He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been with a man for 11 years now who has cheated on me multiple times. I stay because I prefer being with him and this version of a life to the alternative. But I say that while fully realizing I have terrible self-esteem and that a big part of me feels like I'm still trying to win him and I don't want to lose. I'm still trying to prove after all these years that I'm the one he wants. I also don't really have traditional views about monogamy, even though when he cheats I hurt as if I did.

Only you can decide if you want to live this way, and you don't need to decide anything quickly. I can tell you that for the first 7 or so years it was something that really ate at me inside. I'd think about it and experience the feelings of betrayal all over again. I became obsessed with constantly checking on him and figuring out his lies. It wasn't healthy at all.

Now it's not really that painful at all anymore. It's sort of like I have become numb to it. And you know what helped? I had my own dalliance a couple of years ago and it was like light bulbs went off everywhere that yes, it could be just about the allure and excitement of someone new and the fire of fresh physical attraction. It made me see his cheating in a whole new way.

Cue the posters who will say I'm a trash human, but just wanted to give you a different perspective.

I just want to give you a creepy Internet hug and cup of hot chocolate (with a lot of rum?).

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

OP, I am so sorry. Please know that it’s your husband’s actions that would cause this pain to your kids - even though that does not change their experience. I agree with PP who suggested your DH may have sexual addiction issues, if the cheating is as frequent as you suggest with different partners. Whether or not that’s it, he needs therapy to figure out his issues. You need to take a step back and give yourself time to figure out what you really want. Confronting your DH and telling him right away that you want yo reconcile gives him all the power and no reason to change his behavior. Don’t offer that right away. Go to survivinginfidelity.com for great advice from people who have been there. Most of all, know that you deserve much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. Yes

OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

NP - first, I’m so sorry, OP.

Second, I want to gently challenge you on the not wanting your children to grow up with divorced parents thing. Divorce is painful for kids (my parents eventually divorced after decades of a terrible marriage); so is growing up with unhappily married parents. It’s painful to see one parent treating the other like garbage. It’s hard not to internalize that. You don’t have to do anything this instant, and I would recommend NOT doing anything drastic this instant, but it’s absolutely worth getting a therapist and figuring out your next steps.

Hugs and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one who has sorta resigned myself to living with a cheating man. I don't know that I'd call it sex addiction, more like his hobby. Like trying all the flavors in the rainbow and the thrill of the hunt. This is in regards to the type of cheating mine and yours is doing -- hookups, not relationships. I stay because he still gives me butterflies and because I'm attracted to very few people. I take the approach of I'm content as long as he's fulfilling my sexual and emotional needs. Sometimes he turns me down or seems low-drive, and that's when I get angry and anxious. But that's rare so I live with it.

I will also say that, even though this doesn't make sense to most women, you can't make any pronouncements about the depth of his love for you and your kids based on his cheating. All cheaters assume they won't get caught, and base their actions on that. If you do confront him, the guilt of causing you pain might make him stop his activities for a while, but eventually once you settle back into a routine, he'll look for that excitement again, this time with better opsec.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

NP. You are obviously a cheater. You can love your kids and cheat because you are selfish and broken, but only a narcissist believes it is between the cheater and spouse. Cheating definitely results in broken homes and families and kids who see each parent at best 50% of the time - it blows up the kids’ world. At a minimum, tge cheater is taking away time that could be didn’t with kids.

Only if you actually divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been with a man for 11 years now who has cheated on me multiple times. I stay because I prefer being with him and this version of a life to the alternative. But I say that while fully realizing I have terrible self-esteem and that a big part of me feels like I'm still trying to win him and I don't want to lose. I'm still trying to prove after all these years that I'm the one he wants. I also don't really have traditional views about monogamy, even though when he cheats I hurt as if I did.

Only you can decide if you want to live this way, and you don't need to decide anything quickly. I can tell you that for the first 7 or so years it was something that really ate at me inside. I'd think about it and experience the feelings of betrayal all over again. I became obsessed with constantly checking on him and figuring out his lies. It wasn't healthy at all.

Now it's not really that painful at all anymore. It's sort of like I have become numb to it. And you know what helped? I had my own dalliance a couple of years ago and it was like light bulbs went off everywhere that yes, it could be just about the allure and excitement of someone new and the fire of fresh physical attraction. It made me see his cheating in a whole new way.

Cue the posters who will say I'm a trash human, but just wanted to give you a different perspective.

Please consider that your supposedly unconventional ideas about non monogamy are a result of your low self esteem and serve to reinforce it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

OP, I am so sorry. Please know that it’s your husband’s actions that would cause this pain to your kids - even though that does not change their experience. I agree with PP who suggested your DH may have sexual addiction issues, if the cheating is as frequent as you suggest with different partners. Whether or not that’s it, he needs therapy to figure out his issues. You need to take a step back and give yourself time to figure out what you really want. Confronting your DH and telling him right away that you want yo reconcile gives him all the power and no reason to change his behavior. Don’t offer that right away. Go to survivinginfidelity.com for great advice from people who have been there. Most of all, know that you deserve much better.

