Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

No, he doesn't need her consent or an order. As a parent you can do what you want until there is an order. No one is saying that he is not wanted in the other household. Dad is wanting every other weekend as its easy but why agree and make it easy on him. There are no allegations of abuse or neglect, just poor marital behavior. Mom isn't going to get to control what happens on Dad's time. You are setting this up for a horrible custody battle when that money can be better spent on the child.

This is so true. The advice to try to manipulate and control a parent (mother or father!) through a “separation agreement” which isn’t legally enforceable until decree anyway, is just horrible for the child and their environment. Go to court, have a shared custody hearing, set a trial date. Request terms. Why meet the EX & AP on their level? Do the best you can, to give the child a place of emotional well-being and don’t throw away opportunities for financial security with that child too.

Why should the MOTHER go to court, set the trial etc? It seems that dad wants zero expense AND at the same time overnights at his whim. If that's the case, HE should go hire a lawyer with a retainer and take matters to trial. Instead, he just wants her to agree to his terms without spending a cent. And the terms are not good for the child, either.

It literally is free to file for custody. You go to the court and you fill it out. The order is the authority she is seeking that is why she does it, because she isn’t petty AF, and won’t create more drama by pouting about who does what first. You request the court help. You go to the hearing. You don’t have to have a lawyer for everything. You don’t have to have a trial. You can find settlement packets online that walk you through all considerations Stupid people that don’t understand the point and purpose of the law and its enforcement. An order provides mom AND dad with custody or both of them shared. It makes it clear I’d god forbis something horrible happen medically or in an emergency otherwise.

If they (mom and dad) cannot figure it out, a judge will. And rule. Eventually.

Counselors (legal) — my heart goes out to those of you with clients in this area. Good grief.

But there is no word about him offering her any amicable custody arrangement. He just wants the kids overnight once every 2 weeks. She can just as well tell him "no" and not waste time on courts filings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

OP my advice is to:

1. Attend a coparenting course provided by the court, and your STBX do the same as a show of good will between both parents and to draw a line in the sand between custody, visitation, and child support. This is separate from divorce and marital settlement terms.

2. Look for a family therapist. You’re going to need one.

3. Discuss the options of shared custody and be realistic about whether this is something ideal for the child. The age matters; there are recommended strategies and sample schedules uou can look up and info around how this works.

4. Find an attorney that can give you a consultation, even if it is a couple hundred dollars, just to discuss your circumstances and get their opinion on best approach to resolve.

5. Document everything and stay on A+ behavior.

6. Find mental and emotional support for yourself as you prepare for this process. Don’t throw money that you could use for a housekeeper or nanny/education to bicker in court and pay your attornwy $450/hr to sit in court with you and be your therapist. Go to a therapist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

No, he doesn't need her consent or an order. As a parent you can do what you want until there is an order. No one is saying that he is not wanted in the other household. Dad is wanting every other weekend as its easy but why agree and make it easy on him. There are no allegations of abuse or neglect, just poor marital behavior. Mom isn't going to get to control what happens on Dad's time. You are setting this up for a horrible custody battle when that money can be better spent on the child.

This is so true. The advice to try to manipulate and control a parent (mother or father!) through a “separation agreement” which isn’t legally enforceable until decree anyway, is just horrible for the child and their environment. Go to court, have a shared custody hearing, set a trial date. Request terms. Why meet the EX & AP on their level? Do the best you can, to give the child a place of emotional well-being and don’t throw away opportunities for financial security with that child too.

Why should the MOTHER go to court, set the trial etc? It seems that dad wants zero expense AND at the same time overnights at his whim. If that's the case, HE should go hire a lawyer with a retainer and take matters to trial. Instead, he just wants her to agree to his terms without spending a cent. And the terms are not good for the child, either.

It literally is free to file for custody. You go to the court and you fill it out. The order is the authority she is seeking that is why she does it, because she isn’t petty AF, and won’t create more drama by pouting about who does what first. You request the court help. You go to the hearing. You don’t have to have a lawyer for everything. You don’t have to have a trial. You can find settlement packets online that walk you through all considerations Stupid people that don’t understand the point and purpose of the law and its enforcement. An order provides mom AND dad with custody or both of them shared. It makes it clear I’d god forbis something horrible happen medically or in an emergency otherwise.

If they (mom and dad) cannot figure it out, a judge will. And rule. Eventually.

