Anyone have a DH that’s just combative all the time?

[Anonymous]

He always wants a fight, he seems to hate my guts. If I say he hurt my feelings, he’ll say he doesn’t care and call me a baby. He seems to delight in rejecting me, letting me know he doesn’t give a crap, but when I’ve had enough he says he doesn’t want to divorce. What is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He always wants a fight, he seems to hate my guts. If I say he hurt my feelings, he’ll say he doesn’t care and call me a baby. He seems to delight in rejecting me, letting me know he doesn’t give a crap, but when I’ve had enough he says he doesn’t want to divorce. What is this?

I’m gonna go with “he’s a jerk”. If you don’t have kids, leave today. The question isn’t whether he wants a divorce; it’s why you want to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He always wants a fight, he seems to hate my guts. If I say he hurt my feelings, he’ll say he doesn’t care and call me a baby. He seems to delight in rejecting me, letting me know he doesn’t give a crap, but when I’ve had enough he says he doesn’t want to divorce. What is this?

I’m gonna go with “he’s a jerk”. If you don’t have kids, leave today. The question isn’t whether he wants a divorce; it’s why you want to stay.

Kids. They are the light of my life and I’m not ready to give up spending half of their lives with them.

[Anonymous]

So much that I’m 99% sure he’ll see the OP’s post, think it was me, and get upset that I’m airing our dirty laundry on DCUM.

When we signed up for marriage counseling, he turned it into a fight over who wanted counseling more.

When we do something together as a family (I’ve given up on doing anything alone with him), he always makes comments he knows will start a fight. Like he can’t just chill and enjoy the moment, he always has to bring up an issue in front of our kid. If I walk away, he pours that he can’t say anything, or I can’t handle any criticism, or whatever.

No idea why they do this. Divorce seems to be the only answer.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he is having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He always wants a fight, he seems to hate my guts. If I say he hurt my feelings, he’ll say he doesn’t care and call me a baby. He seems to delight in rejecting me, letting me know he doesn’t give a crap, but when I’ve had enough he says he doesn’t want to divorce. What is this?

This was my life, only when I directly confronted him after he would claim he was sorry, didn’t hate me, and would change. He never did. Until I decided it was over. Then he did a 180–but the thing is that at that point: 1) I was truly done (because unlike him I didn’t want to play games) and 2) he’s so manipulative that it was most likely just another version of that manipulation. We recently divorced and while it’s still hard, it’s also unacceptable to spend the next 40-50+ years with someone who views that as ok at any level. I realized it wasn’t even about getting him to change at that point, but the fact that he was ok repeatedly abusing me without caring at all about the impact on me. He never truly loved me. If you love someone, you don’t take joy in hurting them. He only loved what I did for him.

We do have two young kids, by the way, and they are managing well. All his behavioral changes to “prove” he wasn’t the bad guy and it was all made up now have him acting as a good coparent. It’s still very sad and hard for me at times because it’s never what I wanted (and says a lot about me and the inner work I needed that I not only chose someone like that, but stayed unquestionably for over 20 years), but I also feel more peace than I ever did before, so I’m letting that be my guide.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is having an affair?

No. He works from home and barely leaves the house otherwise unless we’re together.

[Anonymous]

This is so unhealthy for your children to be raised in this dynamic. If you truly care about your kids, get a divorce. Show them they don't have to be treated like this. Show them it's not ok. Show them how to stand up for themselves. Show them how that type of behavior isn't tolerated. Don't let them grownup in an abusive home.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy for yourself. Also why argue over who wants marriage therapy the most? Just tell him he does and then go to the appt. But definitely therapy for yourself

[Anonymous]

My wife is a lot like OP's husband, but when my kids were young, they worshipped her and thought she must be right for criticizing me almost constantly. I decided to stay, at least until youngest is out of high school.

If I had left when the kids were young, they would have believed their mother and hated my guts. Now that they are older teens, they seem to get it. She's kind and loving to them but usually not to me. Now I think I will be able to leave without destroying my relationships with my kids

[Anonymous]

Mine is like that. Even though he's medicated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is like that. Even though he's medicated!

Yep. Mine’s medicated too :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a lot like OP's husband, but when my kids were young, they worshipped her and thought she must be right for criticizing me almost constantly. I decided to stay, at least until youngest is out of high school.

If I had left when the kids were young, they would have believed their mother and hated my guts. Now that they are older teens, they seem to get it. She's kind and loving to them but usually not to me. Now I think I will be able to leave without destroying my relationships with my kids

Don't think so.

You divorce.
You co-parent 50/50.
And kids will see through the manipulations very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a lot like OP's husband, but when my kids were young, they worshipped her and thought she must be right for criticizing me almost constantly. I decided to stay, at least until youngest is out of high school.

If I had left when the kids were young, they would have believed their mother and hated my guts. Now that they are older teens, they seem to get it. She's kind and loving to them but usually not to me. Now I think I will be able to leave without destroying my relationships with my kids

Don't think so.

You divorce.
You co-parent 50/50.
And kids will see through the manipulations very quickly.

It’s so unfair that those of us living with this have to lose our kids half the time to boot. It’s bad enough to end up living with a jerk, now I have to lose my kids too.

[Anonymous]

How many men really keep up with seeing their kids 50% of the time? Maybe in the beginning, but really for the long haul?