Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any leverage to include it in your divorce settlement agreement?

Include what?

It is a very typical divorce settlement clause that the new partners not to be introduced to kids until after 6-12 months AFTER the divorce. I understand you are not even divorced yet! Basically he abandons you and your son, and yet wants some overnights. This is insane, I would only offer him visitation in such situation and request full custody and increased child support

You guys are so delusional. There is no abandonment. You are allowed to leave. Certainly he’s not abandoning the child if he wants overnighted. You don’t get full custody and increased child support in these circumstances. You all are so unrealistic and talking from a place of such naïveté that you offer nothing helpful for OP.

How is he going to enforce his custody rights, if the OP just refuses these overnights? There is no divorce settlement agreement in place, and the husband would have to go to court for temporary custody schedule. These hearings are not easy to get during covid. She can easily drag it out for a year increasing his legal bills. I am not saying OP would easily get full custody but she can make life difficult enough for dad if he moves out like that.

NP. TERRIBLE, short sighted advice here. That money should be put towards a family counselor for the child, maybe all involved. Not spending thousands of dollars to start a pissing war with the child in flux. It is terrible to suffer in a holding pattern and you may as well just light money on fire. It is financially ignorant and stupid and immature. I hate seeing petty vs petty. At some point, take responsibility and make lemonades out of lemons.

+1, and OP deserves better and hopefully she will find a better man when she's ready. How you handle a divorce/custody impacts your child life long. If you cannot work it out, get a counselor involved. Taking a child away from their parent isn't a win for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

DP. I hear you. It’s horrible and dad is an asshole. But you cannot control a person. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. It is illegal.

Or doesn’t matter whether the father is married, cheating, gay or a priest. If he is on the birth certificate, he has guardianship and parental rights. Custody and visitation can be changed at any time, with or without a marriage/divorce, until the child is 18.

The misinformation is dangerous. I tried to offer 50/50, my ex wanted nothing but biweekly weekend dad, especially during the tough toddler yeas. He missed out on a ears he will never see because he was angry that I was “taking his parent away”. I was not unfaithful, I tried nesting. Options to transition or rent the house to allow a period to reconcile if counseling attended — nothing.

There are two issues. One is the issue of the father’s rights and the mother’s rights; the other the obligation to do what is in the child’s best interest. It both parents cannot be mature enough to do it, than AT LEAST ONE should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

No, he doesn't need her consent or an order. As a parent you can do what you want until there is an order. No one is saying that he is not wanted in the other household. Dad is wanting every other weekend as its easy but why agree and make it easy on him. There are no allegations of abuse or neglect, just poor marital behavior. Mom isn't going to get to control what happens on Dad's time. You are setting this up for a horrible custody battle when that money can be better spent on the child.

No, as long as they are married and there is no separation agreement in place, dad doesn't have right to take the kid wherever. She has right not to let her child stay these overnights. Dad needs to visit his son to maintain the connection, one overnight in 2 weeks won't add much to his relationship with the son. Daily contact is needed for any healthy child-parent relationship, not necessarily overnights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

Even if son doesn't sleep over he's still exposed. Why give Dad a free pass and take away parenting from him? He still is a parent and needs to do it 50% of the time? Sheltering the kid from it is only going to make it worse, not better.

Dad has already bailed on 50/50 and now wants the son to go sleep at a stranger's house. I can't imagine telling my 9 year old they have to do that. I'd hold my ground until dad at least came up with an agreement that eases the kid into this. Obviously you can't stop it forever but the father is making a choice to leave. Doesn't mean the mom and kid have to subject to his every whim.

You realize you and your husband at one point were strangers. You don't get to say he loses custody and if he went to court, you could lose given you are withholding the child. Once you separate, regardless of the reason, you don't get to dictate things.

I don't think so. The situation here is the father is leaving the family home to move in with another woman. I am not suggesting the OP can cut off all contact with the father, but she also very much has the upper hand in this situation. If he leaves without a separation agreement then all bets are off.

No, she doesn't necessarily and a judge may not be happy if she cuts off ties or contact. And, you hurt the child. Why would you do that to your child? Tell him if he had time for an affair, he has time to share custody. You don't let him bail. Regardless of if you like or not, the AP is there to stay (till he cheats on her).

