Separated soon to be ex H is moving in with AP... DS has never met her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back - Thank you to those who responded with empathy and concrete advice. This is a situation no one wants their child to be in.

To respond to a few posters - AP does not have any children yet. She is much younger than soon to be ExH and myself.

I hope I didn't come across as having any intention of alienating my son from his father. If anything I have protected them both all along, keeping adult issues between the adults. I am not naïve though, this situation will be extremely difficult for DS who is already having a hard enough time with the idea of divorce.

DS is a bright boy and is definitely going to put 2 and 2 together eventually. We have only been separated 6 months and his father and a new woman are moving in together already. I imagine most kids would understand what's going on. What I am trying to do is figure out how I can be the best support to him through this. I don't want to lie to him if he outright asks me about the situation, but I also don't want to unnecessarily burden him with his father's mistakes.

I will ask my therapist to recommend a co-parenting specialist. I'm not convinced DH will come, but it will at least be documented that I am trying to put DS's needs first. Those of you telling me to get over it and move on - trust me, I want nothing more. My DS however, loves his father and this shock may not be so easy for him.

I will also speak with my lawyer again about potentially putting a provision in place that protects DS from this situation, even if only temporarily. I would like him to meet and get to know AP before having to spend the night at her house. As I said earlier, he has no idea she exists. We haven't yet finalized a separation or settlement agreement. As you can imagine, it's difficult to negotiate with an untrustworthy person.

Thanks again.

I would urge caution here with an eye to the future. If AP is younger is there a possibility she and your STBex will quickly marry and might have more children? If so, your DC may have half-siblings one day and you DO NOT want to set up a situation now where your son cannot make healthy connections with those children, no matter how you feel towards your STBex and AP.

Unless dad has hefty assets for inheritance, I wouldn't worry about his other kids with AP. There are many situations when the older child from previous marriage is used as a baby sitter for babies. My friend's ex-husband made 2 kids with 2nd wife. When his second marriage also fell apart because of his unreliable character, my friend's 10 y.o. daughter basically became a nanny to his 2 younger kids. She hated it, and stopped visiting her dad when she turned 14

Big surprise there, no ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

+1

The woman SAHM cheater I know left all of the parenting stuff to her working husband. She would send him out of town on college tour trips with her sons so she could arrange to bang her AP. Any chance she got, the AP took priority over anything family related. If he was free, she was there.

They are selfish and self-centered. Their needs above all others. Then they do mental gymnastics that it doesn’t affect anyone else and they deserve happiness. Child-like, really. Emotionally stunted individuals recreating their own childhood histories.

Here we go again. Still not gonna divorce your DH who found this woman on Ashley Madison. Lol.

DP. I thought the same thing!! Yes, yes, we know lady, she is a whoremonger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

I read they are more likely to leave when they have daughters than sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

I read they are more likely to leave when they have daughters than sons.

This is true and anecdotally very sad in the AA community. It is frustrating as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

I read they are more likely to leave when they have daughters than sons.

This is true and anecdotally very sad in the AA community. It is frustrating as hell.

I wonder if the opposite is true with women. The two cheating women I know about had sons and they were “girlie” women and pretty checked out with their sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

I read they are more likely to leave when they have daughters than sons.

Why’s is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dad fine, but he needs to sit down with you and son and tell son that he's leaving to move in with a "friend" or his girlfriend or what ever word he chooses and that he'll be visiting there. I'd tell Dad he gets 50/50 custody. Don't do like PP said and have him choose between his parents. But, don't let Dad let out of being a parent and doing his share.

OP again - He does not want 50/50 bc he has a demanding essential job, and AP lives far enough away that it makes weekday overnights a struggle. And of course, because he wants as much child-free time as possible with AP.

Tough. He has a kid! He can’t force you to take more than fifty fifty.

If he only takes the kid eow, he needs to give you way more child support. Make sure you insist on that if you allow less than fifty fifty.

Exactly. By not accepting 50/50 he is forcing op to accept more than 50/50, which is a whole lot of BS. OP sounds like a decent mom. She should not roll over (and I would say the same if she were the father). Why should mom be the only one constrained by parenting ESPECIALLY if he is leaving the marriage. Within marriage there was more ability to be flexible on the effort given at any given time. But not any more.

I think in this situation a smart move for mom would be to say "look, he only wanted 1 overnight" and insist on full custody and child support. Even if he "accepts" 50/50, it will stay only on paper, with mom getting much less child support as ultimate outcome, and dad not performing his 50% duties. This is what happens most often.

Anecdotally in the case of my parents and several childhood friends, parents who refused 50/50 not only spent less time with their kids but also skipped out on the child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

I read they are more likely to leave when they have daughters than sons.

Why’s is that?

Couples with daughters are more likely to divorce:

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/daughters-breed-divorce-boys-blessing-daughters-curse/story?id=11804444

https://www.economist.com/science-and-technology/2021/02/06/parents-of-daughters-are-more-likely-to-divorce-than-those-with-sons

https://www.economist.com/1843/2016/05/03/are-sons-the-secret-to-a-long-lasting-marriage

Not only that, they are also more likely to take paternity leave with sons:

https://qz.com/564775/men-are-much-more-likely-to-take-paternity-leave-if-they-have-sons/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

This. Just tell him dad met someone else now, end of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

This. Just tell him dad met someone else now, end of story.

And that kid is going to have a whole host of abandonment issues seeing that you can just walk away from your wife and kids any day of the week and go almost no contact. Get the therapist chair ready midlife when he walks out on his own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

This. Just tell him dad met someone else now, end of story.

And that kid is going to have a whole host of abandonment issues seeing that you can just walk away from your wife and kids any day of the week and go almost no contact. Get the therapist chair ready midlife when he walks out on his own family.

Divorce. Him. Already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you think she poses a danger to your child?

If yes, then definitely use any information you have to block your ex's custody arrangements in her presence.

If no, then stop being jealous and get with the program, because the sooner you do, the better off your child will be.

This. Just tell him dad met someone else now, end of story.

And that kid is going to have a whole host of abandonment issues seeing that you can just walk away from your wife and kids any day of the week and go almost no contact. Get the therapist chair ready midlife when he walks out on his own family.

Divorce. Him. Already.

Kid is 9. He knows something is wrong at home. He knows Dad is gone a lot. Just be honest with the kid and say Dad is moving and and going to live with a "friend." Get an attorney or if you agree to all the terms DIY and file for divorce. Tell husband to get out and move ready. He can have 50-50 or every other weekend. He needs to start paying child support and his share of expenses if he paid the majority until the house can be sold and you can go somewhere more affordable. This isn't a marriage worth saving. He made his choice. OP deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

Not from what we see. Its pretty equal with everyone we know. You must have married wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blown away by all the stories of parents (mostly dads) who only want random weekends. The idea that one parent can give the other to do 95% of the parenting is so unfair in principle - even though the moms put in this situation seem to universally put their kids first.

I also think this thread should be required reading for all the cheaters who write on these forums that the cheating doesn’t affect the kids, the kids don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives, etc. These cheaters throw a bomb in their kids’ lives and don’t even care.

Really?

I am not saying "all men" here, but there is no denying that mothers do the great majority of childcare even in an intact marriage. I don't find it surprising that a man that is leaving his wife and child for another woman isn't very interested in parenting.

+1 If you combine the fact that most men in opposite sex relationships do very little hands-on parenting, and the fact that this guy believes himself to be "in love," it isn't surprising that he's backing off anything like 50/50 custody.