He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

How can you love a person who so disrespects you? He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Your children do not respect you either as they can see his total lack of respect for you.
See the best divorce attorney you can afford and throw him out. Immediately and permanently sever all contact between you and him and him and your children.
Take him for everything he has.

Because every spouse disrespects the other spouse at certain points in a marriage. People can do bad things. For example, hiding financial problems, quitting a job without spousal approval, secretly having an abortion, lying about feelings, addictions, becoming overweight/obese etc. you could technically say in all of these examples that one spouse disrespects the other spouse. It’s up to OP to determine how much value she places on fidelity.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you add finish the last piece of pie and leave it in the fridge while you are at it? You didn't make a vow to not do any of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

How can you love a person who so disrespects you? He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Your children do not respect you either as they can see his total lack of respect for you.
See the best divorce attorney you can afford and throw him out. Immediately and permanently sever all contact between you and him and him and your children.
Take him for everything he has.

Sadly courts don't care and you don't get much additional for cheating. You can either open up the marriage and still be lovers, be good housemates who share income, or divorce and be single

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

How can you love a person who so disrespects you? He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Your children do not respect you either as they can see his total lack of respect for you.
See the best divorce attorney you can afford and throw him out. Immediately and permanently sever all contact between you and him and him and your children.
Take him for everything he has.

Because every spouse disrespects the other spouse at certain points in a marriage. People can do bad things. For example, hiding financial problems, quitting a job without spousal approval, secretly having an abortion, lying about feelings, addictions, becoming overweight/obese etc. you could technically say in all of these examples that one spouse disrespects the other spouse. It’s up to OP to determine how much value she places on fidelity.

Equating gaining weight with this list is a bit much don’t you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

How can you love a person who so disrespects you? He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Your children do not respect you either as they can see his total lack of respect for you.
See the best divorce attorney you can afford and throw him out. Immediately and permanently sever all contact between you and him and him and your children.
Take him for everything he has.

Because every spouse disrespects the other spouse at certain points in a marriage. People can do bad things. For example, hiding financial problems, quitting a job without spousal approval, secretly having an abortion, lying about feelings, addictions, becoming overweight/obese etc. you could technically say in all of these examples that one spouse disrespects the other spouse. It’s up to OP to determine how much value she places on fidelity.

Equating gaining weight with this list is a bit much don’t you think?

None of those other scenarios could actually kill a person-- like exposing your spouse to a deadly STI you contracted from someone outside the marriage and didn't get consent from your spouse for non-monogamy before infecting them.

[Anonymous]

Op, how are you? Thinking of you on Xmas eve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a divorce, don't get a divorce. I personally would not leave over cheating if I was happy (and I am divorced...I am happy divorced, but I don't think you would be.) I had a bad marriage. If I was happy, I would stay...even with cheating. Sex is not the most important thing in marriage.

It's not about sex at all -- you think cheating is about sex???
Not even a little bit.
Men cheat because of the way the other woman makes him feel about himself -- probably a LOT like the way that his wife made him feel when they first got together (you're so hot, you're so funny, you're so smart, etc). The other woman makes him feel like the greatest guy ever, she dotes on him and makes everything All. About. Him.

And he thinks this other woman is just about perfect (even if she's uglier, older or fatter than his wife) because again, she's making HIM feel like a rock star, she doesn't nag him about plunging the toilet or tell him how to dress, she loves him just the way he is because he's PERFECT... blah, blah, blah.

That's because the other woman doesn't live with him -- she doesn't know about all of his disgusting habits & irresponsible spending.

It's all about him and how she makes HIM feel -- it's not about sex.

But let's say it was... how can you possibly think you're happy with the knowledge that your husband is lying, cheating & most likely gaslighting you??

The disrespect & deception alone would never make me trust him again... so how could you ever be "happy" with someone you don't trust? How can you ever be happy with someone with such a clear lack of morals & ethics?

Or are you saying you'd be happy if it was all out on the table... no more lying & he can cheat with whomever he wants??

[Anonymous]

Well OP, I'm not sure if you've seen this when it was originally posted, so please excuse me if you have (27+ pages!).
You've made it onto Jeff's web log where he comments & reviews the most popular threads.