Are you able to read?

No one is suggesting the mother cut off contact between the father and child except you. But there's a lot of space between no contact and overnights at Dad's girlfriend's house after Dad has just moved out of the family home.

I would not make my 9 year old son spend the night at a stranger's house just because my husband started banging said stranger.

[Anonymous]

Otherwise the court will. In my case, there was a guardian ad litem assigned to my child because of the stupidity immaturity and abusive delay tactics from my ex-husband. There were months we were almost evicted and the child had no insurance while I was disabled — ans he threw it to an attorney that did nothing but feed his ego.

People need to set their personal feelings aside for children. It is unfair to put them in such a crappy situation. The answer isn’t forced marriage until 18 or complete abandonment.

Grow up! Parent the child you have instead of demonstrating childish behavior.

I don’t know all the specifics, but kids are innocent and I get so frustrated seeing them caught up in MESS.

[Anonymous]

If ex leaves the martial home with out a separation agreement in place it's abandonment. She should consult her attorney.

[Anonymous]

Dad simply wants that overnight for convenience. So he doesn't need to visit his son as often at the former marital house in a different town. I bet he also insists that mom drives the child to the AP house. It seems to him that "overnight" would build his father-son relationship. NO, IT WON'T. It will only mess up the child psychologically.
Just a free rider jerk all around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any leverage to include it in your divorce settlement agreement?

Include what?

It is a very typical divorce settlement clause that the new partners not to be introduced to kids until after 6-12 months AFTER the divorce. I understand you are not even divorced yet! Basically he abandons you and your son, and yet wants some overnights. This is insane, I would only offer him visitation in such situation and request full custody and increased child support

You guys are so delusional. There is no abandonment. You are allowed to leave. Certainly he’s not abandoning the child if he wants overnighted. You don’t get full custody and increased child support in these circumstances. You all are so unrealistic and talking from a place of such naïveté that you offer nothing helpful for OP.

How is he going to enforce his custody rights, if the OP just refuses these overnights? There is no divorce settlement agreement in place, and the husband would have to go to court for temporary custody schedule. These hearings are not easy to get during covid. She can easily drag it out for a year increasing his legal bills. I am not saying OP would easily get full custody but she can make life difficult enough for dad if he moves out like that.

Court/custody battle. If Dad is a decent Dad, you need to keep your marriage out of it. He cheated on Mom, not the child. Granted cheating does impact parenting but if it was an issue many mom's would not get custody too. Courts don't care about cheating. And, you only hurt the child. And, she's also increasing his legal bills. There is no guarantee a judge will grant her attorney fees. So, they can end up fighting for years, huge attorney fees and then what? A child struggling as the parents are too busy fighting to put him first?

He can walk out on his marriage but don't give him a free pass to walk out on his child.

DP. 100% this. However remember it is his option to walk out if he wants; he’ll, he could terminate his parental rights ans allow the child to be completely in mom’s custody. Mom could do the same and the child be a ward of the court. These are all rights and options parents have. Each is supposed to always put the interest of the CHILD first. Not the marriage status, not the bank account, not the romance and “love”, not the infidelity or recencge.

The CHILD. ALL CHILDREN however many are involved. And any “AP” that loved him would support the best means for that to happen; everyone is going to compromise. No one wins in a divorce. You just try to avoid as much loss as you can. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If ex leaves the martial home with out a separation agreement in place it's abandonment. She should consult her attorney.

This is true there are different terms foe when separation begins too. Virginia allowed in house separation to start the clock; Maryland recently updated their laws around this.

Oh, and there are emergency custody hearings that take priority over squabbling on who will pay medical. But it better be worth the courts time.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions in this thread.

Ultimately, especially without a separation agreement in place, your STBX has every right to do as he pleases with your child. Whether or not that is in your child's best interest I don't know, but legally you don't have a leg to stand on, which you but not others in this thread understand.

It's clear that you are concerned about your DS, so instead of focusing on what your STBX does, as long as he's not putting your child in grave danger (and no, even a 'revolving door of women' is not considered grave danger), focus on what you can do. Be the best parent you can be. If your child seems to need a neutral third party, find a counselor. Just be matter of fact - "it's your time with your dad. Have a great time and I look forward to seeing you when you get back!"

