Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

This is horrific for your child. I am so sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh yes you have to tell son now (both of you) and start getting him prepared. I would line up a therapist for him.

my dad did this, and it was terrible because I could not develop a relationship with him post divorce. His AP (now my stepmother) was super insecure, had to control everything, be there all the time, insist on running the show (and she also harbored a ton of resentment against me and my brother since we were the reasons my dad did't leave my mom earlier). And my dad abdicated to her, and basically stepped aside as a parent and if I wanted to see him it was always on her terms, in her house, etc. It made me feel incredibly unwanted and damaged my relationship with my dad permanently--it was a harbinger of things to come. (this is a woman who screams and yells at kids, including my kids, and never has once apologized for her rages, so DH has ruled out every staying with them again). Hopefully maybe your soon to be ex's girlfriend is a nicer person and will attempt to make your son feel welcome and also not intrude too much. Either way, I would ask your ex to plan to spend some quality time with your son without the AP around. Its not about her, its about your son being able to develop a relationship with his dad independently of the girlfriend. Besides, the more he tries to force his son to accept his new life and girlfriend, the more likely it is to backfire.

It doesn’t need to be that dramatic.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you met her? I would insist on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

OP here - I know absolutely nothing about her. I doubt she is dangers, but honestly, no idea. I'm not jealous about their relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. She can have him. He is a serial cheater, so best case scenario is he manages to make it worth with this one, rather than exposing DS to a revolving door of women. My concern is that there has been no introduction at all prior to this big moving-in step.

That's sick he is already introducing his kid to her...and living with the AP. What a tough situation. But, you are so much better off without him.

He's her problem now. Both of them will likely be cheating on each other in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Like a pp already suggested, your husband and you should sit down with your kid and explain when and where Dad is moving...and with whom. Hopefully he’s setting up a nice bedroom for him.

I think he should introduce you to her as well.

Are you planning to go full Gwyneth, or will you minimize contact with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell your kid the truth. Odds are they'll never want to host again

Is the whole truth really necessary? A kid that age just cant comprehend, and they are likely better off in the dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheated on here. I would just say, "Daddy has a new GF and you will be staying with her/them". You don't need to talk about the affair.

nah, boys are protective of moms. "Daddy chose to leave us for this woman, now he wants you to play family with them for a weekend a month"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheated on here. I would just say, "Daddy has a new GF and you will be staying with her/them". You don't need to talk about the affair.

nah, boys are protective of moms. "Daddy chose to leave us for this woman, now he wants you to play family with them for a weekend a month"

Good lord don't say this!

First PP is right. Leave the drama out of it. Be a safe space for your son. He will appreciate it so much someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

OP here - I know absolutely nothing about her. I doubt she is dangers, but honestly, no idea. I'm not jealous about their relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. She can have him. He is a serial cheater, so best case scenario is he manages to make it worth with this one, rather than exposing DS to a revolving door of women. My concern is that there has been no introduction at all prior to this big moving-in step.

Well then suggest an introduction beforehand. Not sure it will make a difference to your child, to be honest. To him, she's just going to be a woman who's there. Hopefully she will be calm, kind, and approach him with sensitivity. You should have a conversation about that with your ex. In some situations where the parent is not a good father or mother, sometimes it's the new partner who makes the situation better!

This is true. A good partner actually prioritizes supporting that, a healthy exchange for the children; but it is also worth noting that someone truly putting the children’s interest first wouldn’t rush this process with a child and during such a delicate time. So manage expectations with this person’s capacity, and try to remain a safe, stable, and unchanging support of security for your child. Emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, spiritually - try to give them a stable expectation from you, though it can be hard when you’re adjusting to accommodate and recover from a betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Please remember that your son will be the most affected by all of this. Be a strong rock for him and keep the drama away. He will be going through so much, and if you can show him that there is normalcy, and that he is loved he will benefit. I know it is really difficult (BTDT as a child) to the mom, but your strength and taking the high road are really important to his well-being in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

[Anonymous]

There isn't much you can do to prevent this. Don't do what PP said. Have Dad say to son that he's moving out and going to live with a friend or girlfriend. And, that he will be visiting/seeing him on XXX days. I would heavily push Dad to do 50/50 and not let him out of parenting. And, at a minimum do a google search on the woman/court case search/sex offender registry just to make sure things are ok. Insist child have their OWN bedroom (or share with a boy, similar age only) and own bed/dresser/clothing and belongings at the house that Dad provides as well so you don't have to pack up each time.

Don't go into details at age 9 that Dad had an affair or all the drama.

And, make it clear to ex, once he leaves, if things don't work out he's not returning. Get yourself a good lawyer and file for divorce. Let it be on your terms, not his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

Even if son doesn't sleep over he's still exposed. Why give Dad a free pass and take away parenting from him? He still is a parent and needs to do it 50% of the time? Sheltering the kid from it is only going to make it worse, not better.

[Anonymous]

I don't know that you need to explain anything to your son. Let his Dad do that part, and be there for him to talk to. I would ask a lot of open ended questions "how do you feel about that?" Validate his feelings, "It sounds like you are feeling..." but don't try to fix it or over explain.

[Anonymous]

I agree that there is no need to mention the affair. However, I would insist on meeting the AP and making sure your son will have his own room to sleep in. This is going to be hard on a 9 year old. Does she have children?