NP but I agree with the post above. OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can completely relate as I'm smack in the middle of a very similar situation. My first tip is to be very careful with who you share this information with. You have to trust them not to hate your husband if you decide to work through it. When I found out, I told 2 close friends and their immediate reaction was to divorce and take him for all he's worth. Clearly we are very different people and characters and that is not something I wanted to do. Now they act cold towards him and I regret telling them in the first place.

Like you, I don't want my kids growing up with divorced parents. We've work hard to build a strong family life over the past 15+ years and it kills me to throw it all away. Honestly, I think it's going to take a long time to know where to go from here. One day I'm so angry I can't look at him, the next I'm thinking of all the good times we've had together and can't live without him. It's a whirlwind. Get a therapist and talk to a divorce attorney, just to get a sense of what can happen if you go that route. (most offer free consultations). and yes, get tested for STDS

[Anonymous]

Life is long. Most marriages face something like this but society still stigmatizes it. No one can tell you whether you two can make it work from here but please know this is just another (crappy) part of being human. You will all get through this, and your kids will be absolutely fine.

[Anonymous]

Not to minimize, but I am getting all kids of Daphne/Cameron vibes from The White Lotus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know

Actually high percentage he will leave you first

We lived in Europe for a long time and a lot of Europeans just look the other way when it comes to cheating. However in one situation the man ended up impregnating the affair partner and having a child with her. That’s the point at which the marriage gets broken up. I think if I were aware that my husband was having affairs, I always been waiting for that situation to materialize and I would feel like eventually he leaves you

Same here, when I lived in Europe. I had one friend who was in his 20s and was the result of his mother and her AP. The mother stayed married and the husband knew. The AP even showed up to family events -- he was a family friend.

[Anonymous]

Regarding STD tests (and I'm not one who says _run_ to get one post-haste types), you can also get them done at Planned Parenthood or most counties have free sexual health clinics. Here it is for MoCo:
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/HHS-Program/Program.aspx?id=PHS/PHSHIVTesting-p292.html

[Anonymous]

1. Time will lessen this pain. Right now, when you have just discovered it, is the worst.
2. Kids are flexible. They will survive, and even thrive after divorce, if you and their father can coparent peacefully.
3. You did nothing to cause this. Your husband made these choices. You are in the same marriage, possibly struggling or lonely. But you did not choose to cheat.
4. When you confront him, even the guy you think is a "good upstanding" guy will lie. Cheaters lie. It's astonishing. So gather proof before you confront. Get your ducks in a row. Consult a lawyer just to consider your options. See a therapist. Gather your thoughts. Rarely do men just roll over and confess.... they get combative, defensive, and lie some more.
5. Cry as much as you need to. This SUCKS.
6. Listen carefully. You are a doctor. You survived medical school, childbirth, raising children while working one of the most challenging careers on earth. You are a badass b. Don't forget it. You can definitely live without a lying scumbag. You can support yourself and your children. Don't ever let him convince you that you deserve to be lied to, cheated on, or walked over. When you lose confidence, envision the herd of women behind you who have walked this unpleasant path before you. We would love to take you out for drinks, and sit around laughing about this stupid sh*t one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

NP. You are obviously a cheater. You can love your kids and cheat because you are selfish and broken, but only a narcissist believes it is between the cheater and spouse. Cheating definitely results in broken homes and families and kids who see each parent at best 50% of the time - it blows up the kids’ world. At a minimum, tge cheater is taking away time that could be didn’t with kids.

Not if the parents don’t get divorced. Then none of what you have outlined occurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

OP, I am so sorry. Please know that it’s your husband’s actions that would cause this pain to your kids - even though that does not change their experience. I agree with PP who suggested your DH may have sexual addiction issues, if the cheating is as frequent as you suggest with different partners. Whether or not that’s it, he needs therapy to figure out his issues. You need to take a step back and give yourself time to figure out what you really want. Confronting your DH and telling him right away that you want yo reconcile gives him all the power and no reason to change his behavior. Don’t offer that right away. Go to survivinginfidelity.com for great advice from people who have been there. Most of all, know that you deserve much better.

NP but I agree with the post above. OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can completely relate as I'm smack in the middle of a very similar situation. My first tip is to be very careful with who you share this information with. You have to trust them not to hate your husband if you decide to work through it. When I found out, I told 2 close friends and their immediate reaction was to divorce and take him for all he's worth. Clearly we are very different people and characters and that is not something I wanted to do. Now they act cold towards him and I regret telling them in the first place.

Like you, I don't want my kids growing up with divorced parents. We've work hard to build a strong family life over the past 15+ years and it kills me to throw it all away. Honestly, I think it's going to take a long time to know where to go from here. One day I'm so angry I can't look at him, the next I'm thinking of all the good times we've had together and can't live without him. It's a whirlwind. Get a therapist and talk to a divorce attorney, just to get a sense of what can happen if you go that route. (most offer free consultations). and yes, get tested for STDS

+1 op sadly this is true to REALLY consider who you tell. My friend had a similar situation, decided to stay and it wreaked havoc on her friendships, sadly. People have a very hard time understanding, I was shocked at how little empathy folks had for our friend (I totally understand op! I would probably be the same as you. fwiw my friend and her spouse seem to be doing very well and I'm very happy for them).

[Anonymous]

OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.