Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out

[Anonymous]

I see TONS of posts like this all over these boards. There's one right now on the parenting board written by a poor BigLaw attorney with a toddler and baby who is working herself into an early grave doing everything for everybody by herself. Her husband is supposed to be the primary caregiver right now but he's not doing a good job. He can't even take the two kids to the grocery store. He doesn't do chores around the house because "he's not good at them." I swear, I am not picking on this woman, she is just the most recent example of this type of thing that I've seen but it's all day every day on here.

Here's what I don't get. If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things, I'd (politely)* point this out to him and ask him to go back and get the right things. If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job, I'd ask him to do it again and get the spots he missed. if he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home for me to watch and work at the same time, I'd ask him if he was out of his mind.

Do these women not do this? Am I some crazy bitch? Early on in our marriage, we had some of this back and forth ^ but I was able to train him into a better husband. Yes, I'm using the word train because he started out useless at chores but quickly got better. Household chores are not hard. They just require effort and diligence. Now we're 50/50 and he's very comfortable with taking care of the house and kids. He even does hair.

*We both tolerate a lot of ribbing/teasing in our relationship and he is usually the instigator. So if he brought home the wrong things, I'd bust his balls big time but I know not everyone is up for this type of teasing. However, in his case, it only takes one or two experiences with this to get on the straight and narrow. He's the same way with me.


I guess what Im asking is, for women whose husbands really do nothing at home and you're at your wits end, have you tried calling him out on it? I would honestly say, "you're being a huge baby right now and it's really unattractive. Adults suck it up and get it done rather than whine." But maybe I am a crazy bitch, IDK.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP. I have often wondered this myself. I would also call my husband out on that type of behavior. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

The training has to start early (like premarital counseling, before-kids early) and the relationship has to be right. My sister had to train her husband but was successful b/c of these factors and also 150% supportive inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Guess what, other peoples relationships have different dynamics than yours

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, the thing is, as the Stay at home spouse, husband in that scenario should be CEO of the house. There is no way I’d be ok with my DH telling me “honey you missed a spot” as the person primarily in charge of deciding what needs to get done and how it happens when it comes to the house and kids. I am the one who knows what is in the fridge/pantry/freezer and what I feel like cooking later in the week. If I send DH to the store he’d need a very specific list. It IS problematic. But if he were doing the meal planning and cooking, than he’d know what to buy, or figure out a substitute.

[Anonymous]

I have some answers for you.

First, "training" is hard work, and not every woman is cut out to "train" other people just by dint of being female. I grew up in a household where my dad actually did the bulk of the housework and a lot of childcare (probably 50% after the baby stage) so I literally just did not ever think I would be in the position of "training" someone to do what they should already be doing anyway.

Second, many men are jerks who don't take correction, ESPECIALLY by women, well. The DH ends up training the DW, either through direct aggression or continued passive aggression. My DH would bite my f-in head off if I ever asked him to re-clean the bathroom. Or, he'd just continually do a half-*ss job no matter what I said. Eventually you just get tired of that or it's easier to just do it yourself or accept it the way it is.

if I ever said "you're being a huge baby right now and it's really unattractive. Adults suck it up and get it done rather than whine" I would get a torrent of abuse in response, calling me a nag, a b*tch, and pointing out any number of completely irrelevant things that I do wrong.

Yes, we are working on a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Here's what I don't get. If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things, I'd (politely)* point this out to him and ask him to go back and get the right things. If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job, I'd ask him to do it again and get the spots he missed.

Sure, I'll play. Pointing out the half-*ssedness of chores done by spouse results in pouting and indignation. He thinks that putting in even the slightest bit of effort should be appreciated by me even if it is clearly incomplete or wrong.

[Anonymous]

I think that your example of the bathroom is a poor one -- most husbands would balk at that and refuse to clean it the next time. One of the best pieces of marriage advice i was given was that if my husband makes the bed, don't point out that he should have fluffed the pillows. Everyone has different standards -- and if you want it done a certain way, you either do it yourself or pay someone else. FWIW, my husband and I do split a lot of things, but we have now outsourced cleaning and yardwork because it's something that is never done to my specs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

This, although I think some couples really revel in this dynamic. Usually it's the woman who looooves to call the husband out on his crap, and he enjoys being called out. I'd rather not be married at all than interact my with my spouse like he's my child. I *loathe* the "busting his/her chops" dynamic with the heat of a thousand suns.

So, yeah, OP. What you don't understand is that couples are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

Except this is the way lazy DH's "train" their wives to do everything. They do an intolerably bad job. When it comes to kids, sometimes they threaten their safety or wellbeing. So mom does it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

I don't get mad at my DH when he forgets stuff from the grocery store because he can't find the stuff he wanted just as often as what I wanted. I don't have to teach him how to clean (he's better at most cleaning than I am), but when we were dating and I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong it led to something like a 4 week standoff because he can't handle criticism at all. He had to break the dishwasher and have a technician come out and tell him exactly what I said he was doing wrong before he changed his ways. I don't think you can teach or train a grown man to be better at basic tasks, you have to choose to marry one that's not a screw-up to begin with (which, dishwasher incident notwithstanding, is what I did). This is why I have more sympathy for women who realize their DH's suck at childcare than cleaning - that one is at least partially unknowable before the fact.

[Anonymous]

Because my husband wouldn’t go back to the store, clean the bathroom again, or watch the kids. He’d do what he wanted and get pissed at me.

[Anonymous]

Can we have another conversation about how husbands can and should “train” their wives to provide BJs and sammiches without even having to be told when and how to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some answers for you.

First, "training" is hard work, and not every woman is cut out to "train" other people just by dint of being female. I grew up in a household where my dad actually did the bulk of the housework and a lot of childcare (probably 50% after the baby stage) so I literally just did not ever think I would be in the position of "training" someone to do what they should already be doing anyway.

Second, many men are jerks who don't take correction, ESPECIALLY by women, well. The DH ends up training the DW, either through direct aggression or continued passive aggression. My DH would bite my f-in head off if I ever asked him to re-clean the bathroom. Or, he'd just continually do a half-*ss job no matter what I said. Eventually you just get tired of that or it's easier to just do it yourself or accept it the way it is.

if I ever said "you're being a huge baby right now and it's really unattractive. Adults suck it up and get it done rather than whine" I would get a torrent of abuse in response, calling me a nag, a b*tch, and pointing out any number of completely irrelevant things that I do wrong.

Yes, we are working on a divorce.

Are you me?? This is exactly what I went through.

I didn’t sign up for training a grown ass man.