Wedding Woes: would this offend you?

[Anonymous]

Didn't even invite my MIL to the wedding. Consider yourself lucky, OP. m

[Anonymous]

17:27 - YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP - finding fault with DIL off the bat is NOT a good idea for any MIL! You are looking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

You're not hosting the wedding. Your name does not belong on the invitation in any way, shape, or form.

Question: Are your future DIL's parents paying to host YOUR friends at the wedding in Mexico? (You say your DH is humiliated b/c your friends will see that your names are not on the invitation.) It seems to me that the only way your friends would see the invitation is if your son, future DIL, and future DIL's family are PAYING to include YOUR friends on the guest list, which is extraordinarily generous. And you repay that extraordinary generosity with petulant ingratitude? What kind of monster are you?

If I'm wrong and your friends are not invited (as is typical with destination weddings) then you have a simple way to avoid the "humiliation" ...don't show the invitation to anyone, and don't mention it. If somehow, someone in your circle of friends sees it or receives an invitation and rudely comments on your name bit being included, you simply say the truth, "Phil and I aren't hosting the wedding; Cindy's parents are. Wasn't it lovely of them to include so many of our friends?"

You are 100% wrong and owe your son and future DIL a giant apology.

(BTW, just in case your daughter does get married, if she and her husband pay for the wedding themselves, you will not be included on the invitation, either. Prepare yourself now like a grown up. If you are not throwing the party, the invitations are not from you. It's pretty simple.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the invitation is correct from an etiquette standpoint.
However, if you are Jewish, it's traditional to include the groom's parents. Is this why you are so upset?

We ARE Jewish. Well, except the new DIL who is only converting. Dh and I just feel horrible. Our son said no to us coming to their eloping. It's embarrassing to think our friends and family may ask why we aren't listed on the invite.

If this was posted 5 years ago I would swear you're my MIL. I'm not Jewish. DH is. His parents live across the country and had the same reaction to our wedding invite, when my parents paid for 90% of it (with us paying the other 10%, not them). That was the beginning of my discomfort with my in laws. Why was our wedding invitation about them? And why should I ignore proper etiquette, which I wanted to stick to for our wedding, because of them? My parents who were footing the bill on top of it were not interested in sharing top billing on the invitation. It created a lot of stress. Fast forward to five years later and i can't stand my in laws. Everything is about them. Everything we do hurts their feelings. I don't spend literally every waking moment of a visit with them, and I must not like them enough, their feelings are hurt. We don't fly out for every birthday, christmas, etc and again, it must be because we don't like them enough or think something isn't good enough. It never stops. Tread carefully, MIL, and remember, this wedding is NOT about you, your husband, or your feelings. It's about your son and your new DIL and celebrating their happiness and their decision to spend their lives together.

Ditto. Non-Jewish wife here. EVERYTHING is about my Jewish in-laws. I just want to scream "This is not about you!!!"

[Anonymous]

The son is an adult as is his future wife.

If they really wanted to elope, they would have.

That they went from eloping to a whole weekend wedding affair with multiple events says to me that they as a couple changed their mind not that the OP twisted their arm into it. The OP just said she wanted to attend the wedding. They could have done something very small -just family- locally.

I grew up in this area and never received a wedding invite without both parents being listed. I do not know in every case whose parents paid for what part. I am certain that a few I received that did mention the parents names were solely funded by the couple. I agree with the OP, I would think the invite was odd that the groom's parents names are not included.

[Anonymous]

DH and I paid for our wedding but it never would have occurred to us not to list our parents because they raised us. Is money the only thing that matters? I understand why OP and her DH feel humiliated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I paid for our wedding but it never would have occurred to us not to list our parents because they raised us. Is money the only thing that matters? I understand why OP and her DH feel humiliated.

You understand because that's the way you traditionally think invites should be worded. Ive received enough invites to know that there are many ways to properly write a wedding invite. Many posters have said that according to what they think is tradition, whoever is hosting the wedding (read: paying for it) is on the invite. It has nothing to do with "money being all that matters" and everything to do with the wedding hosts and the couple's perception of what is traditional.

