If your spouse has mental health issues that are not fully controlled

[Anonymous]

What do you do to make life sustainable for you? DH is fine sometimes and entirely checked out others. I'm trying to think through all the logistical and emotional supports I can have in place so i'm no longer on the roller coaster with him. We have 2 small toddlers, I need to no longer be so impacted when he's having a rough spell and checks out entirely for the weekend leaving me with so much more work and less fun than when he can be a normal engaged parter and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Oh, honey. The situation you describe isn't sustainable. I've been there. I tried for nearly 3 years, doing it all, trying to get my XDH to get the help he needed so he, again, would be the person I loved so much and who was such a great partner. He refused. Still, I tried. We had 3 small kids and I WOH full time. I did everything and ended up developing depression myself and going on an SSRI (should have done that sooner). When I finally realized that nothing was going to change and 'this' was going to be my life unless I did something, I filed for divorce.

Although some said it was a mistake, it wasn't. My life got immensely easier when I no longer had to accommodate XDH's uncontrolled mental illness and had no expectations of him. Although it was easy being a single mom, it was far easier than when he was around. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey. The situation you describe isn't sustainable. I've been there. I tried for nearly 3 years, doing it all, trying to get my XDH to get the help he needed so he, again, would be the person I loved so much and who was such a great partner. He refused. Still, I tried. We had 3 small kids and I WOH full time. I did everything and ended up developing depression myself and going on an SSRI (should have done that sooner). When I finally realized that nothing was going to change and 'this' was going to be my life unless I did something, I filed for divorce.

Although some said it was a mistake, it wasn't. My life got immensely easier when I no longer had to accommodate XDH's uncontrolled mental illness and had no expectations of him. Although it was easy being a single mom, it was far easier than when he was around. Hugs.

I appreciate that sentiment but its not SO bad that it's worth giving up my kids 50% of the time (he would want custody but he'd basically hire help to do all the lifting so I'd be trying to coparent with random nannies or some future unknown girlfriend) or having my kids deal with him without me as a buffer. I know others might disagree but I think together we could raise our kids with the impact on them being very mild (similar to a dad that golfs on weekends or works all the time and generally isn't very consistentent available) whereas the impact of divorce and living with him 50% of the time without another loving parent around would be much more damaging.

Right now I hold so much anger and resentment every time he bails (which is also damanging to the kids) and i need to find ways to just not be so impacted and able to carry on. I'm thinking of things like an au pair so I have a stand in second set of hands on weekends and my workload isn't so dependent on whether dh is feeling ok, i should probably get my own therapist....what else can i do to get myself in a stable mental and exhaustion management place

[Anonymous]

Op agin - also he's in therapy and on meds...they've unfortunately just only moderately effective b/c his conditions aren't mild. he's tried other meds and they continue to tinker with them but i'm planning for him being pretty checked out 2 days a week that aren't predictable because that may be as good as it gets.

he is able to hold a stable and well paying job, a lot of his anxiety is actually related to work so when he's in a bad spell he gets tunnel focused on work to manage the anxiety

[Anonymous]

He won't get them 50% of the time if the mental illness is documented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won't get them 50% of the time if the mental illness is documented.

That's not my understanding. Beyond diagnosis and that he's in treatment there's nothing that would really show up (physical abuse, inability to hold a job, dangerous to self / others, substance abuse etc). If it was contentious it'd just be my word against his that he spends every other weekend in the basement hiding from the world and my asking him to take on firm commitments sends him into panic attacks.

If I'm not understanding it correctly though, please let me know!

[Anonymous]

I did what you're doing for years. Held it all together for the good of the kids. One day he decided *I* was the root of his problems and left. After many years of spiraling into worse and worse mental health, he died in a tragic accident. Kids are teens. Hadn't seen him in years but it's still a horrible tragedy for us all.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey. The situation you describe isn't sustainable. I've been there. I tried for nearly 3 years, doing it all, trying to get my XDH to get the help he needed so he, again, would be the person I loved so much and who was such a great partner. He refused. Still, I tried. We had 3 small kids and I WOH full time. I did everything and ended up developing depression myself and going on an SSRI (should have done that sooner). When I finally realized that nothing was going to change and 'this' was going to be my life unless I did something, I filed for divorce.