Counselors (legal) — my heart goes out to those of you with clients in this area. Good grief.

But there is no word about him offering her any amicable custody arrangement. He just wants the kids overnight once every 2 weeks. She can just as well tell him "no" and not waste time on courts filings.

Yes, this is true. This entire thread is mom’s emotional reaction to a very difficult and unexpected circumstance being forced on everyone. Mom and Dad need a transition plan, with AP on board. Like 3 adults that can all show a child love. Figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and OP — make sure that in your settlement there is gain for your pain. But you also have to know what you cannot control his behaviour, and he cannot control yours.

Some of this is just desperate grasping at straws for a dying marriage. The sooner the healing and normalization can begin for everyone, the better.

You cannot control what people do, but you can control how you choose to respond to a situation. Feelings aren’t always fair, and someone always loses something when a family splits. It is heartbreaking and sad to see more people fight each other in anger than unite and fight for their marriages and relationships and children instead.

We don’t know any details and only one side of the story. But no matter what, there is a child, and their interest comes first. Both parents get a say, like it or not, in what that looks like. Unless the child is in grave danger. And splashing your DNA all over the city isn’t a true threat to a child. There are literally parents that sexually abuse or beat children to death, and face consequence later. It isn’t something to make light of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

No, he doesn't need her consent or an order. As a parent you can do what you want until there is an order. No one is saying that he is not wanted in the other household. Dad is wanting every other weekend as its easy but why agree and make it easy on him. There are no allegations of abuse or neglect, just poor marital behavior. Mom isn't going to get to control what happens on Dad's time. You are setting this up for a horrible custody battle when that money can be better spent on the child.

This is so true. The advice to try to manipulate and control a parent (mother or father!) through a “separation agreement” which isn’t legally enforceable until decree anyway, is just horrible for the child and their environment. Go to court, have a shared custody hearing, set a trial date. Request terms. Why meet the EX & AP on their level? Do the best you can, to give the child a place of emotional well-being and don’t throw away opportunities for financial security with that child too.

Why should the MOTHER go to court, set the trial etc? It seems that dad wants zero expense AND at the same time overnights at his whim. If that's the case, HE should go hire a lawyer with a retainer and take matters to trial. Instead, he just wants her to agree to his terms without spending a cent. And the terms are not good for the child, either.

It literally is free to file for custody. You go to the court and you fill it out. The order is the authority she is seeking that is why she does it, because she isn’t petty AF, and won’t create more drama by pouting about who does what first. You request the court help. You go to the hearing. You don’t have to have a lawyer for everything. You don’t have to have a trial. You can find settlement packets online that walk you through all considerations Stupid people that don’t understand the point and purpose of the law and its enforcement. An order provides mom AND dad with custody or both of them shared. It makes it clear I’d god forbis something horrible happen medically or in an emergency otherwise.

If they (mom and dad) cannot figure it out, a judge will. And rule. Eventually.

Counselors (legal) — my heart goes out to those of you with clients in this area. Good grief.

But there is no word about him offering her any amicable custody arrangement. He just wants the kids overnight once every 2 weeks. She can just as well tell him "no" and not waste time on courts filings.

Yes, this is true. This entire thread is mom’s emotional reaction to a very difficult and unexpected circumstance being forced on everyone. Mom and Dad need a transition plan, with AP on board. Like 3 adults that can all show a child love. Figure it out.

It’s sick what adults do. AP and the husband are disgusting vile people with no impulse control.

[Anonymous]

^^yeah and if AP has children, that is even stickier; I noticed that question was never answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

OP here - I know absolutely nothing about her. I doubt she is dangers, but honestly, no idea. I'm not jealous about their relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. She can have him. He is a serial cheater, so best case scenario is he manages to make it worth with this one, rather than exposing DS to a revolving door of women. My concern is that there has been no introduction at all prior to this big moving-in step.

Well then suggest an introduction beforehand. Not sure it will make a difference to your child, to be honest. To him, she's just going to be a woman who's there. Hopefully she will be calm, kind, and approach him with sensitivity. You should have a conversation about that with your ex. In some situations where the parent is not a good father or mother, sometimes it's the new partner who makes the situation better!

I don't agree with this at all. It causes a lot of confusion for a child who is used to seeing their parents together and suddenly dad is shacking up with someone else. Been there, done that, and it did not go over well with my kid at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell your kid the truth. Odds are they'll never want to host again

Is the whole truth really necessary? A kid that age just cant comprehend, and they are likely better off in the dark.

