Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I have avoided telling DS the truth thus far because I don't see how that information about his father is helpful. I realize he will probably figure it out eventually and I don't plan to lie if he asks directly, but I don't feel great about offering it up otherwise. It's his father's responsibility to tell him, in my opinion.

That's a good question about leverage. I will have to speak with my attorney. Do you have any ideas?

Restrictions on how soon kids can be introduced to next partners can be included in the amicable agreement. Your leverage is threatening with contentious divorce and lengthly (especially in covid) hearings if he tries to introduce her even BEFORE you are divorced! This is totally unethical.
You can also restrict his access to his son, and just tell that son doesn't want to see him/her. Then he can try get pre-divorce custody arrangement via court. Hearings are not 8-12 months away for all cases like that.

Mine took my three kids away for the weekend with her three kids 8 days after he met on Bumble. He lied to the kids and said she was a "work friend". He's never had a woman work friend, so I knew instantly. This was also a full year before our divorce was final, as exH was dragging it out. They stayed together for about a year, in which time the kids learned he never worked with his "Work friend" and that he's a liar who lies. Its painful to watch them learn that, but they didn't learn it from me, so wont resent me for that.



Know what happened? Nothing. The courts don't prosecute for bad judgment, and agreements about "sleepovers" and introducing partners are literally uninforceable anyway. He lied to her and cheated on her, you think he's going to honestly and voluntarily respect a toothless agreement with his EX wife? Nah man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions in this thread.

Ultimately, especially without a separation agreement in place, your STBX has every right to do as he pleases with your child. Whether or not that is in your child's best interest I don't know, but legally you don't have a leg to stand on, which you but not others in this thread understand.

It's clear that you are concerned about your DS, so instead of focusing on what your STBX does, as long as he's not putting your child in grave danger (and no, even a 'revolving door of women' is not considered grave danger), focus on what you can do. Be the best parent you can be. If your child seems to need a neutral third party, find a counselor. Just be matter of fact - "it's your time with your dad. Have a great time and I look forward to seeing you when you get back!"

It may very well be in your DS's best interest to spend most of the time with you. While it's not fair in the sense of an equal distribution of labor, arbitrarily deciding that your ex needs to do 50% is not wise, especially if he doesn't want to.

I think your gut is telling you what to do. As someone who has been divorced for over 10 years and whose son was exposed early on to the AP, we now live a happy, independent life as my ex has dropped out of sight (he never pursued custody and we relocated, with permission from him and the court). My son is well adjusted and knows which parent has taken care of him and provided for him. Fair? I don't know. But not a bad ending at all.

All seems right in this post, except that the wife has full rights, too, in relation to her son overnights in the absence of the separation agreement. Why is that he can take the son wherever, and at the same time she can't NOT let him take him wherever? It's him leaving the marital home, not her.

They can try to work it out between themselves, but the cops and courts aren't going to get involved over this. It's probably in her best interest and the kid's best interest to just let the kid go. Is it shitty? Sure, but life isn't fair and we can't sit around waiting for people who are not team players turn into team players. While it may be unpleasant for the child, he will survive and he can recover from it. OP is best off focusing on what she can control, which is her own parenting and negotiating what she perceives to be in the best interest of their DS in the divorce.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to volunteer information about the AP, but you should not lie to your son. You should give him age appropriate truthful answers, and do your best to soften the news by reassuring him that his dad loves him, he loves his dad, and none of that is going to change. Never speak badly about his dad in front of him or make comments that will make him feel like he has to choose between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions in this thread.

Ultimately, especially without a separation agreement in place, your STBX has every right to do as he pleases with your child. Whether or not that is in your child's best interest I don't know, but legally you don't have a leg to stand on, which you but not others in this thread understand.

It's clear that you are concerned about your DS, so instead of focusing on what your STBX does, as long as he's not putting your child in grave danger (and no, even a 'revolving door of women' is not considered grave danger), focus on what you can do. Be the best parent you can be. If your child seems to need a neutral third party, find a counselor. Just be matter of fact - "it's your time with your dad. Have a great time and I look forward to seeing you when you get back!"

It may very well be in your DS's best interest to spend most of the time with you. While it's not fair in the sense of an equal distribution of labor, arbitrarily deciding that your ex needs to do 50% is not wise, especially if he doesn't want to.

I think your gut is telling you what to do. As someone who has been divorced for over 10 years and whose son was exposed early on to the AP, we now live a happy, independent life as my ex has dropped out of sight (he never pursued custody and we relocated, with permission from him and the court). My son is well adjusted and knows which parent has taken care of him and provided for him. Fair? I don't know. But not a bad ending at all.

