Are single people in their thirties really the “undesirables”?

[Anonymous]

Statistically, people who marry in their 30s are more likely to stay married and report greater marital happiness than people who marry in their 20s.

And here are my anecdotals:

- All of the divorces I know involved at least one partner who was in their 20s when they married. There is a lot about married life you don't understand at that age, and it can hit you in the face when you learn about it.

- All of the open marriages I know of involved people who married in their early to mid 20s. Now, I have nothing against open marriage -- consenting adults should do whatever they want. But I personally have never been interested in it, nor has my husband, despite being monogamous for more than 15 years. I think that's at least in part because we met in our 30s after both having very active dating lives in our 20s and early 30s. People who didn't do that might have a harder time with really long-term monogamy.

- I personally would not have made a good marriage partner in my 20s. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and had to go to therapy and work on myself for a while. Now my husband and marriage both benefit greatly from those years of therapy and self work. For instance, my husband and I have very gently, productive, arguments. Also, I have a whole support network in place so it's not on my husband to meet all of my needs. These are things that are harder to accomplish in your 20s unless you are very mentally balanced and mature. My experience is that these qualities are extremely rare at that age (though if it's you -- congrats!).

- Having kids in your mid to late 30s is less stressful because you are more financially stable, more established in your careers, and old enough not to mourn the loss of your freedom as much as you would in your 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I think there’s a big spectrum. I do think some of the most eligible people get married at 25, but there’s another big push in the 30s too. 25-35 is very normal

+1 I spent most of my 20s 100% focused on working (60+ hrs per week) and had no time to date. Made it a priority in my late 20s-early 30s and married at 32. Among my friends this seems pretty common -- either they met their future spouse in college and married in early 20s, or they took a while to find the right person and married in early 30s. And, some thought they found the person in college, spent their 20s in a living-together limbo until finally breaking up and in the same place of looking for the right partner in late 20s/early 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wedding announcements in the NYT tend to come from couples in their 30s. But maybe they're all undesirable.

Its self selection. Also, alot of their cutsie stories about how they met and then got engaged in Tanzania are annoying.

You don't know it's "a lot"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I think there’s a big spectrum. I do think some of the most eligible people get married at 25, but there’s another big push in the 30s too. 25-35 is very normal

+1 I spent most of my 20s 100% focused on working (60+ hrs per week) and had no time to date. Made it a priority in my late 20s-early 30s and married at 32. Among my friends this seems pretty common -- either they met their future spouse in college and married in early 20s, or they took a while to find the right person and married in early 30s. And, some thought they found the person in college, spent their 20s in a living-together limbo until finally breaking up and in the same place of looking for the right partner in late 20s/early 30s.

+1. I posted earlier that there seems to be a good dating pool until early 30's, and I've seen this too. There's also a big difference between someone who's engaged at 32 vs. some guy who's single at 35. The people married by 35 are typically in serious relationships for at least a year+ prior to marriage, so the pickings are really slim by 35. The point is that most people who are serious about starting a family feel pressure to marry if they're approaching 30 and still single, so they're pretty damaged if they hit 35 and are haven't tied the knot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I think there’s a big spectrum. I do think some of the most eligible people get married at 25, but there’s another big push in the 30s too. 25-35 is very normal

+1 I spent most of my 20s 100% focused on working (60+ hrs per week) and had no time to date. Made it a priority in my late 20s-early 30s and married at 32. Among my friends this seems pretty common -- either they met their future spouse in college and married in early 20s, or they took a while to find the right person and married in early 30s. And, some thought they found the person in college, spent their 20s in a living-together limbo until finally breaking up and in the same place of looking for the right partner in late 20s/early 30s.

Yes this. I married young, but met DH at 20. We could have waited to marry in our 30s, but we wanted to buy a house and move cross country. No sense in waiting when you meet the right one. DH and I didn't want to meet so young. We also spent our entire 20s focused on our careers and grad school, we just did it together.

[Anonymous]

People who marry before 25 are the real undesirables.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. 40s to 50s, yes.