It may very well be in your DS's best interest to spend most of the time with you. While it's not fair in the sense of an equal distribution of labor, arbitrarily deciding that your ex needs to do 50% is not wise, especially if he doesn't want to.

I think your gut is telling you what to do. As someone who has been divorced for over 10 years and whose son was exposed early on to the AP, we now live a happy, independent life as my ex has dropped out of sight (he never pursued custody and we relocated, with permission from him and the court). My son is well adjusted and knows which parent has taken care of him and provided for him. Fair? I don't know. But not a bad ending at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

No, he doesn't need her consent or an order. As a parent you can do what you want until there is an order. No one is saying that he is not wanted in the other household. Dad is wanting every other weekend as its easy but why agree and make it easy on him. There are no allegations of abuse or neglect, just poor marital behavior. Mom isn't going to get to control what happens on Dad's time. You are setting this up for a horrible custody battle when that money can be better spent on the child.

This is so true. The advice to try to manipulate and control a parent (mother or father!) through a “separation agreement” which isn’t legally enforceable until decree anyway, is just horrible for the child and their environment. Go to court, have a shared custody hearing, set a trial date. Request terms. Why meet the EX & AP on their level? Do the best you can, to give the child a place of emotional well-being and don’t throw away opportunities for financial security with that child too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions in this thread.

Ultimately, especially without a separation agreement in place, your STBX has every right to do as he pleases with your child. Whether or not that is in your child's best interest I don't know, but legally you don't have a leg to stand on, which you but not others in this thread understand.

It's clear that you are concerned about your DS, so instead of focusing on what your STBX does, as long as he's not putting your child in grave danger (and no, even a 'revolving door of women' is not considered grave danger), focus on what you can do. Be the best parent you can be. If your child seems to need a neutral third party, find a counselor. Just be matter of fact - "it's your time with your dad. Have a great time and I look forward to seeing you when you get back!"

It may very well be in your DS's best interest to spend most of the time with you. While it's not fair in the sense of an equal distribution of labor, arbitrarily deciding that your ex needs to do 50% is not wise, especially if he doesn't want to.

I think your gut is telling you what to do. As someone who has been divorced for over 10 years and whose son was exposed early on to the AP, we now live a happy, independent life as my ex has dropped out of sight (he never pursued custody and we relocated, with permission from him and the court). My son is well adjusted and knows which parent has taken care of him and provided for him. Fair? I don't know. But not a bad ending at all.

All seems right in this post, except that the wife has full rights, too, in relation to her son overnights in the absence of the separation agreement. Why is that he can take the son wherever, and at the same time she can't NOT let him take him wherever? It's him leaving the marital home, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been separated (in-house) for over 6 months now due to infidelity on his part. He announced to me last night that he plans to move into AP's house before the end of the month and expects to have our DS (9) overnight there with him during his every other weekend time. Problem is, DS doesn't know AP exists and thinks we split up bc "we just couldn't get along anymore." I have been advised that I can't do much to stop this scenario, so I'm asking for tips on how to handle the situation in the best way to help my DS through it. I am sick thinking of DS having to share space with a perfect stranger, in her house, in another town.

Has anyone BTDT?

I know some people write no opposite sex partners sleeping over when you have the kids into their separation agreements. Do you have a separation agreement?

Because if you don't have something you both agreed to in writing I would tell this jerk to pound sand. Your son isn't sleeping over and being exposed to your ex's $h!tshow.

Even if son doesn't sleep over he's still exposed. Why give Dad a free pass and take away parenting from him? He still is a parent and needs to do it 50% of the time? Sheltering the kid from it is only going to make it worse, not better.

Dad has already bailed on 50/50 and now wants the son to go sleep at a stranger's house. I can't imagine telling my 9 year old they have to do that. I'd hold my ground until dad at least came up with an agreement that eases the kid into this. Obviously you can't stop it forever but the father is making a choice to leave. Doesn't mean the mom and kid have to subject to his every whim.

You realize you and your husband at one point were strangers. You don't get to say he loses custody and if he went to court, you could lose given you are withholding the child. Once you separate, regardless of the reason, you don't get to dictate things.

