s/o: sexless marriages, did you know this happens often?

[Anonymous]

For context, I'm 40. Growing up, I saw the issue of dead bedrooms or at least, decreasing and less exciting marital sex, often represented in popular culture. Movies, tv, books, magazine columns, etc. etc. People were often talking about how hard it is to be monogamous for decades.

However, it seems like people on here are constantly surprised when this becomes an issue in their own relationships. Did you really not know that sex peaks in the years directly preceding and following marriage, i.e. the "honeymoon phase"? Why did you think you would not experience something that millions of other couples do? Had you not seen any Woody Allen films? lol

Seriously though, it surprises me when other people are surprised by this. I thought this phenomenon was common knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For context, I'm 40. Growing up, I saw the issue of dead bedrooms or at least, decreasing and less exciting marital sex, often represented in popular culture. Movies, tv, books, magazine columns, etc. etc. People were often talking about how hard it is to be monogamous for decades.

However, it seems like people on here are constantly surprised when this becomes an issue in their own relationships. Did you really not know that sex peaks in the years directly preceding and following marriage, i.e. the "honeymoon phase"? Why did you think you would not experience something that millions of other couples do? Had you not seen any Woody Allen films? lol

Seriously though, it surprises me when other people are surprised by this. I thought this phenomenon was common knowledge.

I know! And simple research backs this up. Older people have less sex. So do people in longer term relationships.

It is biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, I'm 40. Growing up, I saw the issue of dead bedrooms or at least, decreasing and less exciting marital sex, often represented in popular culture. Movies, tv, books, magazine columns, etc. etc. People were often talking about how hard it is to be monogamous for decades.

However, it seems like people on here are constantly surprised when this becomes an issue in their own relationships. Did you really not know that sex peaks in the years directly preceding and following marriage, i.e. the "honeymoon phase"? Why did you think you would not experience something that millions of other couples do? Had you not seen any Woody Allen films? lol

Seriously though, it surprises me when other people are surprised by this. I thought this phenomenon was common knowledge.

I know! And simple research backs this up. Older people have less sex. So do people in longer term relationships.

It is biology.

+ 2

I am befuddled by those threads as well. Who didn't know this is a common problem?!

[Anonymous]

We have more at 22 years than we did at 15 years.

It’s also not static. Empty nest is a wonderful thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have more at 22 years than we did at 15 years.

It’s also not static. Empty nest is a wonderful thing.

That's fine but you're partially proving the OP's point, which is that sex in marriage is not a static thing. It ebbs and flows depending on circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Look, I'll openly admit I am still surprised at it. It seems like a tired trope of the wife who doesn't want sex, the man who is always pawing at her. It seems over played, and exaggerated. My parents always made it clear that sex was fun and I never got the idea that my mom was putting up with my dad. DH and I still have sex (25 years together). Less than when we were first married, maybe, but still an active bedroom.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

[Anonymous]

Don't you know that every single person who has ever lived dies? Haven't you seen a war movie? Why are you soooooo surprised and disappointed when it happens to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

this! the reason it befuddles me, is that it our dead bedroom is opposite of what I was expecting. We have a young child, but apparently I have a much higher drive than my DH, so i am confused because I am the one initiating and getting rejected - but my identity in life (as a female) has always been if i want it, i can get it, because that is what society has taught me. I am still young and attractive, seeing me naked used to be enough to spark interest in him. Now i have to work for it, and I am not used this. The rejection really hurts my ego.

[Anonymous]

The change pretty clearly happened when women had more rights and felt “free to be.” Thereafter the curtain was lifted on what many men suspected - the wife wasn’t sexually attracted to the husband anymore - it was personal, because she would certainly be sexually attracted to a new man. In the meantime the husband would likely still be into sex with the wife. Assuming he’s a faithful guy he gets frustrated.

Divorced women in here have explained the reawakening or sexual desire after divorce. Men, however, usually never lose that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

this! the reason it befuddles me, is that it our dead bedroom is opposite of what I was expecting. We have a young child, but apparently I have a much higher drive than my DH, so i am confused because I am the one initiating and getting rejected - but my identity in life (as a female) has always been if i want it, i can get it, because that is what society has taught me. I am still young and attractive, seeing me naked used to be enough to spark interest in him. Now i have to work for it, and I am not used this. The rejection really hurts my ego.

