He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

OP, I am so sorry. Please know that it’s your husband’s actions that would cause this pain to your kids - even though that does not change their experience. I agree with PP who suggested your DH may have sexual addiction issues, if the cheating is as frequent as you suggest with different partners. Whether or not that’s it, he needs therapy to figure out his issues. You need to take a step back and give yourself time to figure out what you really want. Confronting your DH and telling him right away that you want yo reconcile gives him all the power and no reason to change his behavior. Don’t offer that right away. Go to survivinginfidelity.com for great advice from people who have been there. Most of all, know that you deserve much better.

NP but I agree with the post above. OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can completely relate as I'm smack in the middle of a very similar situation. My first tip is to be very careful with who you share this information with. You have to trust them not to hate your husband if you decide to work through it. When I found out, I told 2 close friends and their immediate reaction was to divorce and take him for all he's worth. Clearly we are very different people and characters and that is not something I wanted to do. Now they act cold towards him and I regret telling them in the first place.

Like you, I don't want my kids growing up with divorced parents. We've work hard to build a strong family life over the past 15+ years and it kills me to throw it all away. Honestly, I think it's going to take a long time to know where to go from here. One day I'm so angry I can't look at him, the next I'm thinking of all the good times we've had together and can't live without him. It's a whirlwind. Get a therapist and talk to a divorce attorney, just to get a sense of what can happen if you go that route. (most offer free consultations). and yes, get tested for STDS

+1 op sadly this is true to REALLY consider who you tell. My friend had a similar situation, decided to stay and it wreaked havoc on her friendships, sadly. People have a very hard time understanding, I was shocked at how little empathy folks had for our friend (I totally understand op! I would probably be the same as you. fwiw my friend and her spouse seem to be doing very well and I'm very happy for them).

Oh and for the pp, I just want to add since it sounds like you are in the middle of it that many of my friend's friendships DID recover. Time heals a lot, I'm sure the hurt will always be there for her with the friends who took more time, but things have gotten a lot better. honestly I don't think there is any excuse for the behavior of some of our friends, but if we're trying to figure out why I think it's that this kind of thing destabilizes things a little bit for everyone and some are not mature enough to realize that their reactions are more a reaction of self preservation themselves - like oh I would do this differently or my morals are somehow higher so if I react this way it somehow protects me from this happening to me, it would never happen to me. We know all of this isn't true, but it's what people do in hard situations, sadly. Wishing both of you a much less stressful future, no matter what direction you take.

[Anonymous]

Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

You are ridiculous. Obviously OP has problems with this. You don't get to just do whatever you want with no effects on others. We get it that cheaters don't think that it matters that much. That's why they do it. But non cheaters do not think this way in the slightest. There were reasons for the vows people made. It was the main reason for being in the marriage verses just being in a relationship. If these are the main reasons why you are in a marriage, of course it affects you.

[Anonymous]

OP you will also need to contend with how you will handle this with your kids. If you decide to stay and the kids ask where the dad is, what will you do? Will you lie for him? To what degree will you lie to protect his secrets and your marriage? What if your kids find out one day and realize you both have been keeping this from them? What might this do to their senses of trust and their own ability to be in secure relationships?

I mention this because your story sounds a lot like my in laws. My mil decided to stay but they kept it from the kids, she covered for him, but the kids found out as adults. My DH has slowly done the work to realize the parts of his parents marriage that were dysfunctional. This work is ongoing. DH’s brother is 40 and perpetually dates younger and younger most recently hitting 20 years old. I don’t understand the full pathology of it but knowing him and their family it is like he has in inability to become emotionally intimate with a woman and thinks that what his parents modeled is somehow normal. My in laws are both normal people and pleasant to be around, but they also live in a world of secrets and unspoken hard truths. You wouldn’t notice as a friend but as an in law it slowly became glaringly obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

I dated a guy whose father was a serial cheater. His mom stayed.

He ended up cheating on me. I truly believe that he tried for a bit to not cheat, but his self-esteem needed the "boost" of a conquest so to speak.

I left once I found out. He lied at first and then later begged me to return.

I hope he has found the peace he was so desperately looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of proof did you find that gave you all of that information? If your marriage is a good as you say, why were you snooping? My biggest concern would be your kids finding out and growing up thinking that it is acceptable behavior.

He fell asleep with his open laptop on his lap. I moved it so it wouldn’t fall off the bed in the night, which I’ve done plenty of times before. This time, What was on the screen was extremely shocking and could only be one thing. I then did snoop and found lots lots more. Texts, meet ups, dating profiles, many things correlating with his business travel. Connecting various other dots, and knowing his patterns of behavior, it’s all very very clear. He’s actively making plans for more including tomorrow. And this weekend he has a work trip that I am certain will provide further opportunities.

I am very sad.

I'm sorry. Do you plan to keep having sex with him knowing what you know now? If you stop your intimate relationship with him then your kids will grow up seeing an affectionless marriage.

OP I'm so sorry, this is a terrible, terrible thing to go through. One thing that strikes me as odd is he doesn't seem to be trying very hard to keep this from you if he's using his laptop in bed with information you can easily find. When my DH cheated, I found out through a strange coincidence, but he very clearly was trying to keep it from me. Maybe he knows you will be reluctant to leave and wants to clear his conscience?

