Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

Tough. He has a kid! He can’t force you to take more than fifty fifty.

If he only takes the kid eow, he needs to give you way more child support. Make sure you insist on that if you allow less than fifty fifty.

That's the whole point: he wants the kids once in a while overnight, without even singing a separation agreement with stipulated child support. How is that?

[Anonymous]

I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

[Anonymous]

OP back - Thank you to those who responded with empathy and concrete advice. This is a situation no one wants their child to be in.

To respond to a few posters - AP does not have any children yet. She is much younger than soon to be ExH and myself.

I hope I didn't come across as having any intention of alienating my son from his father. If anything I have protected them both all along, keeping adult issues between the adults. I am not naïve though, this situation will be extremely difficult for DS who is already having a hard enough time with the idea of divorce.

DS is a bright boy and is definitely going to put 2 and 2 together eventually. We have only been separated 6 months and his father and a new woman are moving in together already. I imagine most kids would understand what's going on. What I am trying to do is figure out how I can be the best support to him through this. I don't want to lie to him if he outright asks me about the situation, but I also don't want to unnecessarily burden him with his father's mistakes.

I will ask my therapist to recommend a co-parenting specialist. I'm not convinced DH will come, but it will at least be documented that I am trying to put DS's needs first. Those of you telling me to get over it and move on - trust me, I want nothing more. My DS however, loves his father and this shock may not be so easy for him.

I will also speak with my lawyer again about potentially putting a provision in place that protects DS from this situation, even if only temporarily. I would like him to meet and get to know AP before having to spend the night at her house. As I said earlier, he has no idea she exists. We haven't yet finalized a separation or settlement agreement. As you can imagine, it's difficult to negotiate with an untrustworthy person.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

Tough. He has a kid! He can’t force you to take more than fifty fifty.

If he only takes the kid eow, he needs to give you way more child support. Make sure you insist on that if you allow less than fifty fifty.

That's the whole point: he wants the kids once in a while overnight, without even singing a separation agreement with stipulated child support. How is that?

DP. What state are you in?
You don’t need a separation agreement to file for child support! Ever! File. Start the clock. It is for the child, not for you. Arrearages will only begin to the date of filing unless you agree otherwise. Dont bank on your marital history/equity and some false notion of your spouse doing **anything** for you. Expect the best, but prepare for the worst, and know how to defend yourself. Follow the 6 steps.

If you need to file for alimony, talk to an attorney. Anything else call up your public tax payer funded child support enforcement agency. It is a public service to help that child be cares for financially. They even provide paternity tests for the true slime balls.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a good mom 💗 hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

Tough. He has a kid! He can’t force you to take more than fifty fifty.

If he only takes the kid eow, he needs to give you way more child support. Make sure you insist on that if you allow less than fifty fifty.

That's the whole point: he wants the kids once in a while overnight, without even singing a separation agreement with stipulated child support. How is that?

There are millions of lower and middle class families where parents abandon their children in ignorance and selfishness everyday. We all know of situations like this, even if a few degrees removed. Many American families are fractured and suffering, only to kick the tower down as soon as the “child” turns 18. That is when the easy part of the terabyte begins, if they’re lucky enough to have it.

People have been marrying divorcing and cheating since the beginning of time. Every person isn’t scarred because of this. Look forward success stories and learn the traits that helped improve things in the long run. It is for you as much as the child.

You are responsible for your response. YOU. No one else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a good mom 💗 hang in there.

+1. Thanks for the update OP and I hope your son is able to have his needs met through a supportive resource. You can also ask your son’s pediatrician for therapy recommendations. You do sound like a good mom. It is hard, sometimes when you do the right thing it makes guilty people even angrier; but just know that is a character flaw with them, not you! Your son will be fine, he has you looking out for his interests, not just your own. I wish you both good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

Tough. He has a kid! He can’t force you to take more than fifty fifty.

If he only takes the kid eow, he needs to give you way more child support. Make sure you insist on that if you allow less than fifty fifty.

Exactly. By not accepting 50/50 he is forcing op to accept more than 50/50, which is a whole lot of BS. OP sounds like a decent mom. She should not roll over (and I would say the same if she were the father). Why should mom be the only one constrained by parenting ESPECIALLY if he is leaving the marriage. Within marriage there was more ability to be flexible on the effort given at any given time. But not any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

+1

The woman SAHM cheater I know left all of the parenting stuff to her working husband. She would send him out of town on college tour trips with her sons so she could arrange to bang her AP. Any chance she got, the AP took priority over anything family related. If he was free, she was there.

