Wedding Woes: would this offend you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the invitation is correct from an etiquette standpoint.
However, if you are Jewish, it's traditional to include the groom's parents. Is this why you are so upset?

We ARE Jewish. Well, except the new DIL who is only converting. Dh and I just feel horrible. Our son said no to us coming to their eloping. It's embarrassing to think our friends and family may ask why we aren't listed on the invite.

Then try to understand that the bride and her mom (who aren't Jewish) probably had no idea that this might offend you.
Since you are the groom's parents, can you host the rehearsal dinner (and pay for it)? That way you can send out your own invitations and invite anyone you'd like?

I think that this probably all boils down to a difference in cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the invitation is correct from an etiquette standpoint.
However, if you are Jewish, it's traditional to include the groom's parents. Is this why you are so upset?

We ARE Jewish. Well, except the new DIL who is only converting. Dh and I just feel horrible. Our son said no to us coming to their eloping. It's embarrassing to think our friends and family may ask why we aren't listed on the invite.

Ouch. Sweetie, you are headed for heartbreak that will make this look like a walk in the park. Get a grip. Stop worrying about what your friends think and start worrying about your future relationship with your son, DIL, and grandchildren. They hold ALL the cards now; better act accordingly if you want to have a relationship with them.

BTDT. Though not Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Your son is about to start his life with the woman he loves and wants to share that with you. And all you can focus on is what your friends and family will think about some invitation that they'll look at for 30 seconds.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the tradition is that whoever is paying - traditionally the bride's family - is hosting. They're already going out of their way to accommodate your wishes. Did you really refuse to pay for anything?

We gave them about $1500, which my son said covers a little less than half of one of the events. But, we also had to pay to re-new our passports, buy clothing for the weekend, pay to fly across the country and into Mexico, pay for the hotel, pay for all the meals not included in the wedding. Plus our other child is out of work, and so our son is paying to fly her to Mexico and back, and we are paying for her hotel room plus for her passport and meals while there.

Hi, Mom. Unfortunately, the etiquette here is correct, especially if the bride's family is not Jewish and doesn't know of the tradition in Jewish culture. My parents helped with our wedding, but DH and I paid the bulk of it so only our names were on the invitation. I know they were upset, but it wasn't my parents inviting anyone, since it wasn't an event that they were hosting.

As for the costs that you are paying, I paid that amount for my brother's wedding a few years back. Thrown in bridal showers, bachelor party (my DH was in the wedding party), travel to a resort, babysitter for our infant, rental car, bridesmaid dress and tux rental, plus shower and wedding gifts. Literally, I spent close to $6,000 on my brother's wedding and I had nothing at all to do with organizing or paying for the wedding! That's just the reality sometimes.

I can appreciate that you are sad, but i think humiliated is probably a strong word. Focus on the happiness of the occasion. Focus on being thrilled that your future DIL loves your son enough to convert - that's a pretty big deal. Welcome this marriage, or as others indicated, it's not a good start to a lifetime of in-laws and grandchildren.

Mazel Tov!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully, OP. You're laying the foundation of your relationship with DS and DIL for the rest of your lives. Be warm, happy, and generous of spirit. Don't be a PITA, and don't let your pride needlessly cause discord. At what sounds like significant financial cost to himself and future in-laws, your son agreed to have a wedding that he and his bride didn't want just to please you. Hold that thought in your heart and let the rest roll off.

OP, if I were your son, I'd have said to you, "If you'd like us to have a traditional wedding, are you prepared to pay for it?" When you said no, I'd have responded, "Then sorry, we're going to elope as planned." If you complained, I'd have told you to stuff it. But your son didn't - he did what you wanted, and now you're getting on him because you don't like the invitations? Way to lose the forest for the trees.

From your follow-up posts, you seem to be much more concerned about what your friends will think of you, rather than your son's happiness, or your relationship with your future DIL and her (now your) family. You are setting yourself up for a boatload of trouble down the road. You can turn this around, but you have to do it quickly, and it's not a one-time thing - no matter what you do here, you and your DH have a selfish attitude that you are going to have to get over for good if you want to have a happy relationship with your son in the future.

Let me put it in selfish terms that may be easier for you to understand: your future DIL will have a significant say in your access to your son and grandchildren. Bear that in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son moved across the country, met a girl, they moved in together, and are now engaged. They originally wanted to elope, but I told my son that I would be very upset to not get to be present at my child's wedding. So now they are having a destination wedding in Mexico. A dinner for just the two families Thursday night, a welcome dinner for everyone Friday night, wedding Saturday night, brunch Sunday morning. They hired a wedding planner, which I had assumed meant that everything would be done according to the manners we are all used to.

