He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Some people make it very clear in the house they are friends but only parent together. I think I would need this for my sanity. For the children to actually see that mom and dad don't live together in a sexually loving way. I'd need to somehow make the situation honest for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

DP - my dad had an affair, which ended my parents’ marriage when my mom found out. Their marriage was pretty awful for most of my childhood, but they seemed to reach a calmer period as I got older. In hindsight, I think my father’s affair was related to grief over the loss of my mom’s parents, with whom he was very close. So, I have empathy for him, but to a point, considering that he had this affair shortly after my mom lost BOTH her parents in a six month stretch. The lousy marriage was hard to grow up with, and the way it ended was hard to tolerate. It took me years of therapy to be able to find a good, stable partner in my DH. My sibling never got there.

It’s hard when kids find out their foundation is hollow. If you stay, OP, think about how you’d defend that to your kids. A one-off affair is one thing; years of deceit, with multiple partners, is another.

All it meant was that he realized life was short and wanted to go out and get some.

Maybe. Some people are capable of more complex reactions and motivations, but whatever, PP.

So he loved his wife's parents but not her? I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

You are ridiculous. Obviously OP has problems with this. You don't get to just do whatever you want with no effects on others. We get it that cheaters don't think that it matters that much. That's why they do it. But non cheaters do not think this way in the slightest. There were reasons for the vows people made. It was the main reason for being in the marriage verses just being in a relationship. If these are the main reasons why you are in a marriage, of course it affects you.

Except we’re not talking about what non-cheaters think. We’re talking here about whether cheaters can love their kids and be good parents. Which they obviously can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

You are ridiculous. Obviously OP has problems with this. You don't get to just do whatever you want with no effects on others. We get it that cheaters don't think that it matters that much. That's why they do it. But non cheaters do not think this way in the slightest. There were reasons for the vows people made. It was the main reason for being in the marriage verses just being in a relationship. If these are the main reasons why you are in a marriage, of course it affects you.

Except we’re not talking about what non-cheaters think. We’re talking here about whether cheaters can love their kids and be good parents. Which they obviously can.

Umm no. We are talking about OP who is the non-cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It's true. You have to separate the damage of cheating on a marriage versus on a parenting relationship. You can probably be an above average parent and a terrible spouse, but one aspect of parenting that you are failing in modeling a healthy relationship. If your kids do find out, you've set them up for some hard times ahead in their own relationships.

Serial cheating, however, is death to a healthy marriage because of broken trust and respect. It's hard to respect someone who cheats and lies. It's hard to be in partnership with someone you don't respect. Where there is infidelity, there is often financial infidelity. Maybe OP can wrap her head around the flings but if she uncovers how much of the family's finances he has spent in pursuit of other women, she might lose it. For example, what if he spent $5000 on a trip and gifts for his mistress, but they're still not done with the kids' 529 plans?

People stay in unhealthy marriages for all kinds of reasons. I get that an unhealthy marriage may seem better than being a single divorcee to some. I personally don't know anyone who has a healthy marriage after discovering serial cheating, but there are probably examples out there.

You had me until you took the leap that sexual infidelity “often” leads to financial infidelity. You have no way of knowing that. You’re assuming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

Yikes if you think that's all that's involved in being a good parent. A nanny can do all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It's true. You have to separate the damage of cheating on a marriage versus on a parenting relationship. You can probably be an above average parent and a terrible spouse, but one aspect of parenting that you are failing in modeling a healthy relationship. If your kids do find out, you've set them up for some hard times ahead in their own relationships.

Serial cheating, however, is death to a healthy marriage because of broken trust and respect. It's hard to respect someone who cheats and lies. It's hard to be in partnership with someone you don't respect. Where there is infidelity, there is often financial infidelity. Maybe OP can wrap her head around the flings but if she uncovers how much of the family's finances he has spent in pursuit of other women, she might lose it. For example, what if he spent $5000 on a trip and gifts for his mistress, but they're still not done with the kids' 529 plans?

People stay in unhealthy marriages for all kinds of reasons. I get that an unhealthy marriage may seem better than being a single divorcee to some. I personally don't know anyone who has a healthy marriage after discovering serial cheating, but there are probably examples out there.

You had me until you took the leap that sexual infidelity “often” leads to financial infidelity. You have no way of knowing that. You’re assuming.

I'm the PP. I didn't say "often". But I KNOW it does at least sometimes. And sure, since you brought it up, I would assume in the case of men cheating, especially if they are cheating with younger women, that it happens often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

Yikes if you think that's all that's involved in being a good parent. A nanny can do all that.

Lol yep - and lots of posters on DCUM think they’re great parents because they have good nanny’s and send their kids to private schools while they work all the time. You’ve made the cheaters’ point - judge not lest ye be judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been married 20 years but have small children? Explain that? How old are the kids? Do you work?

OP here. Married at 22. Had kids at 34 and 37. Now 42 with an 8 and 5 year old.

Yes, I have always worked. My career required a long period of graduate education and post graduate training, hence having kids in our 30s even though we married in our 20s.

Well OP idk what to tell you. You have a weird family makeup. Most people wouldn't wait that long to start having kids after getting married. I'd venture to guess you have a ton of problems in your marriage and home life that you're blind to.

That is such a mean statement and ridiculous. I can totally see her scenario. It would have been mine if I had married my college boyfriend. I did not want kids before a career was firmly established. Stop being so judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

DP - my dad had an affair, which ended my parents’ marriage when my mom found out. Their marriage was pretty awful for most of my childhood, but they seemed to reach a calmer period as I got older. In hindsight, I think my father’s affair was related to grief over the loss of my mom’s parents, with whom he was very close. So, I have empathy for him, but to a point, considering that he had this affair shortly after my mom lost BOTH her parents in a six month stretch. The lousy marriage was hard to grow up with, and the way it ended was hard to tolerate. It took me years of therapy to be able to find a good, stable partner in my DH. My sibling never got there.

It’s hard when kids find out their foundation is hollow. If you stay, OP, think about how you’d defend that to your kids. A one-off affair is one thing; years of deceit, with multiple partners, is another.

All it meant was that he realized life was short and wanted to go out and get some.

Maybe. Some people are capable of more complex reactions and motivations, but whatever, PP.

So he loved his wife's parents but not her? I don't think so.

LOL - you probably shouldn’t make assumptions about situations you know almost nothing about.

Grief is very weird, PP. Did you ever see the movie Silver Linings Playbook? It had such a thoughtful depiction of that, especially in relationship to sexual desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

Partners with children “harm” each other all the time and in many different ways. You’re ridiculous if you think you can’t do any “harm” to your partner and still be a good parent to or love your children.