They are selfish and self-centered. Their needs above all others. Then they do mental gymnastics that it doesn’t affect anyone else and they deserve happiness. Child-like, really. Emotionally stunted individuals recreating their own childhood histories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - Thank you to those who responded with empathy and concrete advice. This is a situation no one wants their child to be in.

To respond to a few posters - AP does not have any children yet. She is much younger than soon to be ExH and myself.

I hope I didn't come across as having any intention of alienating my son from his father. If anything I have protected them both all along, keeping adult issues between the adults. I am not naïve though, this situation will be extremely difficult for DS who is already having a hard enough time with the idea of divorce.

DS is a bright boy and is definitely going to put 2 and 2 together eventually. We have only been separated 6 months and his father and a new woman are moving in together already. I imagine most kids would understand what's going on. What I am trying to do is figure out how I can be the best support to him through this. I don't want to lie to him if he outright asks me about the situation, but I also don't want to unnecessarily burden him with his father's mistakes.

I will ask my therapist to recommend a co-parenting specialist. I'm not convinced DH will come, but it will at least be documented that I am trying to put DS's needs first. Those of you telling me to get over it and move on - trust me, I want nothing more. My DS however, loves his father and this shock may not be so easy for him.

I will also speak with my lawyer again about potentially putting a provision in place that protects DS from this situation, even if only temporarily. I would like him to meet and get to know AP before having to spend the night at her house. As I said earlier, he has no idea she exists. We haven't yet finalized a separation or settlement agreement. As you can imagine, it's difficult to negotiate with an untrustworthy person.

Thanks again.

I’m so sorry, OP. This is a tough situation not of your choosing. When we see our children being hurt and ignored it is unbearable. I wish you and your son the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - Thank you to those who responded with empathy and concrete advice. This is a situation no one wants their child to be in.

To respond to a few posters - AP does not have any children yet. She is much younger than soon to be ExH and myself.

I hope I didn't come across as having any intention of alienating my son from his father. If anything I have protected them both all along, keeping adult issues between the adults. I am not naïve though, this situation will be extremely difficult for DS who is already having a hard enough time with the idea of divorce.

DS is a bright boy and is definitely going to put 2 and 2 together eventually. We have only been separated 6 months and his father and a new woman are moving in together already. I imagine most kids would understand what's going on. What I am trying to do is figure out how I can be the best support to him through this. I don't want to lie to him if he outright asks me about the situation, but I also don't want to unnecessarily burden him with his father's mistakes.

I will ask my therapist to recommend a co-parenting specialist. I'm not convinced DH will come, but it will at least be documented that I am trying to put DS's needs first. Those of you telling me to get over it and move on - trust me, I want nothing more. My DS however, loves his father and this shock may not be so easy for him.

I will also speak with my lawyer again about potentially putting a provision in place that protects DS from this situation, even if only temporarily. I would like him to meet and get to know AP before having to spend the night at her house. As I said earlier, he has no idea she exists. We haven't yet finalized a separation or settlement agreement. As you can imagine, it's difficult to negotiate with an untrustworthy person.

Thanks again.

OP, you don't HAVE to allow these overnights until there is a separation agreement in place, or a divorce decree that lays out the terms. Just say no. I can't imagine any psychologist suggesting such a fast introduction of the AP to your son, even prior the divorce.

To all those suggesting involving child protective services, psychologists, therapists etc - keep in mind that in DC area, for example, involving an independent evaluation of custody arragmement of this sort may easily cost $30K. I recommend using an insurance covered psychologist or a family therapist who can record things, make recommendations etc., unless things indeed go to court for 2 of you.

And let the dad enforce his rights, don't spend your money on his custodial rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

Tough. He has a kid! He can’t force you to take more than fifty fifty.

If he only takes the kid eow, he needs to give you way more child support. Make sure you insist on that if you allow less than fifty fifty.

Exactly. By not accepting 50/50 he is forcing op to accept more than 50/50, which is a whole lot of BS. OP sounds like a decent mom. She should not roll over (and I would say the same if she were the father). Why should mom be the only one constrained by parenting ESPECIALLY if he is leaving the marriage. Within marriage there was more ability to be flexible on the effort given at any given time. But not any more.