To read the whole review, click link below... but I LOVE that he added his personal feelings about you, and he's clearly on your side. Hope this makes your day! 🩷


He's a quick little blurb from it.
As the thread evolved, the original poster's attitude changed considerably. She disclosed that she was meeting with divorce lawyers and had hired a private investigator. She has started getting her ducks in a row and had a list of things she hoped to accomplish prior to confronting her husband. The original poster strikes me as very well organized and thoughtful and appears to be planning an ambush on her husband that will be simply incredible. I would say that she is going to come down on him like a ton of rocks, but realistically a ton of rocks would feel like a feather to him comparatively. I hadn't read this thread until just now, but I have to admit that I hope the original poster will follow-up with a description of the confrontation when it comes.
Her husband is going to have a very bad day.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2022/12/18/update121822

[Anonymous]

You must have low self esteem if you are too scared to confront him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a divorce, don't get a divorce. I personally would not leave over cheating if I was happy (and I am divorced...I am happy divorced, but I don't think you would be.) I had a bad marriage. If I was happy, I would stay...even with cheating. Sex is not the most important thing in marriage.

It's not about sex at all -- you think cheating is about sex???
Not even a little bit.
Men cheat because of the way the other woman makes him feel about himself -- probably a LOT like the way that his wife made him feel when they first got together (you're so hot, you're so funny, you're so smart, etc). The other woman makes him feel like the greatest guy ever, she dotes on him and makes everything All. About. Him.

And he thinks this other woman is just about perfect (even if she's uglier, older or fatter than his wife) because again, she's making HIM feel like a rock star, she doesn't nag him about plunging the toilet or tell him how to dress, she loves him just the way he is because he's PERFECT... blah, blah, blah.

That's because the other woman doesn't live with him -- she doesn't know about all of his disgusting habits & irresponsible spending.

It's all about him and how she makes HIM feel -- it's not about sex.

But let's say it was... how can you possibly think you're happy with the knowledge that your husband is lying, cheating & most likely gaslighting you??

The disrespect & deception alone would never make me trust him again... so how could you ever be "happy" with someone you don't trust? How can you ever be happy with someone with such a clear lack of morals & ethics?

Or are you saying you'd be happy if it was all out on the table... no more lying & he can cheat with whomever he wants??

I agree with your take, there was a study done on men who were on ashley Madison and they came to the same conclusion—men often cheat because their egos need boosting and they need validation.

Sometimes men affair down and sometimes they affair up but the dynamic is often the same. Though I think the man might be more likely to be tempted show off his AP (and take her out in public or tell other people , leading to him getting caught) if she’s prettier, younger, and talented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

How can you love a person who so disrespects you? He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Your children do not respect you either as they can see his total lack of respect for you.
See the best divorce attorney you can afford and throw him out. Immediately and permanently sever all contact between you and him and him and your children.
Take him for everything he has.

Because every spouse disrespects the other spouse at certain points in a marriage. People can do bad things. For example, hiding financial problems, quitting a job without spousal approval, secretly having an abortion, lying about feelings, addictions, becoming overweight/obese etc. you could technically say in all of these examples that one spouse disrespects the other spouse. It’s up to OP to determine how much value she places on fidelity.

Equating gaining weight with this list is a bit much don’t you think?

None of those other scenarios could actually kill a person-- like exposing your spouse to a deadly STI you contracted from someone outside the marriage and didn't get consent from your spouse for non-monogamy before infecting them.

NP.

You can re define your marriage and remove sexual intercourse from it. Then you would have eliminated the risks of disease, right?

I mean, OP has to decide how badly she wants to stay with this guy. He is not changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a divorce, don't get a divorce. I personally would not leave over cheating if I was happy (and I am divorced...I am happy divorced, but I don't think you would be.) I had a bad marriage. If I was happy, I would stay...even with cheating. Sex is not the most important thing in marriage.

It's not about sex at all -- you think cheating is about sex???
Not even a little bit.
Men cheat because of the way the other woman makes him feel about himself -- probably a LOT like the way that his wife made him feel when they first got together (you're so hot, you're so funny, you're so smart, etc). The other woman makes him feel like the greatest guy ever, she dotes on him and makes everything All. About. Him.

And he thinks this other woman is just about perfect (even if she's uglier, older or fatter than his wife) because again, she's making HIM feel like a rock star, she doesn't nag him about plunging the toilet or tell him how to dress, she loves him just the way he is because he's PERFECT... blah, blah, blah.

That's because the other woman doesn't live with him -- she doesn't know about all of his disgusting habits & irresponsible spending.

It's all about him and how she makes HIM feel -- it's not about sex.

But let's say it was... how can you possibly think you're happy with the knowledge that your husband is lying, cheating & most likely gaslighting you??

The disrespect & deception alone would never make me trust him again... so how could you ever be "happy" with someone you don't trust? How can you ever be happy with someone with such a clear lack of morals & ethics?

Or are you saying you'd be happy if it was all out on the table... no more lying & he can cheat with whomever he wants??