Although some said it was a mistake, it wasn't. My life got immensely easier when I no longer had to accommodate XDH's uncontrolled mental illness and had no expectations of him. Although it was easy being a single mom, it was far easier than when he was around. Hugs.

I appreciate that sentiment but its not SO bad that it's worth giving up my kids 50% of the time (he would want custody but he'd basically hire help to do all the lifting so I'd be trying to coparent with random nannies or some future unknown girlfriend) or having my kids deal with him without me as a buffer. I know others might disagree but I think together we could raise our kids with the impact on them being very mild (similar to a dad that golfs on weekends or works all the time and generally isn't very consistentent available) whereas the impact of divorce and living with him 50% of the time without another loving parent around would be much more damaging.

Right now I hold so much anger and resentment every time he bails (which is also damanging to the kids) and i need to find ways to just not be so impacted and able to carry on. I'm thinking of things like an au pair so I have a stand in second set of hands on weekends and my workload isn't so dependent on whether dh is feeling ok, i should probably get my own therapist....what else can i do to get myself in a stable mental and exhaustion management place

Your initial post and your response could be me. Down to every detail (except my spouse has substance abuse issues as well as mental health).

This has what has helped so far:

-individual therapy for myself. weekly.
-stop focusing on him/his health. I only have so much energy and it needs to be directed to me and the kids.
-Read/listen to 'Codependent No More'. Detaching will help you with the resentment.
-cleaning service every two weeks.
-On weekends when he is not doing well: get out of the house with the kids, order grocery delivery. This is your special time with your young kids and you need to protect it from his mental health bringing everybody down.

-On days when he is doing better and helpful, accept it.
Don't spend your energy being mad, or arguing.
Take these days and do something fun as a family. This is the gift I am giving my kids- family memories. If I spent those days mad and angry, there would be no point to the sacrifices.

I also carve out me time when he is doing well. I go out to dinner with friends, go on long walks alone, whatever I need/want to do to take care of myself.

Not sure of any of this is useful, but it has been helping me a lot.
Its taking work but these steps/boundaries have helped me get what I absolutely need to function and give my kids the gift of an intact family. I know many people would think divorce is the answer, but after much consideration, this is the path I am choosing, for now.

[Anonymous]

OP, was in a similar position here. What I will say is that while it’s a really hard balance to strike between not trying to manage his health for him and also pressing him to manage it himself, it was a world of difference for me between his illness being controlled and not being controlled. When my husband is in therapy and on meds that actually work for him, he is awesome. When he skips therapy or before they figured out his meds, he was basically checked out 3-4 days per week. It was awful. I was exhausted and resentful all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

Don’t feel that way, I would never want him gone from our lives. I’m not going to lie, it’s a challenge to co-adult with a struggling person, but he still adds tremendous value to our kids lives and I’d never think we are better off without him existing.

The one thing I do really wish he would do (it’d go so far) is engaging in solving for how to make our lives work given his challenges. My dh can’t even discuss it bc he feels attacked and has to acknowledge his failures. I wish he’d partner with me and say “ok you can’t count on me to take the kids for a bit every weekend so you can get a break too, so let’s work together on figuring out ways we can make sure your needs are met.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

Don’t feel that way, I would never want him gone from our lives. I’m not going to lie, it’s a challenge to co-adult with a struggling person, but he still adds tremendous value to our kids lives and I’d never think we are better off without him existing.

The one thing I do really wish he would do (it’d go so far) is engaging in solving for how to make our lives work given his challenges. My dh can’t even discuss it bc he feels attacked and has to acknowledge his failures. I wish he’d partner with me and say “ok you can’t count on me to take the kids for a bit every weekend so you can get a break too, so let’s work together on figuring out ways we can make sure your needs are met.”

I’m glad you feel that way and it sounds like a like a good plan. But as the person who isn’t managing mental health in my relationship I feel so much guilt and shame for what I have done to him and our child. I have a therapy appt this evening, but don’t even want to go. I am pretty certain I am a complete lost cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

I've been where you are. I want you to know that you matter. You have inherent value and you deserve to live.