I don't think so. The situation here is the father is leaving the family home to move in with another woman. I am not suggesting the OP can cut off all contact with the father, but she also very much has the upper hand in this situation. If he leaves without a separation agreement then all bets are off.

No, she doesn't necessarily and a judge may not be happy if she cuts off ties or contact. And, you hurt the child. Why would you do that to your child? Tell him if he had time for an affair, he has time to share custody. You don't let him bail. Regardless of if you like or not, the AP is there to stay (till he cheats on her).

Are you able to read?

No one is suggesting the mother cut off contact between the father and child except you. But there's a lot of space between no contact and overnights at Dad's girlfriend's house after Dad has just moved out of the family home.

I would not make my 9 year old son spend the night at a stranger's house just because my husband started banging said stranger.

+1, but I smell angry dad troll nearby. He and SMG are always lurking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

No, he doesn't need her consent or an order. As a parent you can do what you want until there is an order. No one is saying that he is not wanted in the other household. Dad is wanting every other weekend as its easy but why agree and make it easy on him. There are no allegations of abuse or neglect, just poor marital behavior. Mom isn't going to get to control what happens on Dad's time. You are setting this up for a horrible custody battle when that money can be better spent on the child.

This is so true. The advice to try to manipulate and control a parent (mother or father!) through a “separation agreement” which isn’t legally enforceable until decree anyway, is just horrible for the child and their environment. Go to court, have a shared custody hearing, set a trial date. Request terms. Why meet the EX & AP on their level? Do the best you can, to give the child a place of emotional well-being and don’t throw away opportunities for financial security with that child too.

Why should the MOTHER go to court, set the trial etc? It seems that dad wants zero expense AND at the same time overnights at his whim. If that's the case, HE should go hire a lawyer with a retainer and take matters to trial. Instead, he just wants her to agree to his terms without spending a cent. And the terms are not good for the child, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone - the couple is still MARRIED! Her husband wants to move away to his mistress and insists on overnights. For that he needs his wife's consent, or a temporary custody agreement/court order. It seems to me the husband insists on doing it "his way" without any legal rights to do so or any expense. Mom can just as easily say no to her child leaving the marital home stating overnights with a stranger, basically. Just like she can say no to field trips, overnight camps etc

Besides, all those 50/50 fans - it doesn't look like AP or dad even want the child 50/50. They only want to "host" once in a while. You can't force 50/50 even via court on any parent. And it will be unhealthy and psychologically damaging for the child to be in a household where he's not wanted.

No, he doesn't need her consent or an order. As a parent you can do what you want until there is an order. No one is saying that he is not wanted in the other household. Dad is wanting every other weekend as its easy but why agree and make it easy on him. There are no allegations of abuse or neglect, just poor marital behavior. Mom isn't going to get to control what happens on Dad's time. You are setting this up for a horrible custody battle when that money can be better spent on the child.

This is so true. The advice to try to manipulate and control a parent (mother or father!) through a “separation agreement” which isn’t legally enforceable until decree anyway, is just horrible for the child and their environment. Go to court, have a shared custody hearing, set a trial date. Request terms. Why meet the EX & AP on their level? Do the best you can, to give the child a place of emotional well-being and don’t throw away opportunities for financial security with that child too.

Why should the MOTHER go to court, set the trial etc? It seems that dad wants zero expense AND at the same time overnights at his whim. If that's the case, HE should go hire a lawyer with a retainer and take matters to trial. Instead, he just wants her to agree to his terms without spending a cent. And the terms are not good for the child, either.

It literally is free to file for custody. You go to the court and you fill it out. The order is the authority she is seeking that is why she does it, because she isn’t petty AF, and won’t create more drama by pouting about who does what first. You request the court help. You go to the hearing. You don’t have to have a lawyer for everything. You don’t have to have a trial. You can find settlement packets online that walk you through all considerations Stupid people that don’t understand the point and purpose of the law and its enforcement. An order provides mom AND dad with custody or both of them shared. It makes it clear I’d god forbis something horrible happen medically or in an emergency otherwise.

If they (mom and dad) cannot figure it out, a judge will. And rule. Eventually.

Counselors (legal) — my heart goes out to those of you with clients in this area. Good grief.