Wedding Woes: would this offend you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

Everyone attending the wedding, including the bride's parents who are also paying for the wedding, are also incurring this expense. It's not unique to you (I'm the PP who spent nearly $6K on my brother's wedding).

I am sorry you're hurt, but please for everyone's sake including the good of the long-term relationships, accept that you are incorrect here and let it go.

I understand that everyone is incurring the costs to go to the wedding of course. My point in mentioning the expenses of flights, hotel, etc., is that in our budget that is something we have to plan for. I've never attended a "destination wedding" before. All the weddings we have been to have been local, or at least no more than 4 hours driving. If it wasn't our son who was getting married, we would have just RSVP'd that we wouldn't be able to attend. We gave them $1500 because that is what we can afford to give. It doesn't matter how much the wedding costs or whether they choose the most expensive or least expensive flowers, etc. We can't give more than we can afford. Our daughter told us she doesn't think she's getting married and that we could roll her wedding fund over to her brother, but we never had a wedding fund for her to begin with. If you have never had to scrimp, save, and budget, then you have no idea how stressful it feels to spend as much as we are on this wedding. The children are not having a rehearsal dinner. Just a dinner for the two immediate families, and the next night a welcome dinner for everyone, including the rabbi. Of course they are free to use the $1500 towards whatever event works best for them. We gave as much as we could comfortably afford.

This is all fine and reasonable. Though, if you don't expect to pay for a wedding for your daughter, you will have to face your friend's opinions and thoughts then too.

However, given all you say, why for the love of g-d, can't you just be happy for your son and thankful it's all working out for a nice event and get over some invitation wording?!

Truthfully, I just don't get this at all.

I am Jewish, my DH not, we got married on our own, had a party after. Our parents both paid a lot, we paid a lot, the invite wasn't traditional, it was all kind of different and weird, and we all had a blast. We actually all like each other and enjoyed the time together. Who cares about the rest of it OP. Let it go and enjoy what you've got.

[Anonymous]

Just be happy for them, OP. You are setting yourself up for a horrible relationship by focusing on this.

[Anonymous]

Oh. My. AAAAAAAAHHHH. Clearly, you just want to make this all about you. I posted upthread and said that I've been married 16 years. I swear you are my MIL twin; no matter what, this is all about you and your feelings. Forget that your son is celebrating finding his true love and beginning a new family. You just won't let it go.

Honestly, your son should have just eloped and saved himself the heartache, drama and trauma of staring off a marriage with a shrew of a mom and MIL.

This is WHY couples elope and its changed my mind completely on the subject. Yous son is a good man.

[Anonymous]

Though, if you don't expect to pay for a wedding for your daughter, you will have to face your friend's opinions and thoughts then too.

She says she's not getting married at all, so it's a non-issue. I've already been asked why I think she's not marrying. If it changes, then we'll deal with that when it comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Though, if you don't expect to pay for a wedding for your daughter, you will have to face your friend's opinions and thoughts then too.

She says she's not getting married at all, so it's a non-issue. I've already been asked why I think she's not marrying. If it changes, then we'll deal with that when it comes.

Okay. But whatever. That wasn't the point. The point was why can't you just be happy for your son ... a kid who clearly somehow (and I am honestly questioning how based on this thread) came out pretty good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

Everyone attending the wedding, including the bride's parents who are also paying for the wedding, are also incurring this expense. It's not unique to you (I'm the PP who spent nearly $6K on my brother's wedding).

I am sorry you're hurt, but please for everyone's sake including the good of the long-term relationships, accept that you are incorrect here and let it go.

I understand that everyone is incurring the costs to go to the wedding of course. My point in mentioning the expenses of flights, hotel, etc., is that in our budget that is something we have to plan for. I've never attended a "destination wedding" before. All the weddings we have been to have been local, or at least no more than 4 hours driving. If it wasn't our son who was getting married, we would have just RSVP'd that we wouldn't be able to attend. We gave them $1500 because that is what we can afford to give. It doesn't matter how much the wedding costs or whether they choose the most expensive or least expensive flowers, etc. We can't give more than we can afford. Our daughter told us she doesn't think she's getting married and that we could roll her wedding fund over to her brother, but we never had a wedding fund for her to begin with. If you have never had to scrimp, save, and budget, then you have no idea how stressful it feels to spend as much as we are on this wedding. The children are not having a rehearsal dinner. Just a dinner for the two immediate families, and the next night a welcome dinner for everyone, including the rabbi. Of course they are free to use the $1500 towards whatever event works best for them. We gave as much as we could comfortably afford.

But why does the above, which is all valid of course, mean that they should put your name on the invitation? None of this is salient to WHY THEY SHOULD PUT YOUR NAME ON THE INVITATION.

