ExDH marrying AP

[Anonymous]

It’s a sucky, unfair situation to be sure. But like others said, their life isn’t as perfect as it seems. My ex is still with his affair partner, but our older son wants nothing to do with them. My ex’s family still considers me their daughter and visits me regularly, has even invited me on vacations with them post divorce. I can’t imagine how awkward it must be for my ex’s affair partner,,but that’s what she signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sucky, unfair situation to be sure. But like others said, their life isn’t as perfect as it seems. My ex is still with his affair partner, but our older son wants nothing to do with them. My ex’s family still considers me their daughter and visits me regularly, has even invited me on vacations with them post divorce. I can’t imagine how awkward it must be for my ex’s affair partner,,but that’s what she signed up for.

OP here. Do you have a new partner now? If so, do you bring them around your ex-in-laws?

[Anonymous]

My sister went through this. A 10 year marriage with 1 child ended after her husband kept getting drunk and asking for a postnup. He pushed for a quick divorce and gave her whatever she wanted and he ended up marrying his brother’s 24 year old nanny 6 months later. She didn’t know about the affair. She didn’t think it would last but they now have 3 kids under 5 and the new wife benefited financially as his business is now mature where my sister married him and he was just starting out. My sister got off social media so she wouldn’t have to see them and when their son who is 10 years older then their oldest goes over to their house they only communicate through text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A year and a half ago I was blindsided by my exDH’s affair. He is now about to move in with and marry his AP. We have two kids 8 and 10. The thought of this woman being their stepmother makes me feel horrible. if you’ve been through something like this, how did you get through?

You get through it by being a wonderful actress. Your role is loving Mother to your children, which includes self-sacrifice. You talk up the AP and try and make things as comfortable as possible for your traumatized children. You text her thanks when she does something nice for your kids. You suck it up and move on, get therapy if this seems impossible. These forums are filled with stories of selfish divorced parents and the lasting impact it had on now adults. Life isn’t fair, there is not necessarily going to be some sweet Karmic retribution. Kids don’t learn later about affairs and hate the cheating parent- they follow your emotional lead every step of the way.

How many people actually do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister went through this. A 10 year marriage with 1 child ended after her husband kept getting drunk and asking for a postnup. He pushed for a quick divorce and gave her whatever she wanted and he ended up marrying his brother’s 24 year old nanny 6 months later. She didn’t know about the affair. She didn’t think it would last but they now have 3 kids under 5 and the new wife benefited financially as his business is now mature where my sister married him and he was just starting out. My sister got off social media so she wouldn’t have to see them and when their son who is 10 years older then their oldest goes over to their house they only communicate through text.

One of my best friends from school had a sad who did this. She and her sister stayed with there mom, who is amazing. There mom never spoke badly about her ex, their dad. My friend and her sister now have two step brothers they are very close to. The other woman became part of the family. It was no doubt absolutely awful for my friend’s mom (who did later find love but he passed away way too young). My friend and her sister both got married and had kids with men who were not marriage material and are now finally both with really awesome people. Life can be very strange.

[Anonymous]

*dad, not sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A year and a half ago I was blindsided by my exDH’s affair. He is now about to move in with and marry his AP. We have two kids 8 and 10. The thought of this woman being their stepmother makes me feel horrible. if you’ve been through something like this, how did you get through?

You get through it by being a wonderful actress. Your role is loving Mother to your children, which includes self-sacrifice. You talk up the AP and try and make things as comfortable as possible for your traumatized children. You text her thanks when she does something nice for your kids. You suck it up and move on, get therapy if this seems impossible. These forums are filled with stories of selfish divorced parents and the lasting impact it had on now adults. Life isn’t fair, there is not necessarily going to be some sweet Karmic retribution. Kids don’t learn later about affairs and hate the cheating parent- they follow your emotional lead every step of the way.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100% custody. Kids not interested in spending time with dad with her in the picture, though I forced it a few times, they got to an age where there was no forcing anymore.

