raise him with more integrity. I always reassure her that it has nothing to do with her, that I’ve forgiven him and moved on and she should, too.

Forgiveness does not mean friendship. I only communicate with my ex about logistics related to the kids. Nothing else, ever. It’s worked for us, in that we are very effective coparents and can totally be at events together and such with zero drama.

His AP seems afraid of me. Not sure why, and I also dont really care. The few times I have seen her since discovering the affair years ago, she’s high-tailed it in the other direction. Meh. Whatever. I don’t blame her or have anger toward her. She’s nice to my kids as far as I can tell, and that’s all I really care about.

PP. I REALLY appreciate you sharing your experience.

So it sounds like you are able to pretty much completely avoid the AP? There are no joint birthday parties or attending school events together?

[Anonymous]

Women if you stop having sex with your husbands then you are partly responsible for him having an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women if you stop having sex with your husbands then you are partly responsible for him having an affair

I thought it was the opposite. Aren't men the ones picking sexually sooner than women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women if you stop having sex with your husbands then you are partly responsible for him having an affair

Troll

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. I would have a hard time not bad mouthing them and hoping they wind up miserable.

This isn’t in the same ballpark and I don’t want to minimize your own experience… but it was a very painful betrayal. My ex who cheated on me and was emotionally abusive during marriage and after the divorce, is now dating a woman I was close friends with and who knew I actively avoided him and how he treated me and that I was afraid of him. She took his side which after abuse is re-traumatizing. She was just that desperate for a man and he was that manipulative. And no we are no longer friends after she chose him.

My kids hate her (for now) but it makes me sick to think one day she could be around them. My ex of course is trying to convince them she is a good person. It hate that someone benefits from my pain. So yeah the AP benefits from you losing your family. The injustice is too much. And anyone who has been abused or cheated on worried the new woman won’t experience the shitty treatment and it was a reflection of us.

He plays the victim because I left him — but conveniently leaves out the horrible treatment that led me to leave.

I’m trying to focus on all the good in my life but OP I get it it’s hard. Time and minimal contact will hopefully work tbeir magic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. I would have a hard time not bad mouthing them and hoping they wind up miserable.

This isn’t in the same ballpark and I don’t want to minimize your own experience… but it was a very painful betrayal. My ex who cheated on me and was emotionally abusive during marriage and after the divorce, is now dating a woman I was close friends with and who knew I actively avoided him and how he treated me and that I was afraid of him. She took his side which after abuse is re-traumatizing. She was just that desperate for a man and he was that manipulative. And no we are no longer friends after she chose him.

My kids hate her (for now) but it makes me sick to think one day she could be around them. My ex of course is trying to convince them she is a good person. It hate that someone benefits from my pain. So yeah the AP benefits from you losing your family. The injustice is too much. And anyone who has been abused or cheated on worried the new woman won’t experience the shitty treatment and it was a reflection of us.

He plays the victim because I left him — but conveniently leaves out the horrible treatment that led me to leave.

I’m trying to focus on all the good in my life but OP I get it it’s hard. Time and minimal contact will hopefully work tbeir magic.

I am sorry. Men rarely do this to their friends. We actually respect them. this is one area I find women to be rather cruel.

[Anonymous]

PP. I REALLY appreciate you sharing your experience.

So it sounds like you are able to pretty much completely avoid the AP? There are no joint birthday parties or attending school events together?

When the kids were younger when we first separated, we did joint birthday parties but she never came. I put in the divorce agreement that for joint events related to the kids, BOTH parties had to approve all adults on the guest list. It’s never been an issue.

For the last 3-4 years, since the kids have been teenagers, they haven’t wanted family birthday parties anyway, so it hasn’t come up again.

The last time I ever spoke to her was several years before I learned of the affair, when I knew her as my husband’s admin assistant. I have seen her at events, like a school football game she might be in the stands with my ex. But we don’t sit together, and the few times I’ve talked to my ex when she was at the same event she runs off.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been a picnic. I had to put my foot down hard when she moved into my neighborhood, a few blocks from my house while we were still in marriage counseling. I put into the divorce agreement that if we ever saw her or her kids at the neighborhood pool or the kids afterschool program, my ex would pay for a pool pass for us at a pool of my choosing and would cover the cost of putting the kids in a new after school program of my choosing.

Thankfully he got the message and they gave us our space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A year and a half ago I was blindsided by my exDH’s affair. He is now about to move in with and marry his AP. We have two kids 8 and 10. The thought of this woman being their stepmother makes me feel horrible. if you’ve been through something like this, how did you get through?

Sorry OP unfortunately all you can do is hope that she is a good step mother. I heard from a colleague that another colleague had an affair with a married man and the guy left his wife for her. I always hear about these stories but never met anyone who went through it. Some people really have gut. How can you wreck lives this way and still live a normal life?

I have a distant cousin who went thru men like tissues and a single mom. She was the nanny for a couple and had an affair with the husband and then pregnant. The husband left the wife for my distant cousin. They're stil together.

I do not want to make it a gendered issue but it seems to me like women are more likely to shamefully go after a married man and if she can has no problem taking that husband away from his wife. Of course the man isn't innocent but I don't know women just seem fine wrecking another woman's life for her own happiness.

I agree with you. I don't get why we always act like only the married one is the problem. Just because you're unmarried, doesn't make you less guilty of destroying lives. If you're knowingly involved with someone who is married, you're just as guilty of wrecking a home as the married spouse.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of women are competitive and view a married man as a prize if they can lure him from his wife. And many women are super desperate for attention and for a man so will do almost anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. I would have a hard time not bad mouthing them and hoping they wind up miserable.

This isn’t in the same ballpark and I don’t want to minimize your own experience… but it was a very painful betrayal. My ex who cheated on me and was emotionally abusive during marriage and after the divorce, is now dating a woman I was close friends with and who knew I actively avoided him and how he treated me and that I was afraid of him. She took his side which after abuse is re-traumatizing. She was just that desperate for a man and he was that manipulative. And no we are no longer friends after she chose him.

My kids hate her (for now) but it makes me sick to think one day she could be around them. My ex of course is trying to convince them she is a good person. It hate that someone benefits from my pain. So yeah the AP benefits from you losing your family. The injustice is too much. And anyone who has been abused or cheated on worried the new woman won’t experience the shitty treatment and it was a reflection of us.

He plays the victim because I left him — but conveniently leaves out the horrible treatment that led me to leave.

I’m trying to focus on all the good in my life but OP I get it it’s hard. Time and minimal contact will hopefully work tbeir magic.

Eeew. What a skank. Sounds like a new match made in heaven. I hope you rebuild a great life of your own.

[Anonymous]

My exH left and immediately moved in with his AP so he was with her throughout our divorce, which took about a year. I assumed they'd marry because they were so determined to be together, but once he was all hers it was just a matter of time before it all imploded. They lasted about two years after our divorce was finalized.

It may last w/your ex, it may not. Only time will tell. The worst part is putting the kids throughout the drama. Wrecking your family for a 2-3 year relationship is insane.