Yes, your spouse makes you feel like garbage. Yes, that only wants to make you hide more. Your spouse may indeed think you're worthless, but that doesn't mean you are worthless. Your spouse is wrong. What it does mean is that your marriage is over.

I was on increasing amounts of pyschiatric medication. But what really helped is when he "had enough" and moved out. Yeah, I needed help with the kids, especially on weekends. I hired a nanny part-time. But I accomplished so much more in a day when the constant reminders that I was a disgrace went away. And I don't need a nanny on weekends anymore.

"I love you sooooooooooooooo much!!" says my daughter. It is SO WORTH IT! LIVE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

This is your mental illness talking. Please seek help. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

As someone whose parent (unsuccessfully, thankfully) tried to end is life, please do not let your illness convince you that you will be helping the people who love you by hurting yourself. All you will do is create a giant gaping hole in their hearts and lives. The best thing you can do for your family and loved ones is to get help with your mental illness and to keep fighting your demons. Step away to get that help if you need to, but don't give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey. The situation you describe isn't sustainable. I've been there. I tried for nearly 3 years, doing it all, trying to get my XDH to get the help he needed so he, again, would be the person I loved so much and who was such a great partner. He refused. Still, I tried. We had 3 small kids and I WOH full time. I did everything and ended up developing depression myself and going on an SSRI (should have done that sooner). When I finally realized that nothing was going to change and 'this' was going to be my life unless I did something, I filed for divorce.

Although some said it was a mistake, it wasn't. My life got immensely easier when I no longer had to accommodate XDH's uncontrolled mental illness and had no expectations of him. Although it was easy being a single mom, it was far easier than when he was around. Hugs.

I appreciate that sentiment but its not SO bad that it's worth giving up my kids 50% of the time (he would want custody but he'd basically hire help to do all the lifting so I'd be trying to coparent with random nannies or some future unknown girlfriend) or having my kids deal with him without me as a buffer. I know others might disagree but I think together we could raise our kids with the impact on them being very mild (similar to a dad that golfs on weekends or works all the time and generally isn't very consistentent available) whereas the impact of divorce and living with him 50% of the time without another loving parent around would be much more damaging.

Right now I hold so much anger and resentment every time he bails (which is also damanging to the kids) and i need to find ways to just not be so impacted and able to carry on. I'm thinking of things like an au pair so I have a stand in second set of hands on weekends and my workload isn't so dependent on whether dh is feeling ok, i should probably get my own therapist....what else can i do to get myself in a stable mental and exhaustion management place

Your initial post and your response could be me. Down to every detail (except my spouse has substance abuse issues as well as mental health).

This has what has helped so far:

-individual therapy for myself. weekly.
-stop focusing on him/his health. I only have so much energy and it needs to be directed to me and the kids.
-Read/listen to 'Codependent No More'. Detaching will help you with the resentment.
-cleaning service every two weeks.
-On weekends when he is not doing well: get out of the house with the kids, order grocery delivery. This is your special time with your young kids and you need to protect it from his mental health bringing everybody down.

-On days when he is doing better and helpful, accept it.
Don't spend your energy being mad, or arguing.
Take these days and do something fun as a family. This is the gift I am giving my kids- family memories. If I spent those days mad and angry, there would be no point to the sacrifices.

I also carve out me time when he is doing well. I go out to dinner with friends, go on long walks alone, whatever I need/want to do to take care of myself.

Not sure of any of this is useful, but it has been helping me a lot.
Its taking work but these steps/boundaries have helped me get what I absolutely need to function and give my kids the gift of an intact family. I know many people would think divorce is the answer, but after much consideration, this is the path I am choosing, for now.

Op here - this is really helpful. I really love the sentiment of doing it as a gift for my kids to give them family memories. I hate when I turn into an angry “nagging” (such an unfair word) wife and also feeding into a hostile dynamic. Part of me feels like it lets him off the hook to ask nothing of him, but at the end of the day being angry that he checked out accomplishes nothing positive