Yeah sorry most parents get fifty fifty. You don’t get one hundred percent custody just because you were cheated on. Sorry to disappoint you

You can once they turn a certain age and refuse to go.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my son’s best friend.

He hated being there and just stayed in his room playing video games. We’d invite him over for sleep overs to get him out of the situation.

The dad died recently and he left the house to his son and the AP had to move out because my son’s friend forced sale on the house and she couldn’t afford to buy it. Lol.

[Anonymous]

If you are struggling seek therapy. It will absolutely help you deal with these feelings.

[Anonymous]

This is a horrible situation, OP, I’m sorry. I’d suggest therapy for you and the kids bc this is a pretty tough thing to just “get over,” and completely normal for you and the kids to have strong feelings. I completely disagree w/ pp who told you to suck it up and act like everything is fine. You aren’t a doormat and kids completely see through that BS. Given the situation, I suspect your ex is a narcissist, so there’s likely other things that need to be worked through to help you and the kids deal with him moving forward.

My dad did this same thing but the AP was also my teacher, which added a whole other level to the disaster he made of many lives.

Very sorry you and your kids are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get over it and coparent just like you would in any divorce. You guys are no longer married, focus on yourself and finding your own happiness.

This. She needs to be a good stepmom. It what’s best for the kids, who are still little. It’s still tough and you have my sympathy. Do your best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A year and a half ago I was blindsided by my exDH’s affair. He is now about to move in with and marry his AP. We have two kids 8 and 10. The thought of this woman being their stepmother makes me feel horrible. if you’ve been through something like this, how did you get through?

You get through it by being a wonderful actress. Your role is loving Mother to your children, which includes self-sacrifice. You talk up the AP and try and make things as comfortable as possible for your traumatized children. You text her thanks when she does something nice for your kids. You suck it up and move on, get therapy if this seems impossible. These forums are filled with stories of selfish divorced parents and the lasting impact it had on now adults. Life isn’t fair, there is not necessarily going to be some sweet Karmic retribution. Kids don’t learn later about affairs and hate the cheating parent- they follow your emotional lead every step of the way.

How many people actually do this?

We are out here. And I would not even call it acting because I held my husband 100% responsible for what he did. Not the AP. And, very often I was glad that she was around because she was a more present adult than my ex. Any adult who cares for my kid and looks out for him is someone I appreciate.

Operating in the best interest of my kid took a lot of effort and was so worth it. He’s 20 now and a great human being with resilience and joy.

Calm is a superpower. Figuring out how to regulate yourself in all these difficult situations will serve you well as a person, especially as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A year and a half ago I was blindsided by my exDH’s affair. He is now about to move in with and marry his AP. We have two kids 8 and 10. The thought of this woman being their stepmother makes me feel horrible. if you’ve been through something like this, how did you get through?

Sorry OP unfortunately all you can do is hope that she is a good step mother. I heard from a colleague that another colleague had an affair with a married man and the guy left his wife for her. I always hear about these stories but never met anyone who went through it. Some people really have gut. How can you wreck lives this way and still live a normal life?

I have a distant cousin who went thru men like tissues and a single mom. She was the nanny for a couple and had an affair with the husband and then pregnant. The husband left the wife for my distant cousin. They're stil together.

I do not want to make it a gendered issue but it seems to me like women are more likely to shamefully go after a married man and if she can has no problem taking that husband away from his wife. Of course the man isn't innocent but I don't know women just seem fine wrecking another woman's life for her own happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100% custody. Kids not interested in spending time with dad with her in the picture, though I forced it a few times, they got to an age where there was no forcing anymore.

Yeah sorry most parents get fifty fifty. You don’t get one hundred percent custody just because you were cheated on. Sorry to disappoint you

You can once they turn a certain age and refuse to go.

I can't back up this claim but heard that kids that are 15 or 16 can petition the court if they do not want to live with one of the parent.