Are single people in their thirties really the “undesirables”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think marrying too early is a bad idea...you don't really know yourself in your 20s. Marrying in your 30s (women) and 30s early 40s (men) in DC area or any metropolitan area is fine. I didn't get married until 39...hubs is a few years older.

A norm around getting married that late is one with fewer kids, a lot more infertility/birth defects, and kids barely meeting their grandparents. Both extended adolescence and this idea that you should have yourself entirely figured out before getting married, as opposed to continuing to do that work within your marriage, are choices that cultures make. And not good ones. If you don't have yourself together enough to make a commitment until you're much older than is optimal for having kids -- well, that happens sometimes, but it's something to aspire to.

You seem obsessed with kids. Many of us have a life and don’t define ourselves by our children or motherhood.

That's such a narcissistic frame to see this. "How you define yourself"? Think about what kind of culture you want to live in and work toward it. If that culture is one where people like you don't reproduce because it's so important that you spend your 20s and 30s figuring out who you are, then have at it.

That's exactly the culture I want for my daughter. I want her to be independent and make her own decisions, rather than feeling pressured to settle down early like I was. I'd rather she be happy than have a certain # of kids.

Are there really people out there who just want their children to get married and reproduce as young as possible? What about their happiness? This totally boggles my mind...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think marrying too early is a bad idea...you don't really know yourself in your 20s. Marrying in your 30s (women) and 30s early 40s (men) in DC area or any metropolitan area is fine. I didn't get married until 39...hubs is a few years older.

A norm around getting married that late is one with fewer kids, a lot more infertility/birth defects, and kids barely meeting their grandparents. Both extended adolescence and this idea that you should have yourself entirely figured out before getting married, as opposed to continuing to do that work within your marriage, are choices that cultures make. And not good ones. If you don't have yourself together enough to make a commitment until you're much older than is optimal for having kids -- well, that happens sometimes, but it's something to aspire to.

You seem obsessed with kids. Many of us have a life and don’t define ourselves by our children or motherhood.

That's such a narcissistic frame to see this. "How you define yourself"? Think about what kind of culture you want to live in and work toward it. If that culture is one where people like you don't reproduce because it's so important that you spend your 20s and 30s figuring out who you are, then have at it.

That's exactly the culture I want for my daughter. I want her to be independent and make her own decisions, rather than feeling pressured to settle down early like I was. I'd rather she be happy than have a certain # of kids.

Are there really people out there who just want their children to get married and reproduce as young as possible? What about their happiness? This totally boggles my mind...

+1. Is PP 70+? Their thinking is so archaic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think marrying too early is a bad idea...you don't really know yourself in your 20s. Marrying in your 30s (women) and 30s early 40s (men) in DC area or any metropolitan area is fine. I didn't get married until 39...hubs is a few years older.

A norm around getting married that late is one with fewer kids, a lot more infertility/birth defects, and kids barely meeting their grandparents. Both extended adolescence and this idea that you should have yourself entirely figured out before getting married, as opposed to continuing to do that work within your marriage, are choices that cultures make. And not good ones. If you don't have yourself together enough to make a commitment until you're much older than is optimal for having kids -- well, that happens sometimes, but it's something to aspire to.

You seem obsessed with kids. Many of us have a life and don’t define ourselves by our children or motherhood.

That's such a narcissistic frame to see this. "How you define yourself"? Think about what kind of culture you want to live in and work toward it. If that culture is one where people like you don't reproduce because it's so important that you spend your 20s and 30s figuring out who you are, then have at it.

That's exactly the culture I want for my daughter. I want her to be independent and make her own decisions, rather than feeling pressured to settle down early like I was. I'd rather she be happy than have a certain # of kids.

Are there really people out there who just want their children to get married and reproduce as young as possible? What about their happiness? This totally boggles my mind...

+1. Is PP 70+? Their thinking is so archaic.

Brunch hating poster is an incel. He describes the world based on a show that went off the air 15+ years ago. You can always tell these guys don't have any women in their life because their only reference to what "women do" is based on an old TV show. He yearns for the time when women were forced to be dependent on men and when he didn't have to compete in the workforce with women who are better than him. So he spends his time online trying to scare women, except he doesn't get that we're women and know women so his tales of woe based on an old show doesn't really scare us.

Maybe he could lose his virginity if women were scared to settle down ASAP. Oh well, another man born in the wrong decade who simply can't adapt.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman. I think 23 is the right age to get married. I had my college degree. I'm 30 now with more than 2 kids.

Yes, we weren't completely financially stable for a few years, but we are now.

Meanwhile we were able to have as many kids as we wanted, all born healthy, enjoy our youth together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One poster here seems really freaked out by brunches.

I was just thinking that! What is it about brunches that triggers that poster so bad?

Show us on the doll where the smoked salmon hurt you...

Remain mindful of all the amazing smoked salmon, bellinis, and eggs benedicts you enjoyed on the way to your fertility doctor in your 30s. Life of leisure and hookup culture in your 20s was so worth it!

That’s right! You should forego traveling, kissing other people, sleeping in and generally advancing your career so you can be married at 22, prego while your friends are out doing fun stuff and generally sitting home in the suburbs in your 20’s. You need to live like it’s 1950 to be a real person.

Do you...know that you can travel, sleep in, advance your career, and have fun while you're married? Is that the issue here? You can even have fun with kids. Really. And you don't have to move to the suburbs, ever, if you don't want to. The idea that getting married and having kids before you're middle-aged is "living like it's 1950" is a very odd perspective.