He's 9, not 9 months. You really think her son won't be able to put two and two together?? He'll see dad going to bed in another woman's bedroom. I don't get why people underestimate children so much.

[Anonymous]

^agree. it wouldn’t go over well for any 9-year old. That’s what selfish people tell themselves to justify their sh@tty behavior. Some kids keep everything inside and bottle it up. The trauma is there. It will come out in some form in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

Even if son doesn't sleep over he's still exposed. Why give Dad a free pass and take away parenting from him? He still is a parent and needs to do it 50% of the time? Sheltering the kid from it is only going to make it worse, not better.

Dad has already bailed on 50/50 and now wants the son to go sleep at a stranger's house. I can't imagine telling my 9 year old they have to do that. I'd hold my ground until dad at least came up with an agreement that eases the kid into this. Obviously you can't stop it forever but the father is making a choice to leave. Doesn't mean the mom and kid have to subject to his every whim.

You realize you and your husband at one point were strangers. You don't get to say he loses custody and if he went to court, you could lose given you are withholding the child. Once you separate, regardless of the reason, you don't get to dictate things.

But she can. A judge can definitely stop visitation at least until the divorce is final. Maybe get the kid used to dad not being there first before springing the floozie on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^agree. it wouldn’t go over well for any 9-year old. That’s what selfish people tell themselves to justify their sh@tty behavior. Some kids keep everything inside and bottle it up. The trauma is there. It will come out in some form in their life.

Dad moving out of the house and living in a new woman’s house is enough trauma even if he doesn’t see them having sex.

A third grader/9 year old would feel abandoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

OMG. My dad refused joint custody. Do NOT let him out of 50/50. He needs to maintain a relationship with your kid. Otherwise he’s going to skip out on him and it will not be good. If he still doesn’t show up, DS can have better (not perfect) proof that it was on dad (not moms fault) that he didn’t spend time with his son. I was old enough to know that my dad was a piece of crap and caught him in his own lies.

She will not be able to force him to have visitation with the child. That's not how it works. If 50/50 is granted and it probably will because that's what most courts allow these days, he's not punished for skipping visitation. But if the mother withholds the child, she'll be in contempt of the custody order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

Even if son doesn't sleep over he's still exposed. Why give Dad a free pass and take away parenting from him? He still is a parent and needs to do it 50% of the time? Sheltering the kid from it is only going to make it worse, not better.

Dad has already bailed on 50/50 and now wants the son to go sleep at a stranger's house. I can't imagine telling my 9 year old they have to do that. I'd hold my ground until dad at least came up with an agreement that eases the kid into this. Obviously you can't stop it forever but the father is making a choice to leave. Doesn't mean the mom and kid have to subject to his every whim.

Nooooooooo!!!!! This is what my dad claimed. Demanding job, BS. Sorry but he needs to put his f’in big boy pants on.

No, tell him he can walk out on the marriage but he is not walking out on the child and being a visitor in your child's life. Tell him he gets every other week and to figure it out. +10000

This.... isn’t how it works. When dad doesn’t show up, you do....what?

+100 Definitely not how it works. You can't force a relationship between the father and the child.
What happens is the mother has the child 98% of the time, and the father lives his life with his AP like the child never existed.
Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

OP my advice is to:

1. Attend a coparenting course provided by the court, and your STBX do the same as a show of good will between both parents and to draw a line in the sand between custody, visitation, and child support. This is separate from divorce and marital settlement terms.

2. Look for a family therapist. You’re going to need one.

3. Discuss the options of shared custody and be realistic about whether this is something ideal for the child. The age matters; there are recommended strategies and sample schedules uou can look up and info around how this works.

4. Find an attorney that can give you a consultation, even if it is a couple hundred dollars, just to discuss your circumstances and get their opinion on best approach to resolve.

5. Document everything and stay on A+ behavior.

6. Find mental and emotional support for yourself as you prepare for this process. Don’t throw money that you could use for a housekeeper or nanny/education to bicker in court and pay your attornwy $450/hr to sit in court with you and be your therapist. Go to a therapist!

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

Tough. He has a kid! He can’t force you to take more than fifty fifty.

If he only takes the kid eow, he needs to give you way more child support. Make sure you insist on that if you allow less than fifty fifty.