A lot of these people want to leave and want you to make the first move. Also they can't help themselves. It's an addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It's true. You have to separate the damage of cheating on a marriage versus on a parenting relationship. You can probably be an above average parent and a terrible spouse, but one aspect of parenting that you are failing in modeling a healthy relationship. If your kids do find out, you've set them up for some hard times ahead in their own relationships.

Serial cheating, however, is death to a healthy marriage because of broken trust and respect. It's hard to respect someone who cheats and lies. It's hard to be in partnership with someone you don't respect. Where there is infidelity, there is often financial infidelity. Maybe OP can wrap her head around the flings but if she uncovers how much of the family's finances he has spent in pursuit of other women, she might lose it. For example, what if he spent $5000 on a trip and gifts for his mistress, but they're still not done with the kids' 529 plans?

People stay in unhealthy marriages for all kinds of reasons. I get that an unhealthy marriage may seem better than being a single divorcee to some. I personally don't know anyone who has a healthy marriage after discovering serial cheating, but there are probably examples out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you will also need to contend with how you will handle this with your kids. If you decide to stay and the kids ask where the dad is, what will you do? Will you lie for him? To what degree will you lie to protect his secrets and your marriage? What if your kids find out one day and realize you both have been keeping this from them? What might this do to their senses of trust and their own ability to be in secure relationships?

I mention this because your story sounds a lot like my in laws. My mil decided to stay but they kept it from the kids, she covered for him, but the kids found out as adults. My DH has slowly done the work to realize the parts of his parents marriage that were dysfunctional. This work is ongoing. DH’s brother is 40 and perpetually dates younger and younger most recently hitting 20 years old. I don’t understand the full pathology of it but knowing him and their family it is like he has in inability to become emotionally intimate with a woman and thinks that what his parents modeled is somehow normal. My in laws are both normal people and pleasant to be around, but they also live in a world of secrets and unspoken hard truths. You wouldn’t notice as a friend but as an in law it slowly became glaringly obvious.

I do feel like this type of living normalizes keeping secrets from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

DP - my dad had an affair, which ended my parents’ marriage when my mom found out. Their marriage was pretty awful for most of my childhood, but they seemed to reach a calmer period as I got older. In hindsight, I think my father’s affair was related to grief over the loss of my mom’s parents, with whom he was very close. So, I have empathy for him, but to a point, considering that he had this affair shortly after my mom lost BOTH her parents in a six month stretch. The lousy marriage was hard to grow up with, and the way it ended was hard to tolerate. It took me years of therapy to be able to find a good, stable partner in my DH. My sibling never got there.

It’s hard when kids find out their foundation is hollow. If you stay, OP, think about how you’d defend that to your kids. A one-off affair is one thing; years of deceit, with multiple partners, is another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

DP - my dad had an affair, which ended my parents’ marriage when my mom found out. Their marriage was pretty awful for most of my childhood, but they seemed to reach a calmer period as I got older. In hindsight, I think my father’s affair was related to grief over the loss of my mom’s parents, with whom he was very close. So, I have empathy for him, but to a point, considering that he had this affair shortly after my mom lost BOTH her parents in a six month stretch. The lousy marriage was hard to grow up with, and the way it ended was hard to tolerate. It took me years of therapy to be able to find a good, stable partner in my DH. My sibling never got there.

It’s hard when kids find out their foundation is hollow. If you stay, OP, think about how you’d defend that to your kids. A one-off affair is one thing; years of deceit, with multiple partners, is another.

All it meant was that he realized life was short and wanted to go out and get some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

Sigh. It’s theoretical in the sense that there’s no harm done at all until the cheater is caught, and while you say the majority ARE caught you really don’t know that, nor do you know how often the cheated on spouse tells the kids about the cheating even in the event of divorce. In short, you don’t know anything - you’re guessing and assuming.

Also, judging from the ridiculous number of posts on DCUM with posters trashing their parents in so many ways, and as I said before so much evidence of DCUM posters doing terrible jobs raising their own kids in so many non-cheating ways, continue to believe that many, many of you live in glass houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Aren't open marriages typically just the last step before divorce? I know a few who tried this and it prolonged the marriage for a time, which isn't a bad thing for some. There is probably a subculture of people out there who make it work, but I think it has to start with a LOT of trust, not as a response to cheating and lying. Esther Perel has a good body of work on this subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

DP - my dad had an affair, which ended my parents’ marriage when my mom found out. Their marriage was pretty awful for most of my childhood, but they seemed to reach a calmer period as I got older. In hindsight, I think my father’s affair was related to grief over the loss of my mom’s parents, with whom he was very close. So, I have empathy for him, but to a point, considering that he had this affair shortly after my mom lost BOTH her parents in a six month stretch. The lousy marriage was hard to grow up with, and the way it ended was hard to tolerate. It took me years of therapy to be able to find a good, stable partner in my DH. My sibling never got there.

It’s hard when kids find out their foundation is hollow. If you stay, OP, think about how you’d defend that to your kids. A one-off affair is one thing; years of deceit, with multiple partners, is another.

All it meant was that he realized life was short and wanted to go out and get some.

Maybe. Some people are capable of more complex reactions and motivations, but whatever, PP.