Invitations went out. They say the bride's parents would like you to join them to celebrate as their daughter marries M______ (my son). No mention of myself or my husband. When DH and I brought this up to our son, he said that he asked if we wanted to contribute by paying for either of the dinners or the brunch, and because we're not, then we are not "hosting" the wedding, and her parents and he are paying for everything, which is why they are on the invite. DH is saying he has never been so humiliated before in his life. Our son also said, isn't it enough that we're having a wedding you can attend instead of eloping like we wanted to? So did he have us left off the invite as payback for me asking that they not elope?

OP, to answer your original question, no, this would not "offend" me. What I would feel, if I paused to do a little self-reflection, is very proud that I raised a son who is gracious, thoughtful and mature, even though he was raised by parents who obviously can act like self-centered horse's asses. Further, I would do nothing more until I had apologized to said son and future DIL for this incident, recognizing that she will hold the key to how much contact I have with my son and grandchildren in the future.Because trust me, if you continue to test your son on matters like this, he will side with his wife -- as well he should.

I think there is a reason that he now lives across the country.

[Anonymous]

You gave them $1,500 and you expect to have a serious say this matter??!! Lady, are you always this cheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the invitation is correct from an etiquette standpoint.
However, if you are Jewish, it's traditional to include the groom's parents. Is this why you are so upset?

We ARE Jewish. Well, except the new DIL who is only converting. Dh and I just feel horrible. Our son said no to us coming to their eloping. It's embarrassing to think our friends and family may ask why we aren't listed on the invite.

Friends and family shouldn't ask OP about the invitation's wording. If they do, come up with something very neutral to say, like: "Robbie and Jenny chose those, I love the flower detail." or whatever. OP don't let your feelings be hurt! Don't be embarrassed. Time to start fresh with your relationship with DS and your future DIL.

[Anonymous]

this is very traditional. i wouldnt be upset.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you a troll?

[Anonymous]

You really care about this? Really? I find that obnoxious. I would never do this to my kids. Just be glad they accommodated you by inviting you. I am surprised they haven't rescinded the invitation, frankly, as who would want a mad pill at their wedding. THEIR wedding. Not much to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I agree with everyone that op is acting self-centered and needs to change course with her son and DIL, ASAP.

In fairness, I do feel for you, OP.

I'm Jewish, and had to make a lot of concessions to my inlaws around the wedding that made me crazy. I'm glad I gave into them early on (opposite what is usually advised on this site). I knew certain things meant a lot more to them than it did to me, so I begrudgingly caved a lot. But now we have a great relationship.

I think the Jewish culture is heavily focused on tradition. To the PPs that said her friends shouldn't matter...if they're anything like my MIL's, they'll talk. OP, without gossiping or trash talking, if asked about it you can let them know that there are some differences in the traditions that your and DIL's families are used to, but that your thrilled that your two families are now united. Yadda yadda yadda...

I also think you should explain (calmly) to your son why you were so sensitive about this and other wedding related stuff. He might not realize how uncomfortable it feels for you/him to break tradition. But then back off. For everyone's sake.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry your son moved so far away from you. I am sorry you were not included in the invitation. It sounds like your son is trying to keep several people happy. He wanted to keep you happy by not eloping. He is trying to keep his future wife and her happy by honoring their traditions too. (He is in a tight spot when traditions conflict/collide. I am thinking that his future MIL might not be pleased about her daughter converting to a different religion. Did she convert because of your son or was she in the process of converting prior to meeting your son? Would you rather have your names on the invitation or have your DIL not convert to Judaism?)

Are you and your husband on very limited budgets? If so that would explain the $1500 contribution to the wedding parties. However, you have not indicated this. Even if your son and his fiancee did not choose a destination wedding, you would have had hotel and airfare costs.

If you are not on limited budgets, I would pay for all of your other daughter's expenses and offer to pay for more of the other expenses - don't nickel and dime of you have the means.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like my mother. There is a reason I changed continents and now live across the pond!!!

I love my MIL, on the other hand. She is usually rather hands-off, and when she criticizes, it is always in a constructive way.

Now is the time to change if you want to enjoy your grandchildren. And please do not deluge your DIL with "well-meant" comments when she becomes pregnant and gives birth. Visit when it is convenient, don't force your way into the hospital. Accept that she will parent her children in a completely different way than you parented yours. And so on and so forth...

[Anonymous]

As a wedding present, please simply tell your DIL about DCUM. She'll need a place to come to vent and solicit support for her overly demanding MIL...