I agree with your take, there was a study done on men who were on ashley Madison and they came to the same conclusion—men often cheat because their egos need boosting and they need validation.

Sometimes men affair down and sometimes they affair up but the dynamic is often the same. Though I think the man might be more likely to be tempted show off his AP (and take her out in public or tell other people , leading to him getting caught) if she’s prettier, younger, and talented.

They are old hags on there. Affair down is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

How can you love a person who so disrespects you? He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Your children do not respect you either as they can see his total lack of respect for you.
See the best divorce attorney you can afford and throw him out. Immediately and permanently sever all contact between you and him and him and your children.
Take him for everything he has.

Because every spouse disrespects the other spouse at certain points in a marriage. People can do bad things. For example, hiding financial problems, quitting a job without spousal approval, secretly having an abortion, lying about feelings, addictions, becoming overweight/obese etc. you could technically say in all of these examples that one spouse disrespects the other spouse. It’s up to OP to determine how much value she places on fidelity.

Equating gaining weight with this list is a bit much don’t you think?

NP and I’m in total agreement with you regarding the weight gain!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a divorce, don't get a divorce. I personally would not leave over cheating if I was happy (and I am divorced...I am happy divorced, but I don't think you would be.) I had a bad marriage. If I was happy, I would stay...even with cheating. Sex is not the most important thing in marriage.

It's not about sex at all -- you think cheating is about sex???
Not even a little bit.
Men cheat because of the way the other woman makes him feel about himself -- probably a LOT like the way that his wife made him feel when they first got together (you're so hot, you're so funny, you're so smart, etc). The other woman makes him feel like the greatest guy ever, she dotes on him and makes everything All. About. Him.

And he thinks this other woman is just about perfect (even if she's uglier, older or fatter than his wife) because again, she's making HIM feel like a rock star, she doesn't nag him about plunging the toilet or tell him how to dress, she loves him just the way he is because he's PERFECT... blah, blah, blah.

That's because the other woman doesn't live with him -- she doesn't know about all of his disgusting habits & irresponsible spending.

It's all about him and how she makes HIM feel -- it's not about sex.

But let's say it was... how can you possibly think you're happy with the knowledge that your husband is lying, cheating & most likely gaslighting you??

The disrespect & deception alone would never make me trust him again... so how could you ever be "happy" with someone you don't trust? How can you ever be happy with someone with such a clear lack of morals & ethics?

Or are you saying you'd be happy if it was all out on the table... no more lying & he can cheat with whomever he wants??

I agree with your take, there was a study done on men who were on ashley Madison and they came to the same conclusion—men often cheat because their egos need boosting and they need validation.

Sometimes men affair down and sometimes they affair up but the dynamic is often the same. Though I think the man might be more likely to be tempted show off his AP (and take her out in public or tell other people , leading to him getting caught) if she’s prettier, younger, and talented.

They are old hags on there. Affair down is real.

Hags or not. They are cheating on their husbands with someone else’s husband. They are not good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a divorce, don't get a divorce. I personally would not leave over cheating if I was happy (and I am divorced...I am happy divorced, but I don't think you would be.) I had a bad marriage. If I was happy, I would stay...even with cheating. Sex is not the most important thing in marriage.

It's not about sex at all -- you think cheating is about sex???
Not even a little bit.
Men cheat because of the way the other woman makes him feel about himself -- probably a LOT like the way that his wife made him feel when they first got together (you're so hot, you're so funny, you're so smart, etc). The other woman makes him feel like the greatest guy ever, she dotes on him and makes everything All. About. Him.

And he thinks this other woman is just about perfect (even if she's uglier, older or fatter than his wife) because again, she's making HIM feel like a rock star, she doesn't nag him about plunging the toilet or tell him how to dress, she loves him just the way he is because he's PERFECT... blah, blah, blah.

That's because the other woman doesn't live with him -- she doesn't know about all of his disgusting habits & irresponsible spending.

It's all about him and how she makes HIM feel -- it's not about sex.

But let's say it was... how can you possibly think you're happy with the knowledge that your husband is lying, cheating & most likely gaslighting you??

The disrespect & deception alone would never make me trust him again... so how could you ever be "happy" with someone you don't trust? How can you ever be happy with someone with such a clear lack of morals & ethics?

Or are you saying you'd be happy if it was all out on the table... no more lying & he can cheat with whomever he wants??

If I was happy with my life, I would not care whether I knew or not.
If I was unhappy (whether there was cheating or not), I would get a divorce.

Divorce does not change the fact that cheating occurred. If you would be less happy divorced, don’t divorce.