Tell it to the men. You could be a pretty, educated (non religious, because this skews things) 23 year old and go out on 10 dates in DC or NYC with men under 30 and pretty much every one of them is going to run out the door like their hair is on fire and promptly lose your number the second you vocalize something like wanting to be married and having kids in the next few years. I don't understand why the onus is always put on women when it is VERY clear in the 20-something dating world that most high quality men have zero desire to settle down before 30 or close to it.

Pp. I got married at 23. I was very clear with every guy by the third date that the goal was marriage. 15 guys said no. Husband #16. We're very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think marrying too early is a bad idea...you don't really know yourself in your 20s. Marrying in your 30s (women) and 30s early 40s (men) in DC area or any metropolitan area is fine. I didn't get married until 39...hubs is a few years older.

A norm around getting married that late is one with fewer kids, a lot more infertility/birth defects, and kids barely meeting their grandparents. Both extended adolescence and this idea that you should have yourself entirely figured out before getting married, as opposed to continuing to do that work within your marriage, are choices that cultures make. And not good ones. If you don't have yourself together enough to make a commitment until you're much older than is optimal for having kids -- well, that happens sometimes, but it's something to aspire to.

You seem obsessed with kids. Many of us have a life and don’t define ourselves by our children or motherhood.

That's such a narcissistic frame to see this. "How you define yourself"? Think about what kind of culture you want to live in and work toward it. If that culture is one where people like you don't reproduce because it's so important that you spend your 20s and 30s figuring out who you are, then have at it.

That's exactly the culture I want for my daughter. I want her to be independent and make her own decisions, rather than feeling pressured to settle down early like I was. I'd rather she be happy than have a certain # of kids.

Are there really people out there who just want their children to get married and reproduce as young as possible? What about their happiness? This totally boggles my mind...

Absolutely not as young as possible. I want my kids - and that includes my son- to make decisions that'll make them both happy and productive, and I think making schooling, career, and romantic decisions that are less likely to leave you with a smaller family size than you'd like is more likely to make you happy. It's not desired family size that's taking a dive lately, it's actual family size, as the gap between the two grows. And I see that all around me, with friends (again, including men) who wanted families and are struggling to make that happen. They thought a lot about their career trajectories - which is fine- and they assumed the personal life they wanted would just happen. It's better to be intentional about all of it.

[Anonymous]

I went down the list of current posts in this forum. Page after page of dysfunctional marriages, unhappy parents, and selfish idiots. Yet it's the people who wisely opt out of settling for a hot mess who are undesirable. Okay.

Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920467.page

Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/919989.page

If your spouse has mental health issues that are not fully controlled
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/915424.page

I need a break
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920347.page

Anyone have a DH that’s just combative all the time?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920420.page

Husband insisted on having dinner at in-laws even though I was unwell
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920414.page

s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/919372.page

Are single people in their thirties really the “undesirables”?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/919612.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went down the list of current posts in this forum. Page after page of dysfunctional marriages, unhappy parents, and selfish idiots. Yet it's the people who wisely opt out of settling for a hot mess who are undesirable. Okay.

Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920467.page

Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/919989.page

If your spouse has mental health issues that are not fully controlled
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/915424.page

I need a break
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920347.page

Anyone have a DH that’s just combative all the time?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920420.page

Husband insisted on having dinner at in-laws even though I was unwell
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/920414.page

s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/919372.page

Are single people in their thirties really the “undesirables”?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/919612.page

People don't brag about good marriages. They only complain about bad ones

[Anonymous]

Thats like saying look at all the issues people have with kids - why have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By late 30s/early 40s, a lack of any long term relationship is a big red flag. I know a few people like this and there is definitely something wrong with them.

Such as?

Major/obvious psychological issues or personality disorders.

[Anonymous]

There are as many undesirable singles in their 30s and older as there are married people in the same age range. Just because someone is single doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with them---I've known and awful lot of hot messes that managed to get married when they shouldn't have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman. I think 23 is the right age to get married. I had my college degree. I'm 30 now with more than 2 kids.

Yes, we weren't completely financially stable for a few years, but we are now.

Meanwhile we were able to have as many kids as we wanted, all born healthy, enjoy our youth together.

Way too young for most people. They will be completely different people in 10 years and may be very unhappy with their choice. Plus, you will miss out on your youth and have a midlife crisis at 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got fell in love and got married at 25 and I grew up in this area, and we both have good careers.

What I've seen are some who aren't married by their 30s fall into traps of staying in long relationships (including live in) and the man never proposes. Not smart to do "live in" relationships, from what I've seen, if you want marriage and kids in your future as a woman.

And/or, they have a "checklist" that is really transparent and off putting to men (trying to get a high earner, etc).

You're confusing correlation and causation. The women you see in these sad arrangements with immature low-status men are in the (as OP put it) "undesirable" bucket. They take what they can get.

I’m so sorry that only one desperate guy found you pretty and interesting, even when you were young, and that no one else ever did, and that the result of years of that bitterness means a fixation on IVF and mixed drinks.

+1. Another smug young bride acting like she did life better because some horny young guy wanted to get laid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but a lot of divorced moms in their 30s like to pretend they're somehow better off.

They probably are better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, people who marry in their 30s are more likely to stay married and report greater marital happiness than people who marry in their 20s.

\.

Not true.

https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long/

Divorce rates are higher if you marry over 32.