I think in this situation a smart move for mom would be to say "look, he only wanted 1 overnight" and insist on full custody and child support. Even if he "accepts" 50/50, it will stay only on paper, with mom getting much less child support as ultimate outcome, and dad not performing his 50% duties. This is what happens most often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - Thank you to those who responded with empathy and concrete advice. This is a situation no one wants their child to be in.

To respond to a few posters - AP does not have any children yet. She is much younger than soon to be ExH and myself.

I hope I didn't come across as having any intention of alienating my son from his father. If anything I have protected them both all along, keeping adult issues between the adults. I am not naïve though, this situation will be extremely difficult for DS who is already having a hard enough time with the idea of divorce.

DS is a bright boy and is definitely going to put 2 and 2 together eventually. We have only been separated 6 months and his father and a new woman are moving in together already. I imagine most kids would understand what's going on. What I am trying to do is figure out how I can be the best support to him through this. I don't want to lie to him if he outright asks me about the situation, but I also don't want to unnecessarily burden him with his father's mistakes.

I will ask my therapist to recommend a co-parenting specialist. I'm not convinced DH will come, but it will at least be documented that I am trying to put DS's needs first. Those of you telling me to get over it and move on - trust me, I want nothing more. My DS however, loves his father and this shock may not be so easy for him.

I will also speak with my lawyer again about potentially putting a provision in place that protects DS from this situation, even if only temporarily. I would like him to meet and get to know AP before having to spend the night at her house. As I said earlier, he has no idea she exists. We haven't yet finalized a separation or settlement agreement. As you can imagine, it's difficult to negotiate with an untrustworthy person.

Thanks again.

I would urge caution here with an eye to the future. If AP is younger is there a possibility she and your STBex will quickly marry and might have more children? If so, your DC may have half-siblings one day and you DO NOT want to set up a situation now where your son cannot make healthy connections with those children, no matter how you feel towards your STBex and AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back - Thank you to those who responded with empathy and concrete advice. This is a situation no one wants their child to be in.

To respond to a few posters - AP does not have any children yet. She is much younger than soon to be ExH and myself.

I hope I didn't come across as having any intention of alienating my son from his father. If anything I have protected them both all along, keeping adult issues between the adults. I am not naïve though, this situation will be extremely difficult for DS who is already having a hard enough time with the idea of divorce.

DS is a bright boy and is definitely going to put 2 and 2 together eventually. We have only been separated 6 months and his father and a new woman are moving in together already. I imagine most kids would understand what's going on. What I am trying to do is figure out how I can be the best support to him through this. I don't want to lie to him if he outright asks me about the situation, but I also don't want to unnecessarily burden him with his father's mistakes.

I will ask my therapist to recommend a co-parenting specialist. I'm not convinced DH will come, but it will at least be documented that I am trying to put DS's needs first. Those of you telling me to get over it and move on - trust me, I want nothing more. My DS however, loves his father and this shock may not be so easy for him.

I will also speak with my lawyer again about potentially putting a provision in place that protects DS from this situation, even if only temporarily. I would like him to meet and get to know AP before having to spend the night at her house. As I said earlier, he has no idea she exists. We haven't yet finalized a separation or settlement agreement. As you can imagine, it's difficult to negotiate with an untrustworthy person.

Thanks again.

I would urge caution here with an eye to the future. If AP is younger is there a possibility she and your STBex will quickly marry and might have more children? If so, your DC may have half-siblings one day and you DO NOT want to set up a situation now where your son cannot make healthy connections with those children, no matter how you feel towards your STBex and AP.

Unless dad has hefty assets for inheritance, I wouldn't worry about his other kids with AP. There are many situations when the older child from previous marriage is used as a baby sitter for babies. My friend's ex-husband made 2 kids with 2nd wife. When his second marriage also fell apart because of his unreliable character, my friend's 10 y.o. daughter basically became a nanny to his 2 younger kids. She hated it, and stopped visiting her dad when she turned 14

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

+1

The woman SAHM cheater I know left all of the parenting stuff to her working husband. She would send him out of town on college tour trips with her sons so she could arrange to bang her AP. Any chance she got, the AP took priority over anything family related. If he was free, she was there.

They are selfish and self-centered. Their needs above all others. Then they do mental gymnastics that it doesn’t affect anyone else and they deserve happiness. Child-like, really. Emotionally stunted individuals recreating their own childhood histories.

Here we go again. Still not gonna divorce your DH who found this woman on Ashley Madison. Lol.