No, and no to this PP as well. I have cousins and several friends who only found lasting, meaningful relationships in their 40s and 50s, they are certainly not undesirables. There's a wide range in when people meet someone who is truly a good fit for a committed relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, people who marry in their 30s are more likely to stay married and report greater marital happiness than people who marry in their 20s.

\.

Not true.

https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long/

[Anonymous]

Sometimes yes and it's obvious why they're still single and sometimes no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. 40s to 50s, yes.

No, and no to this PP as well. I have cousins and several friends who only found lasting, meaningful relationships in their 40s and 50s, they are certainly not undesirables. There's a wide range in when people meet someone who is truly a good fit for a committed relationship.

it depends on if you think procreation is an important part of life- if so 40s and 50s are too late

[Anonymous]

What are strange question for a board that is dc focused. Almost all of my girlfriends including myself married either close to thirty or by mid-thirties. We are all lawyers with two doctors, a PhD, and a banker thrown in so lots of graduate school. For myself i was in many serious relationships but unready to marry And focused on getting my footing in my career. This was the case until I met DH at 30. We dated for 2 years, he proposed then we planned our wedding etc for another year before we married.

[Anonymous]

People who are single in their 30’s are that way for a reason. By the time a person hits their late 30’s you start to lock in your habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only singles I know in their late thirties do have some issues.

And the" marrieds" in their 30's don't???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, people who marry in their 30s are more likely to stay married and report greater marital happiness than people who marry in their 20s.

And here are my anecdotals:

- All of the divorces I know involved at least one partner who was in their 20s when they married. There is a lot about married life you don't understand at that age, and it can hit you in the face when you learn about it.

- All of the open marriages I know of involved people who married in their early to mid 20s. Now, I have nothing against open marriage -- consenting adults should do whatever they want. But I personally have never been interested in it, nor has my husband, despite being monogamous for more than 15 years. I think that's at least in part because we met in our 30s after both having very active dating lives in our 20s and early 30s. People who didn't do that might have a harder time with really long-term monogamy.

- I personally would not have made a good marriage partner in my 20s. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and had to go to therapy and work on myself for a while. Now my husband and marriage both benefit greatly from those years of therapy and self work. For instance, my husband and I have very gently, productive, arguments. Also, I have a whole support network in place so it's not on my husband to meet all of my needs. These are things that are harder to accomplish in your 20s unless you are very mentally balanced and mature. My experience is that these qualities are extremely rare at that age (though if it's you -- congrats!).

- Having kids in your mid to late 30s is less stressful because you are more financially stable, more established in your careers, and old enough not to mourn the loss of your freedom as much as you would in your 20s.

this poster is wise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, people who marry in their 30s are more likely to stay married and report greater marital happiness than people who marry in their 20s.

And here are my anecdotals:

- All of the divorces I know involved at least one partner who was in their 20s when they married. There is a lot about married life you don't understand at that age, and it can hit you in the face when you learn about it.

- All of the open marriages I know of involved people who married in their early to mid 20s. Now, I have nothing against open marriage -- consenting adults should do whatever they want. But I personally have never been interested in it, nor has my husband, despite being monogamous for more than 15 years. I think that's at least in part because we met in our 30s after both having very active dating lives in our 20s and early 30s. People who didn't do that might have a harder time with really long-term monogamy.

- I personally would not have made a good marriage partner in my 20s. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and had to go to therapy and work on myself for a while. Now my husband and marriage both benefit greatly from those years of therapy and self work. For instance, my husband and I have very gently, productive, arguments. Also, I have a whole support network in place so it's not on my husband to meet all of my needs. These are things that are harder to accomplish in your 20s unless you are very mentally balanced and mature. My experience is that these qualities are extremely rare at that age (though if it's you -- congrats!).

- Having kids in your mid to late 30s is less stressful because you are more financially stable, more established in your careers, and old enough not to mourn the loss of your freedom as much as you would in your 20s.

Unless you struggle with infertility, like many do. If you want more than 2 kids, it's better to start earlier.