All seems right in this post, except that the wife has full rights, too, in relation to her son overnights in the absence of the separation agreement. Why is that he can take the son wherever, and at the same time she can't NOT let him take him wherever? It's him leaving the marital home, not her.

They can try to work it out between themselves, but the cops and courts aren't going to get involved over this. It's probably in her best interest and the kid's best interest to just let the kid go. Is it shitty? Sure, but life isn't fair and we can't sit around waiting for people who are not team players turn into team players. While it may be unpleasant for the child, he will survive and he can recover from it. OP is best off focusing on what she can control, which is her own parenting and negotiating what she perceives to be in the best interest of their DS in the divorce.

I don't see why its HER and not HIM who should just "let it go". Particular since the judicial system won't get involved over son sleeping or not in the AP's house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions in this thread.

Ultimately, especially without a separation agreement in place, your STBX has every right to do as he pleases with your child. Whether or not that is in your child's best interest I don't know, but legally you don't have a leg to stand on, which you but not others in this thread understand.

It's clear that you are concerned about your DS, so instead of focusing on what your STBX does, as long as he's not putting your child in grave danger (and no, even a 'revolving door of women' is not considered grave danger), focus on what you can do. Be the best parent you can be. If your child seems to need a neutral third party, find a counselor. Just be matter of fact - "it's your time with your dad. Have a great time and I look forward to seeing you when you get back!"

It may very well be in your DS's best interest to spend most of the time with you. While it's not fair in the sense of an equal distribution of labor, arbitrarily deciding that your ex needs to do 50% is not wise, especially if he doesn't want to.

I think your gut is telling you what to do. As someone who has been divorced for over 10 years and whose son was exposed early on to the AP, we now live a happy, independent life as my ex has dropped out of sight (he never pursued custody and we relocated, with permission from him and the court). My son is well adjusted and knows which parent has taken care of him and provided for him. Fair? I don't know. But not a bad ending at all.

All seems right in this post, except that the wife has full rights, too, in relation to her son overnights in the absence of the separation agreement. Why is that he can take the son wherever, and at the same time she can't NOT let him take him wherever? It's him leaving the marital home, not her.

They can try to work it out between themselves, but the cops and courts aren't going to get involved over this. It's probably in her best interest and the kid's best interest to just let the kid go. Is it shitty? Sure, but life isn't fair and we can't sit around waiting for people who are not team players turn into team players. While it may be unpleasant for the child, he will survive and he can recover from it. OP is best off focusing on what she can control, which is her own parenting and negotiating what she perceives to be in the best interest of their DS in the divorce.

I don't see why its HER and not HIM who should just "let it go". Particular since the judicial system won't get involved over son sleeping or not in the AP's house

She's the one who has asked for help. What else can she do? Why would the judicial system get involved? No laws are being broken. And see the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please remember that your son will be the most affected by all of this. Be a strong rock for him and keep the drama away. He will be going through so much, and if you can show him that there is normalcy, and that he is loved he will benefit. I know it is really difficult (BTDT as a child) to the mom, but your strength and taking the high road are really important to his well-being in the long run.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please remember that your son will be the most affected by all of this. Be a strong rock for him and keep the drama away. He will be going through so much, and if you can show him that there is normalcy, and that he is loved he will benefit. I know it is really difficult (BTDT as a child) to the mom, but your strength and taking the high road are really important to his well-being in the long run.

This.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell your kid the truth. Odds are they'll never want to host again

Do NOT share adult issues with children.

You're a terrible, selfish parent if you discuss this with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell your kid the truth. Odds are they'll never want to host again

Do NOT share adult issues with children.

You're a terrible, selfish parent if you discuss this with them.

The kid will put 2 and 2 together himself. Dad is now living with a whore and hasn’t even divorced mom yet. Hmmmmmm....

9-year kids aren’t dumb.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, this was similar to my situation when I was 12.

I am sorry OP. I agree with some PPs that you give the simple answer that Dad is living with his girlfriend and he will visit there. That's it. Do NOT disparage him or the AP or make him pick sides or make him feel like him spending time there is wrong. My mom did all those things and I dealt with it by moving across the country at age 17 yo enroll early at college. Even now, I find myself limiting time with either parent because they still don't get along and I feel like I am choosing sides if I spend holidays with one v the other

Be strong and live your life with dignity. Life isn't fair