Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

tell your kid the truth. Odds are they'll never want to host again

[Anonymous]

Do you have any leverage to include it in your divorce settlement agreement?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, that sucks!
I can't believe you have no say in this, but I agree with PP, tell your DS the real reason why you are splitting up and who the AP is to your DH.
(Can children refuse to spend time with the other parent?)

[Anonymous]

OP here - I have avoided telling DS the truth thus far because I don't see how that information about his father is helpful. I realize he will probably figure it out eventually and I don't plan to lie if he asks directly, but I don't feel great about offering it up otherwise. It's his father's responsibility to tell him, in my opinion.

That's a good question about leverage. I will have to speak with my attorney. Do you have any ideas?

[Anonymous]

Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks!
I can't believe you have no say in this, but I agree with PP, tell your DS the real reason why you are splitting up and who the AP is to your DH.
(Can children refuse to spend time with the other parent?)

Thank you. It's definitely a struggle. I don't believe children as young as DS can make decisions about time with parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

OP here - I know absolutely nothing about her. I doubt she is dangers, but honestly, no idea. I'm not jealous about their relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. She can have him. He is a serial cheater, so best case scenario is he manages to make it worth with this one, rather than exposing DS to a revolving door of women. My concern is that there has been no introduction at all prior to this big moving-in step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

OP here - I know absolutely nothing about her. I doubt she is dangerOUs, but honestly, no idea. I'm not jealous about their relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. She can have him. He is a serial cheater, so best case scenario is he manages to make it worK with this one, rather than exposing DS to a revolving door of women. My concern is that there has been no introduction at all prior to this big moving-in step.

Excuse the typos

[Anonymous]

Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

[Anonymous]

Cheated on here. I would just say, "Daddy has a new GF and you will be staying with her/them". You don't need to talk about the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheated on here. I would just say, "Daddy has a new GF and you will be staying with her/them". You don't need to talk about the affair.

Thank you for your perspective. Have your kids ever asked whether they were dating before you were divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

OP here - I know absolutely nothing about her. I doubt she is dangers, but honestly, no idea. I'm not jealous about their relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. She can have him. He is a serial cheater, so best case scenario is he manages to make it worth with this one, rather than exposing DS to a revolving door of women. My concern is that there has been no introduction at all prior to this big moving-in step.

Well then suggest an introduction beforehand. Not sure it will make a difference to your child, to be honest. To him, she's just going to be a woman who's there. Hopefully she will be calm, kind, and approach him with sensitivity. You should have a conversation about that with your ex. In some situations where the parent is not a good father or mother, sometimes it's the new partner who makes the situation better!

[Anonymous]

Ugh yes you have to tell son now (both of you) and start getting him prepared. I would line up a therapist for him.

my dad did this, and it was terrible because I could not develop a relationship with him post divorce. His AP (now my stepmother) was super insecure, had to control everything, be there all the time, insist on running the show (and she also harbored a ton of resentment against me and my brother since we were the reasons my dad did't leave my mom earlier). And my dad abdicated to her, and basically stepped aside as a parent and if I wanted to see him it was always on her terms, in her house, etc. It made me feel incredibly unwanted and damaged my relationship with my dad permanently--it was a harbinger of things to come. (this is a woman who screams and yells at kids, including my kids, and never has once apologized for her rages, so DH has ruled out every staying with them again). Hopefully maybe your soon to be ex's girlfriend is a nicer person and will attempt to make your son feel welcome and also not intrude too much. Either way, I would ask your ex to plan to spend some quality time with your son without the AP around. Its not about her, its about your son being able to develop a relationship with his dad independently of the girlfriend. Besides, the more he tries to force his son to accept his new life and girlfriend, the more likely it is to backfire.