He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

[Anonymous]

The usual DCUM response will be to meet with a divorce lawyer tomorrow morning of course.

Honestly, I know more than one couple where they just live with it. It could be because of kids, or because it's not "in their face". What's OK and what's not is your decision.

[Anonymous]

Get ready for a bunch of crazed posters to start screaming at you about STDs.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a troll. If not, I’m sorry

I don’t know how anyone can live like that, especially when you are still having sex.

I found evidence and confronted immediately. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t.

I couldn’t have a marriage where this open policy or don’t ask don’t tell crap was going on. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a troll. If not, I’m sorry

I don’t know how anyone can live like that, especially when you are still having sex.

I found evidence and confronted immediately. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t.

I couldn’t have a marriage where this open policy or don’t ask don’t tell crap was going on. No way.

I am very much not a troll.

What happened when you confronted?

[Anonymous]

Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. You will be ok, no matter what. Talk to him. Get counseling. Get tested for STD’s. Your marriage can survive this but only if you both work at it. And the road will be long. But this is NOT about you being a bad wife. Yeah, you probably contributed to some negative dynamic in your marriage. It always takes two. But him cheating is not your fault. That was his decision and his fault alone.

I’ll be praying for you.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want a divorce, don't get a divorce. I personally would not leave over cheating if I was happy (and I am divorced...I am happy divorced, but I don't think you would be.) I had a bad marriage. If I was happy, I would stay...even with cheating. Sex is not the most important thing in marriage.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a troll. If not, I’m sorry

I don’t know how anyone can live like that, especially when you are still having sex.

I found evidence and confronted immediately. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t.

I couldn’t have a marriage where this open policy or don’t ask don’t tell crap was going on. No way.

Well, that is you. Not everyone is like you. There are worse things in a marriage than cheating. People act like this the worst thing ever...it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

This has nothing to do with kids. It is about the wife only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

This has nothing to do with kids. It is about the wife only.

Sorry, not in my experience. Disrespect and deception had a trickle down effect. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to make any decisions tonight. Take a few days or weeks to figure out what you want to do. Some people could turn a blind eye, others would confront, others would immediately file for divorce. You’ll know what’s right for you, but let it sink in a bit first.

When I found out my husband cheated he denied it, and that was a dealbreaker for me. I had undeniable proof too. But we had other serious problems too, and so in a way it was a blessing in disguise. I personally couldn’t let the fact that we had a young kid factor into how I felt, it wasn’t good for me to stay with him. And he wasn’t willing to even admit to the problem, much less do the work to make amends and repair it. Over 10 years later, I have no regrets. But that’s my story and your story might be totally different.

Wishing you the best of luck as you process this and decide what to do, if anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

+1. Or if I confronted I would point out to him the risks he is taking and the harm he is doing to our family and kids but I would not file. Why should I pay for his mistakes?