The normal way to react to this would be to not take it personally, but to assume that the bride and her family were of the mindset (like many others) that whoever is paying is the one listed. Particularly since you have a cultural/religiosity difference here, you can't rithtly assume that people who don't know your traditions are going to behave exactly the way you would. A mature response would have been to first, realize its not a big deal because really who looks at an invite longer than enough to read where and when to show up? And secondly, if it really bothered you, maybe mention to your son that you feel a little hurt. He would say "oh my goodness we didn't even realize!" And that would be that.

You obviously have a lot more issues with this than just the invite wording and frankly you sound like you are determineed to have your feelings hurt no matter what. But really, this is such a tiny issue and is so likely not to have been meant as a personal affront I hope you'll let it go.

[Anonymous]

I think the last two PP's are the OP sock-puppeting.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is determined to f*ck with me. I avoid her. Honestly, it did not matter who DH married. She does not know I realize this. Kudos to me for a peaceful life and marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I paid for our wedding but it never would have occurred to us not to list our parents because they raised us. Is money the only thing that matters? I understand why OP and her DH feel humiliated.

"Humiliated"? Really? Chillax. With attitudes like that don't be surprised if you wonder why the grandkids spend so much time with the other grandparents down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I paid for our wedding but it never would have occurred to us not to list our parents because they raised us. Is money the only thing that matters? I understand why OP and her DH feel humiliated.

"Humiliated"? Really? Chillax. With attitudes like that don't be surprised if you wonder why the grandkids spend so much time with the other grandparents down the line.

17:27 again. Oh, that MIL that wasn't invited to the wedding? Also hasn't met her grandchildren. OP doesn't know hardball yet. But just keep pushing and whining. Everybody has a breaking point.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you really need to count your blessings here. I am a Christian married to a Jewish man now for 25 years. I would never have converted to Judaism nor would DH have converted to Christianity. That your future DIL is willing to do so speaks volumes of her willingness to put your faith and culture above those of her family's. She is going to do her best to raise their children in a Jewish home. Aren't you glad that you will be able to share your traditions with your grandchildren? If your daughter is right and does not marry, these may be the ONLY grandchildren you have. You will be their Bubbe. I also suspect that the reason there is no "rehearsal dinner" is to spare your and your husband's pride since that is traditionally hosted by the groom's parents. That welcome dinner with the rabbi? THAT'S the rehearsal dinner. I understand why you are feeling hurt and sad. Weddings being out a lot of feelings, good and bad. You know what would be really loving? If you start telling your immediate family how much you are looking forward to the wedding and start saying nice things about your future in-laws. Then, at the welcome dinner, give a heartfelt toast to your son and his bride on how lucky you both feel to be there and celebrate with them. It will be worth it--you'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the last two PP's are the OP sock-puppeting.

I am a different poster, not the OP sock puppeting as Jeff can confirm (not that it's that deep for me). You can talk about my religious/cultural differences all you want but the simple fact is that the OP is hurt by her omission from the invitation. So clearly I am not the only one with these expectations. If my parents wanted their names on that card it would be there regardless of what they paid. How much money and time and effort did they spend to raise their son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her parents are paying for it, they should be the ones on the invite. For our wedding, we paid for most of it with both of our parents making small contributions. We put both of their names on the invite.

+1

You can do it the old-fashioned way, "Mary and Robert Jones request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Carol Marie to Brian Adam, son of Nancy and Peter Fisher" or the modern way, "Carol Marie Jones and Brian Adam Fisher, together with their parents, request the honor of your presence at their wedding on blah blah day."

Traditionally the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, right?

Usually plus they pick up the bar bill. I like the old-fashioned first invite. I've received variations of both for all combinations in the USA of Protestant/Catholic/Jewish. Highly unusual so people of any faith might be talking. The destination wedding itself will be viewed to all but the closest as a gift grab that they will not be attending [assuming every existing friend or relative was invited]. The location will be more irritation and many won't even notice the groom parents were not on the invite.