He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

I realize it is hard to understand someone else's experience as a child of a cheater but try empathy. Cheaters put their own needs first. That's not love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

I realize it is hard to understand someone else's experience as a child of a cheater but try empathy. Cheaters put their own needs first. That's not love.

Cheating has nothing to do with kids. Maybe your parent was just a jerk that’s not because they cheated. It’s because they were a jerk. People can she still loves her kids but that means that they don’t love their spouse …don’t confuse the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get ready for a bunch of crazed posters to start screaming at you about STDs.

My God, this loon is here already?

It's not "screaming" or "crazed" to say first and foremost: OP, please, your kids need you to be healthy no matter what else happens in the marriage. So get tested for STDs tomorrow. Ask for a "full panel" test. It may seem too terrible to confront the idea that your DH might have given you an STD but you need to know because many STDs produce few noticeable symptoms. You're certain about the cheating already, so finding out there is an STD, to be blunt, can't worsen things much more because it won't be the proof of the cheating.

Please ignore this PP who gets jollies from coming onto threads where people are already devastated and making things worse by mocking the idea of STD testing. STDs are on the increase in the past few years and unfortunately you do have to make testing part of your initial "now what" list, for the sake of your kids and yourself. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a troll. If not, I’m sorry

I don’t know how anyone can live like that, especially when you are still having sex.

I found evidence and confronted immediately. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t.

I couldn’t have a marriage where this open policy or don’t ask don’t tell crap was going on. No way.

I am very much not a troll.

What happened when you confronted?

He confessed everything. He had already broken it off. It was a shit show—I tossed him out. He was begging and crying and suicidal. I couldn’t eat or sleep for 3 months. Good times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

I realize it is hard to understand someone else's experience as a child of a cheater but try empathy. Cheaters put their own needs first. That's not love.

Your experience is yours alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

DP. If turning a blind eye means continuing to have sex with a cheater who's also having sex elsewhere--no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get ready for a bunch of crazed posters to start screaming at you about STDs.

My God, this loon is here already?

It's not "screaming" or "crazed" to say first and foremost: OP, please, your kids need you to be healthy no matter what else happens in the marriage. So get tested for STDs tomorrow. Ask for a "full panel" test. It may seem too terrible to confront the idea that your DH might have given you an STD but you need to know because many STDs produce few noticeable symptoms. You're certain about the cheating already, so finding out there is an STD, to be blunt, can't worsen things much more because it won't be the proof of the cheating.

Please ignore this PP who gets jollies from coming onto threads where people are already devastated and making things worse by mocking the idea of STD testing. STDs are on the increase in the past few years and unfortunately you do have to make testing part of your initial "now what" list, for the sake of your kids and yourself. I'm so sorry.

My God, this loon is here already?

Just as I predicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

DP. If turning a blind eye means continuing to have sex with a cheater who's also having sex elsewhere--no thanks.

That’s your choice! I’m not saying anyone should pick one way or another. Just pointing out we all get to decide our own path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

I realize it is hard to understand someone else's experience as a child of a cheater but try empathy. Cheaters put their own needs first. That's not love.

DP. This is what I have seen over and over during the 20 years after I ended my relationship with my cheating spouse. The exact same character flaws that enabled him to cheat and lie about it played out over and over with my kids. He says he loves the kids but he is unable to know their needs and unable to put them first when necessary. When the kids were little this was puzzling and hurtful to them. Now that they are adults, they have come to expect very little from him and, frankly, they think him a bit of a loser.

OP, one of the reasons I ended my relationship with my cheating spouse was that I thought about my daughter - I knew if i wanted her to have the strength to leave an abusive relationship, that I couldn’t raise her in one and that I would have to demonstrate the strength to leave. She was only 5 and heartbroken when he moved out. I never spoke ill of him or explained exactly why we split up, but as she grew older, it became apparent to her that he was seriously flawed. In her young adulthood she became involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. I think one of the things that gave her the strength to end it was knowing that I had done so and we all survived.

Ending the relationship wasn’t the life I envisioned for myself, but I also never envisioned having a serial cheater as a husband. Life is too short for that, and I would prefer to live more authentically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

This has nothing to do with kids. It is about the wife only.

Laughably wrong. Her husband is willfully destroying the family by being a lying, sneaking trash bag who cares more about getting his rocks off with some strange than about his wife OR kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Oh, you're trash. Got it.

[Anonymous]

I waited a long time to confront which was hard. I had specific personal reasons for waiting which would not be relevant to your situation. When I did confront he matter of factly told me it was my fault and he had no intention of stopping.

At this point he has moved out and has almost no contact with his teen kids. The new relationship (new since confrontation) is more exciting.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

This has nothing to do with kids. It is about the wife only.

Laughably wrong. Her husband is willfully destroying the family by being a lying, sneaking trash bag who cares more about getting his rocks off with some strange than about his wife OR kids.

Right? How do you seriously harm the caretaker of somebody you love so much?

[Anonymous]

Is this acceptable to you? Only you can answer that question. The "now what" depends on your answer.