Wedding Woes: would this offend you?

[Anonymous]

Our son moved across the country, met a girl, they moved in together, and are now engaged. They originally wanted to elope, but I told my son that I would be very upset to not get to be present at my child's wedding. So now they are having a destination wedding in Mexico. A dinner for just the two families Thursday night, a welcome dinner for everyone Friday night, wedding Saturday night, brunch Sunday morning. They hired a wedding planner, which I had assumed meant that everything would be done according to the manners we are all used to.

Invitations went out. They say the bride's parents would like you to join them to celebrate as their daughter marries M______ (my son). No mention of myself or my husband. When DH and I brought this up to our son, he said that he asked if we wanted to contribute by paying for either of the dinners or the brunch, and because we're not, then we are not "hosting" the wedding, and her parents and he are paying for everything, which is why they are on the invite. DH is saying he has never been so humiliated before in his life. Our son also said, isn't it enough that we're having a wedding you can attend instead of eloping like we wanted to? So did he have us left off the invite as payback for me asking that they not elope?

[Anonymous]

No, the tradition is that whoever is paying - traditionally the bride's family - is hosting. They're already going out of their way to accommodate your wishes. Did you really refuse to pay for anything?

[Anonymous]

Deep breath, Mom, deep breath.

The invitation, as addressed, is 100 percent correct. Traditionally, the bride's parents host the wedding and are "giving the daughter away" ( play along with me) and are announcing that the marriage is taking place. That is all.

When my own parents were married in 1960, my mother's parents sent out the invitations and only their names appeared. When I got married in 1989, my parents were listed, not my future in laws.

Pick up an etiquette book or Google search Emily Post and see for yourself.

Seems like you just are being snarky and this is not the way you want to begin your life as a MIL, is it?

[Anonymous]

If her parents are paying for it, they should be the ones on the invite. For our wedding, we paid for most of it with both of our parents making small contributions. We put both of their names on the invite.

[Anonymous]

I think you miss your son. And you're sad and a little jealous that he's moved on without you. I understand. But the couple hasn't done anything offense-worthy.

[Anonymous]

I had a very formal wedding, paid for entirely by my parents. The invitation said something like:

Mr. and Mrs. Myparents
Request the honor of your presence
At the wedding of their daughter
Larla Emerson
to
Mr. John Smith
Son of
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, Sr.

Actually it was longer than that bc both sets of parents are divorced, but bottom line my DH's parents were acknowledged, while still making it clear that my parents were hosting. This is common where I come from, so I don't blame OP for being upset. I also think her son could have discussed this all with her before sending out the invites. I do think, though, that if OP can afford it, it would have been nice to pay for at least the dinner the night before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, the tradition is that whoever is paying - traditionally the bride's family - is hosting. They're already going out of their way to accommodate your wishes. Did you really refuse to pay for anything?

We gave them about $1500, which my son said covers a little less than half of one of the events. But, we also had to pay to re-new our passports, buy clothing for the weekend, pay to fly across the country and into Mexico, pay for the hotel, pay for all the meals not included in the wedding. Plus our other child is out of work, and so our son is paying to fly her to Mexico and back, and we are paying for her hotel room plus for her passport and meals while there.

[Anonymous]

It would have been much kinder if they'd put you on the invitations. That said, welcome to the downside of male children. Best strategy is to suck it up and be 120% gracious. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the tradition is that whoever is paying - traditionally the bride's family - is hosting. They're already going out of their way to accommodate your wishes. Did you really refuse to pay for anything?

We gave them about $1500, which my son said covers a little less than half of one of the events. But, we also had to pay to re-new our passports, buy clothing for the weekend, pay to fly across the country and into Mexico, pay for the hotel, pay for all the meals not included in the wedding. Plus our other child is out of work, and so our son is paying to fly her to Mexico and back, and we are paying for her hotel room plus for her passport and meals while there.

You need to back off if you don't want to alienate your son and future daughter-in-law. Ask yourself why you are creating so much drama. Maybe it would have been nice for you to be on the invitation, but really, "humiliated"? Your son complied with your wishes and is having a wedding instead of eloping. Be happy. Whatever you do don't descend into the ugliness of counting pennies. Be joyful. There is a reason you wanted a wedding, right? It was to be there to celebrate your son and greet your new daugher-in-law and create a new family. You are threatening to spoil it. Stop worrying about petty stuff; stop looking for offence where none was intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, the tradition is that whoever is paying - traditionally the bride's family - is hosting. They're already going out of their way to accommodate your wishes. Did you really refuse to pay for anything?

I agree, the tradition is that only the bride's parents are listed. When we got married our invitations said "together with our families" - because my divorced parents didn't have to have their names listed together that way.

[Anonymous]

There were no parents names on our invite. I wanted a rhyme. I am glad no one made a big deal even though they were paying for it. I do think I used my parents return address though.

I just looked, yes- my parents names were printed as the return address. Its years later though, no one cares. Don't start drama because my MIL did over something else and I haven't forgotten and I don't like her and I spend as little time with her as possible. My husband can do what he wants but I don't want to be bothered. All over some wedding drama.

[Anonymous]

Tread carefully, OP. You're laying the foundation of your relationship with DS and DIL for the rest of your lives. Be warm, happy, and generous of spirit. Don't be a PITA, and don't let your pride needlessly cause discord. At what sounds like significant financial cost to himself and future in-laws, your son agreed to have a wedding that he and his bride didn't want just to please you. Hold that thought in your heart and let the rest roll off.

[Anonymous]

You should have just let them elope then had a big party for them. You already meddled in their plans, making them change them to what you wanted and now you are complaining about the revised plans. You are very quickly becoming the type of nightmare MIL who will be written about on a discussion board somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully, OP. You're laying the foundation of your relationship with DS and DIL for the rest of your lives. Be warm, happy, and generous of spirit. Don't be a PITA, and don't let your pride needlessly cause discord. At what sounds like significant financial cost to himself and future in-laws, your son agreed to have a wedding that he and his bride didn't want just to please you. Hold that thought in your heart and let the rest roll off.

Listen to this very carefully. You don't your DIL to be pregnant with your first grandchild thinking "gee, my MIL was a pain about the wedding. What is she going to do now?"

Think long-term. Your son and DIL have the right to live their lives as they choose, and if you complain about it, you will find yourself less and less a part of it. Tell your son you are proud of him and how he is living his life, and start saying to yourself, "If he's happy, I am happy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully, OP. You're laying the foundation of your relationship with DS and DIL for the rest of your lives. Be warm, happy, and generous of spirit. Don't be a PITA, and don't let your pride needlessly cause discord. At what sounds like significant financial cost to himself and future in-laws, your son agreed to have a wedding that he and his bride didn't want just to please you. Hold that thought in your heart and let the rest roll off.

+1