Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

Even if son doesn't sleep over he's still exposed. Why give Dad a free pass and take away parenting from him? He still is a parent and needs to do it 50% of the time? Sheltering the kid from it is only going to make it worse, not better.

Dad has already bailed on 50/50 and now wants the son to go sleep at a stranger's house. I can't imagine telling my 9 year old they have to do that. I'd hold my ground until dad at least came up with an agreement that eases the kid into this. Obviously you can't stop it forever but the father is making a choice to leave. Doesn't mean the mom and kid have to subject to his every whim.

[Anonymous]

^that's traumatizing and confusing to a child. It’s why my husband and his brother were so f@cked up midlife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheated on here. I would just say, "Daddy has a new GF and you will be staying with her/them". You don't need to talk about the affair.

nah, boys are protective of moms. "Daddy chose to leave us for this woman, now he wants you to play family with them for a weekend a month"

Good lord don't say this!

First PP is right. Leave the drama out of it. Be a safe space for your son. He will appreciate it so much someday.

Boys whose father’s cheat are 65% more likely to cheat in their own marriages. I protected knowledge of the affair like my life depended on it. Mine had already dumped the AP before finding out though and was a good father so would never pull a situation like this. What your stbx is doing is so crazy, self-centered and delusional and is putting some Ho before his child.

[Anonymous]

Pick up the phone and call the woman.

Seriously, you're going to have to deal with her eventually. Ask her about herself, her plans, etc. You are not calling as a bitter ex-wife but as the mother of a child who is going to be staying there, maybe.

If she isn't mature enough to have a conversation about your kids new environment, she isn't mature enough to host your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

Even if son doesn't sleep over he's still exposed. Why give Dad a free pass and take away parenting from him? He still is a parent and needs to do it 50% of the time? Sheltering the kid from it is only going to make it worse, not better.

Dad has already bailed on 50/50 and now wants the son to go sleep at a stranger's house. I can't imagine telling my 9 year old they have to do that. I'd hold my ground until dad at least came up with an agreement that eases the kid into this. Obviously you can't stop it forever but the father is making a choice to leave. Doesn't mean the mom and kid have to subject to his every whim.

You realize you and your husband at one point were strangers. You don't get to say he loses custody and if he went to court, you could lose given you are withholding the child. Once you separate, regardless of the reason, you don't get to dictate things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick up the phone and call the woman.

Seriously, you're going to have to deal with her eventually. Ask her about herself, her plans, etc. You are not calling as a bitter ex-wife but as the mother of a child who is going to be staying there, maybe.

If she isn't mature enough to have a conversation about your kids new environment, she isn't mature enough to host your kid.

No, don't do this. Its up to your ex to make the connection. I have zero interest in talking to my husband's ex given how she treated him. If she calls and needs something, I'll take care of it but otherwise she burnt that bridge on how she treats him (she's made nasty comments to the kids about me but nice to my face). She cheated, she left with her AP and held the kids hostage. But, regardless, you always take the higher ground. Its reasonable to tell Dad she is not to babysit but you don't call her and handle this. This is between ex and girlfriend. They have to figure it out. You tell ex he needs a bedroom, bed, some books/toys and clothing for the child during his time there. He needs to go buy it, not you (and i only say that as I buy everything in our home).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that you need to explain anything to your son. Let his Dad do that part, and be there for him to talk to. I would ask a lot of open ended questions "how do you feel about that?" Validate his feelings, "It sounds like you are feeling..." but don't try to fix it or over explain.

Mom needs to be there for the conversation. Otherwise the kid might worry that Mom doesn’t know.

Unfortunately the douchebag Dad has created a situation where the only option is to pretend this is normal and everyone is fine with it. That’s a good short-term solution for the kid. Long term it likely means the kid will have commitment and fidelity issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheated on here. I would just say, "Daddy has a new GF and you will be staying with her/them". You don't need to talk about the affair.

nah, boys are protective of moms. "Daddy chose to leave us for this woman, now he wants you to play family with them for a weekend a month"

Good lord don't say this!

First PP is right. Leave the drama out of it. Be a safe space for your son. He will appreciate it so much someday.

Boys whose father’s cheat are 65% more likely to cheat in their own marriages. I protected knowledge of the affair like my life depended on it. Mine had already dumped the AP before finding out though and was a good father so would never pull a situation like this. What your stbx is doing is so crazy, self-centered and delusional and is putting some Ho before his child.

Women cheat as well. That's completely absurd to say that. My husband and I both had parents who cheated. Neither of us have cheated. My husband's ex parents had a very stable marriage and she cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick up the phone and call the woman.