[Anonymous]

At least this story gives the rest of us a clear lesson in how not to behave when our sons and daughters get married. Good grief, I'm embarrassed for you, OP. Not because your names aren't on the invitation, but because you're behaving so childishly. You'd better hope, for your sake, that your future DIL (who's CONVERTING TO JUDAISM, for pete's sake!) has no clue how petty and selfish you are being right now. Otherwise, my odds on a continuing relationship between you and your son are low. Use this as a clear wake-up call to treat your kids with more respect and less attitude. I certainly plan to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least this story gives the rest of us a clear lesson in how not to behave when our sons and daughters get married. Good grief, I'm embarrassed for you, OP. Not because your names aren't on the invitation, but because you're behaving so childishly. You'd better hope, for your sake, that your future DIL (who's CONVERTING TO JUDAISM, for pete's sake!) has no clue how petty and selfish you are being right now. Otherwise, my odds on a continuing relationship between you and your son are low. Use this as a clear wake-up call to treat your kids with more respect and less attitude. I certainly plan to.

Oh, and to answer your original question, NO, this wouldn't offend me. (Fellow Jewish mom here.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

Everyone attending the wedding, including the bride's parents who are also paying for the wedding, are also incurring this expense. It's not unique to you (I'm the PP who spent nearly $6K on my brother's wedding).

I am sorry you're hurt, but please for everyone's sake including the good of the long-term relationships, accept that you are incorrect here and let it go.

I understand that everyone is incurring the costs to go to the wedding of course. My point in mentioning the expenses of flights, hotel, etc., is that in our budget that is something we have to plan for. I've never attended a "destination wedding" before. All the weddings we have been to have been local, or at least no more than 4 hours driving. If it wasn't our son who was getting married, we would have just RSVP'd that we wouldn't be able to attend. We gave them $1500 because that is what we can afford to give. It doesn't matter how much the wedding costs or whether they choose the most expensive or least expensive flowers, etc. We can't give more than we can afford. Our daughter told us she doesn't think she's getting married and that we could roll her wedding fund over to her brother, but we never had a wedding fund for her to begin with. If you have never had to scrimp, save, and budget, then you have no idea how stressful it feels to spend as much as we are on this wedding. The children are not having a rehearsal dinner. Just a dinner for the two immediate families, and the next night a welcome dinner for everyone, including the rabbi. Of course they are free to use the $1500 towards whatever event works best for them. We gave as much as we could comfortably afford.

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

Op, not to jump on you, but I'm really having a hard time understanding why you are hurt. basically, your son wanted to elope, you asked him not to. They complied and decided on a destination wedding. You offered what you could, which is very little, but will attend as a guest. And you're hurt that you aren't listed as hosts on the wedding? Can you see where that is difficult for us to grasp? Are you more embarrassed than hurt, maybe? Maybe embarrassed that your friends will know that you aren't hosting your son's wedding? I'm not being snarky here, I'm really trying to help you disect your feelings and try to figure out where you are coming from - hopefully to help you mend this with your DIL before it gets out of control.

The more I think of it, the more I'm thinking you're just embarrassed that you can't help out more and can't host. And that you really didn't think it through when you asked your son to have a traditional wedding - maybe you just assumed it would be a small, modest affair that you'd be able to help with?

[Anonymous]

OP, think of it this way. Your future DIL's parents ARE forking out a good deal of more money that you to fund this wedding -- that YOU demanded -- and they deserve the credit.

After all, everyone knows that the wording on the invites generally reflects who is paying. Why are you not only demanding a wedding, but also credit for funding it which you don't deserve? If you can't or don't want to fund it, that's fine -- but the wording you suggest implies you are which is not accurate or fair. You want a free ride -- from your kid. Shameful.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may be narcissistic, which would explain your exaggerated fear/resentment of how this situation reflects on you, and your apparent absence of sympathy for your son and DIL's efforts.

Here is a quiz you can take:

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of our beautiful wedding that we (the couple) paid for entirely. We fully expected grief from my family, but dh's family made (and continues to make) my family look perfect! Thanks to demanding, nasty, underhanded mil!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, you may be narcissistic, which would explain your exaggerated fear/resentment of how this situation reflects on you, and your apparent absence of sympathy for your son and DIL's efforts.

Here is a quiz you can take:

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

Aw man, I need to give this quiz to MY mil. . .

[Anonymous]

I ALSO need to quiz my MIL - would love nothing more than to post her identity. UN-believable!

Why wouldn't MILs get this? Are they that "off"? Yikes!

Here's a hint: new woman coming into your family - there are (#) here of you, one of her - DECIDE TO BE A GD HUMAN BEING FOR ONCE! Really.

Is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws did not contribute to the cost of the wedding. My parents paid for the whole thing. Our invitations read "Mr. and Mrs. Brideparents request the pleasure of your company, etc." You're not paying, you're not planning = you're not hosting. And your son is having a wedding in order to make you happy. Your best bet is to be happy.