Wedding Woes: would this offend you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her parents are paying for it, they should be the ones on the invite. For our wedding, we paid for most of it with both of our parents making small contributions. We put both of their names on the invite.

+1

You can do it the old-fashioned way, "Mary and Robert Jones request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Carol Marie to Brian Adam, son of Nancy and Peter Fisher" or the modern way, "Carol Marie Jones and Brian Adam Fisher, together with their parents, request the honor of your presence at their wedding on blah blah day."

Traditionally the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, right?

Usually plus they pick up the bar bill. I like the old-fashioned first invite. I've received variations of both for all combinations in the USA of Protestant/Catholic/Jewish. Highly unusual so people of any faith might be talking. The destination wedding itself will be viewed to all but the closest as a gift grab that they will not be attending [assuming every existing friend or relative was invited]. The location will be more irritation and many won't even notice the groom parents were not on the invite.

Maybe for the old-fashioned it is, but many people don't consider a destination wedding to be a "gift grab" Like any other wedding I am invited to, I make a decision based on my relationship with the couple, my availability, and my budget. The fact I am being invited means that the couple would like to share their special celebration with me. If I can or can't attend, I always send a gift through the gift registry anyway prior to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the last two PP's are the OP sock-puppeting.

I am a different poster, not the OP sock puppeting as Jeff can confirm (not that it's that deep for me). You can talk about my religious/cultural differences all you want but the simple fact is that the OP is hurt by her omission from the invitation. So clearly I am not the only one with these expectations. If my parents wanted their names on that card it would be there regardless of what they paid. How much money and time and effort did they spend to raise their son?

The host of a celebration issues the invitation to the event. If you are not paying for the event, by definition you are not the host.

The guests are not being invited to the "raising of the groom" but if they were, then sure, his parents would issue that invitation. Not the case here, where they are being invited to the *wedding*. Whoever is hosting the wedding, meaning, paying for the locale, the food and drink, decorations, etc., issues the invitation. Others are, by definition, guests.

OP, you need to step back and re-think what you are expressing to your son and future DIL. You are putting your relationships with their family, including future children, in jeopardy here.

[Anonymous]

Invitations went out. They say the bride's parents would like you to join them to celebrate as their daughter marries M______ (my son). No mention of myself or my husband. When DH and I brought this up to our son, he said that he asked if we wanted to contribute by paying for either of the dinners or the brunch, and because we're not, then we are not "hosting" the wedding, and her parents and he are paying for everything, which is why they are on the invite. DH is saying he has never been so humiliated before in his life. Our son also said, isn't it enough that we're having a wedding you can attend instead of eloping like we wanted to? So did he have us left off the invite as payback for me asking that they not elope?

OP, I just reread your post and paid closer attention to the actual question you asked-- Was it payback by your son? Most of us have answered the unasked question, Do you have a right to be upset about your names being left off the invitation? (I was the tread carefully poster on the first page who cautioned that you are laying the foundation of your future relationship with your son and DIL.) I think your actual question deserves an answer.

When did you find out your names were not on the invitations and when did you have the conversation with your son described in the opening post? If your discovery about the names was after the invitations were sent (or at least printed) and the conversation took place subsequent to that, then there's clearly no ulterior "payback" motive. All these pages of responses should have convinced you that most people consider tradition to be bride's parents the hosts and the only ones named on the invitation, with a modern variation being that the major funders of the wedding may also be considered hosts and named on the invitation. If that is not true in Jewish wedding tradition, I am sure that the bride and her parents don't know that, and it's the bride and her mother who usually do the invitations. (This is not a task many grooms are intimately involved with.) Your son was probably just describing the general thinking behind the invitations. There is no slight, and so no reason to take offense. I can maybe see feeling a little embarrassed if you think your Jewish friends (who share your wedding invitation tradition) will make assumptions based on the invitation wording, but then they're not really your friends, are they? In any case, you should not feel embarrassed, OP. You contributed financially what you could, your son loves you enough to change his wedding plans, your son values the faith you raised him with enough to convince a non-Jew to convert for him, your DIL loves your son enough to convert for him, and her parents love her enough to accept your son as member of their family, as evidence by their hosting of the wedding. That's a lot of love and good will going around, OP. Do you and your husband want to be the only exception to that?

If, however, you knew about the name issue ahead of time, made your feelings known, and the conversation with your son took place while there was still time to amend the invitations, then there is a possibility of payback, I suppose, but still seems unlikely. More likely, they probably just felt like using the more common practice noted by all the respondents to this thread. Heck, they may have seen the invitation wording as a way to soothe her parents' sense of loss at their daughter leaving her (their) faith to marry your son. But even if it is payback, then: You should not feel embarrassed. You contributed financially what you could, your son loves you enough to change his wedding plans, your son values the faith you raised him with enough to convince a non-Jew to convert for him, your DIL loves your son enough to convert for him, and her parents love her enough to accept your son as member of their family, as evidence by their hosting of the wedding. That's a lot of love and good will going around, OP. Do you and your husband want to be the only exception to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son moved across the country, met a girl, they moved in together, and are now engaged. They originally wanted to elope, but I told my son that I would be very upset to not get to be present at my child's wedding. So now they are having a destination wedding in Mexico. A dinner for just the two families Thursday night, a welcome dinner for everyone Friday night, wedding Saturday night, brunch Sunday morning. They hired a wedding planner, which I had assumed meant that everything would be done according to the manners we are all used to.

Invitations went out. They say the bride's parents would like you to join them to celebrate as their daughter marries M______ (my son). No mention of myself or my husband. When DH and I brought this up to our son, he said that he asked if we wanted to contribute by paying for either of the dinners or the brunch, and because we're not, then we are not "hosting" the wedding, and her parents and he are paying for everything, which is why they are on the invite. DH is saying he has never been so humiliated before in his life. Our son also said, isn't it enough that we're having a wedding you can attend instead of eloping like we wanted to? So did he have us left off the invite as payback for me asking that they not elope?

It would offend me, but it's the correct invitation wording manners according to google searches and wedding websites and such so you can't really say much about it. As a bride trying to pick invitations, I learned that depending on who's contributing to the wedding, it's worded a certain way. I disagree with it because I think it shouldn't be about who's paying what, but it seems that's the general rule. Of course, your son coudl have chosen not to go with that rule.