Seriously, you're going to have to deal with her eventually. Ask her about herself, her plans, etc. You are not calling as a bitter ex-wife but as the mother of a child who is going to be staying there, maybe.

If she isn't mature enough to have a conversation about your kids new environment, she isn't mature enough to host your kid.

+100. Talk. With your STBX, without; phone or messaging; but talk. It sucks Op. I’m sorry. I agree that this is not a decision that can be fast tracked without regard for the child involved; everyone should get on the same page with what that means and what it looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick up the phone and call the woman.

Seriously, you're going to have to deal with her eventually. Ask her about herself, her plans, etc. You are not calling as a bitter ex-wife but as the mother of a child who is going to be staying there, maybe.

If she isn't mature enough to have a conversation about your kids new environment, she isn't mature enough to host your kid.

No, don't do this. Its up to your ex to make the connection. I have zero interest in talking to my husband's ex given how she treated him. If she calls and needs something, I'll take care of it but otherwise she burnt that bridge on how she treats him (she's made nasty comments to the kids about me but nice to my face). She cheated, she left with her AP and held the kids hostage. But, regardless, you always take the higher ground. Its reasonable to tell Dad she is not to babysit but you don't call her and handle this. This is between ex and girlfriend. They have to figure it out. You tell ex he needs a bedroom, bed, some books/toys and clothing for the child during his time there. He needs to go buy it, not you (and i only say that as I buy everything in our home).

I think this advice should be kept as an alternative approach; I’d be careful not to project your anecdotal experience onto OP’s situation. She may be burning a bridge that is just being measured. In the scenario you describe, I agree that it is best to have the child’s father the degree of separation. It really depends on how emotionally mature everyone can be. Don’t know enough to truly say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that you need to explain anything to your son. Let his Dad do that part, and be there for him to talk to. I would ask a lot of open ended questions "how do you feel about that?" Validate his feelings, "It sounds like you are feeling..." but don't try to fix it or over explain.

Mom needs to be there for the conversation. Otherwise the kid might worry that Mom doesn’t know.

Unfortunately the douchebag Dad has created a situation where the only option is to pretend this is normal and everyone is fine with it. That’s a good short-term solution for the kid. Long term it likely means the kid will have commitment and fidelity issues.

+100

Commitment, fidelity and attachment issues are common for kids when they become adults if they had a parent walk out and put another woman before their (the child’s) needs. Knowing what I know and have seen at 50, any kid that grew up with this should be in therapy before getting married themselves. This stuff has a way of boiling up at midlife and when their own kids reach the age they were when mom or dad walked out for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I have avoided telling DS the truth thus far because I don't see how that information about his father is helpful. I realize he will probably figure it out eventually and I don't plan to lie if he asks directly, but I don't feel great about offering it up otherwise. It's his father's responsibility to tell him, in my opinion.

That's a good question about leverage. I will have to speak with my attorney. Do you have any ideas?

Restrictions on how soon kids can be introduced to next partners can be included in the amicable agreement. Your leverage is threatening with contentious divorce and lengthly (especially in covid) hearings if he tries to introduce her even BEFORE you are divorced! This is totally unethical.
You can also restrict his access to his son, and just tell that son doesn't want to see him/her. Then he can try get pre-divorce custody arrangement via court. Hearings are not 8-12 months away for all cases like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that you need to explain anything to your son. Let his Dad do that part, and be there for him to talk to. I would ask a lot of open ended questions "how do you feel about that?" Validate his feelings, "It sounds like you are feeling..." but don't try to fix it or over explain.

Mom needs to be there for the conversation. Otherwise the kid might worry that Mom doesn’t know.

Unfortunately the douchebag Dad has created a situation where the only option is to pretend this is normal and everyone is fine with it. That’s a good short-term solution for the kid. Long term it likely means the kid will have commitment and fidelity issues.

This is what happened to me. I was protecting their dad for all of the reasons people have listed above, but he got sloppy with his timeline and the kids figured out the "new girlfriend" was someone he'd been seeing during our marriage. That information was really challenging for them, but even harder was the time that they spent keeping the information secret because they were worried about hurting ME. It broke my heart that they thought they had to protect me, and it's not healthy for them to feel like they need to keep secrets.

It was much better when it was all out, to be honest. If he's going to move in with her, he's basically forcing the issue. The only thing you can do is mitigate the damage he's about to do.

[Anonymous]

Does she have children?

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your lawyer. When my husband and I separated, I wasn’t looking to date, but my therapist recommended a solid 12 months before introducing a new partner to the kids.