This situation appears to be an outlier. But I don’t think you’re alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

this! the reason it befuddles me, is that it our dead bedroom is opposite of what I was expecting. We have a young child, but apparently I have a much higher drive than my DH, so i am confused because I am the one initiating and getting rejected - but my identity in life (as a female) has always been if i want it, i can get it, because that is what society has taught me. I am still young and attractive, seeing me naked used to be enough to spark interest in him. Now i have to work for it, and I am not used this. The rejection really hurts my ego.

this is how many "good" men/DHs feel - the ones that pull their share of the parenting and housework, who earn a good income and ones who are in shape and who are objectively attractive to other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, I'm 40. Growing up, I saw the issue of dead bedrooms or at least, decreasing and less exciting marital sex, often represented in popular culture. Movies, tv, books, magazine columns, etc. etc. People were often talking about how hard it is to be monogamous for decades.

However, it seems like people on here are constantly surprised when this becomes an issue in their own relationships. Did you really not know that sex peaks in the years directly preceding and following marriage, i.e. the "honeymoon phase"? Why did you think you would not experience something that millions of other couples do? Had you not seen any Woody Allen films? lol

Seriously though, it surprises me when other people are surprised by this. I thought this phenomenon was common knowledge.

I know! And simple research backs this up. Older people have less sex. So do people in longer term relationships.

It is biology.

+ 2

I am befuddled by those threads as well. Who didn't know this is a common problem?!

If it is normal biology, why it is a ‘problem’?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

this! the reason it befuddles me, is that it our dead bedroom is opposite of what I was expecting. We have a young child, but apparently I have a much higher drive than my DH, so i am confused because I am the one initiating and getting rejected - but my identity in life (as a female) has always been if i want it, i can get it, because that is what society has taught me. I am still young and attractive, seeing me naked used to be enough to spark interest in him. Now i have to work for it, and I am not used this. The rejection really hurts my ego.

this is how many "good" men/DHs feel - the ones that pull their share of the parenting and housework, who earn a good income and ones who are in shape and who are objectively attractive to other women.

unicorns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe some of the surprise comes from the way it's portrayed versus the reality of how it comes to pass.

Most of the reason for the decline in sex is that people get bored, and women get bored more quickly than men for mostly biological reasons. Nobody's fault.

The way it gets portrayed blames it on women being asexual generally, causing women to say "hey! We like sex!" and on men becoming out of shape, thoughtless dopes. Guys say "hey! I'm still in pretty good shape and I pull my weight at home."

Since the individuals don't fall into the stereotypical tropes usually thought of as causing the sexlessness, they think that won't happen to their marriages. But, biology is biology, so it happens anyway, and they're surprised.

this! the reason it befuddles me, is that it our dead bedroom is opposite of what I was expecting. We have a young child, but apparently I have a much higher drive than my DH, so i am confused because I am the one initiating and getting rejected - but my identity in life (as a female) has always been if i want it, i can get it, because that is what society has taught me. I am still young and attractive, seeing me naked used to be enough to spark interest in him. Now i have to work for it, and I am not used this. The rejection really hurts my ego.

this is how many "good" men/DHs feel - the ones that pull their share of the parenting and housework, who earn a good income and ones who are in shape and who are objectively attractive to other women.

I agree that it doesn't feel good for those "good men" either but I would argue that it's still different being a female and being in a society that begins sexualizing females as children and putting a high correlation between their beauty/sexuality/looks and their worth. We have been told "sex is what you have to offer in a relationship." Women have been shamed for generations about their sexuality, their desires, it has always been framed from the male perspective. The troupe of "man wants sex but isn't getting it" is very common and understandable by most, which is why it's a stereotype. But it's highly rare to hear about a woman wanting sex and not getting it, and it makes a lot of people uncomfortable to even fathom that a woman wants and enjoys sex, but isn't able to get it.

I am just saying, both cases exist and are not fun to be in - but a female having a higher drive and being rejected sexually is much much less common and has a unique impact in and of itself.