Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...
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Anonymous
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Seriously dude. You're a controlling ass. You feel emasculated that you're tending the children while she's at work. Does she earn more than you? I bet that stings. You seem pissed that your finances are separate as well. You might want to consider getting over your misogynistic self and listening to other people. Or at least taking responsibility for your role in things. You say you take responsibility but then place all the blame squarely on your wife. That's the opposite of taking responsibility.
I'd suggest therapy to get over your issues but you seem so narcissistic I doubt it would help. |
Anonymous
You're insufferable. First of all, it's also your fault if your baby wasn't getting fed. When you realized your wife was tired (depressed or whatever), you should've stepped up, bought some formula and fed your child. But it sounds like you have this idealized notion of how a mother should be. You don't sound willing to sacrifice your career or even your gym time, and you have the nerve to complain about your wife? And if you were so unhappy about how your wife was with the first child, why did YOU have a second one. It isn't like your wife made a baby by herself. You sound passive-aggressive, old-fashioned, terribly rigid and judgmental. You are part of the problem. No wonder she wants an education and a career. She probably doesn't want to be trapped with you or reliant on you or have to have you dictating what she should be doing during the day. |
Anonymous
| You sound extremely difficult to live with and be married to. See a therapist OP- you are NOT always right. |
Anonymous
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Sorry I didn't realize how long my post was. To shorten it and leaving out the part trying to defend myself. (which made it long)
I would like to see a return of a strong family presence and also for people to realize the sacrifices that comes with being a parent. This means that you don't just hand over your kids whenever you can and raise your kids on your own. And I question if some of the excesses in life are necessary. This was a major issue for me with our first kid. I already went into the details in all of my other posts. But I know my wife is making an effort to spend more time with the kids. So it's actually not as major if an issue now as it was. I still get mad and resentful when she doesn't make it home in time for dinner and I do count the hours she works. There are actually periods where we don't talk to each other and I don't include her in some activities since she doesn't make an effort to be part of the family. But I try on my end too. What brought this all out was something triggering memories in the past. And in arguing any minor issue that may have been lingering. I feel better now that everything has been said. I felt awful the way it came out and my oldest kid witnessing it. I know that we are very different people and that is the cause of a lot of our issues. I just wanted an avenue to express that I feel as people put their own needs in front of their kids and how there's the perception that moms do all of the work. I've always wanted to mention the issues with the first kid. I've come close to hinting it or something but never felt appropriate to mention or describe. I'd have to reread my first post to see how I got into the details about the NICU and breastfeeding issues. But thanks again for listening and your feedback! |
Anonymous
The issue with the finances is a touchy point. But it's my choice. Basically during the housing bubble my wife wanted us to buy a home together. But I refused because I didn't feel the timing was right and we already had my home that I bought several years earlier. We had other underlying issues as well. So she went off and bought a home on her own and moved out. Since she decided to go do her own thing, I refuse to combine our finances. Where if we just pooled our money we would be in a lot better place now. And I hate to sound like a dick but I was right about it. Where I know that whenever I point it out now she always tells me how she hates me and wants to divorce me. But I'm sure that there will be bright sides in owning that property and I do let her handle finances when it comes to the shared accounts and finances for the kids. |
Anonymous
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I forgot to mention that as much as I'm getting beat up over the breastfeeding, the only difference between me and the nurses at the hospital was that my wife wouldn't say no to the nurses. So while I would beg my wife to try to feed our baby, the nurses basically gave her no other option. And being the new parents we were, we just weren't prepared in having formula and didn't get it until after the incident that required going back to the hospital. I don't remember why we didn't get the formula. We probably didn't foresee the issues that would come up with breastfeeding but I was also a firm believer in breastfeeding and was scared to use formula. (but that wouldn't have been the reason why we didn't have it) And as mentioned in a previous post, this is something that is a point of pride for my wife now.
There was an article somewhere recently talking about how mothers don't get the attention they need or deserve after child delivery. Where immediately after child delivery the focus is on the child. Such as the focus on immediate skin to skin contact, breast feeding, etc. I can't remember the point and details about the article but that's what I mean that's part of the sacrifices that come with being a mother.(the point of the article was probably opposite of mine) I know it's easy for me to say and I'll lose some of the people who might've slightly supported me. And it might be part of my narcissism, which I still don't agree with, but a lot of the issues I can point to being right. Another time my wife declared her hatred for me was when she was trying to point out some of the things that I said or did but I was always able to point out how I was right. And I guess that's a definition a previous poster used on narcissism. But if I warn or tell someone to do something and they don't listen and what I warn about happens, you better believe that I'll be mad about it. For example I mentioned issues during our second pregnancy. It may be an old wives tale but it's a belief that maternity belts will prevent a baby from turning and not to use it. And when I found out my wife was using it kept insisting that she not and showed her the links that mentioned the issues with maternity belts. But it was the same thing, "It's my body, you don't know what I'm going through" But sure enough we had an issue where the baby wasn't turned by the doctor's deadline. So had to go with the doctor's procedure to turn the baby. I was uncomfortable with the procedure the whole time because of the risks involved and what I read online about someone with a case where umbilical cord ended up getting wrapped around the baby's neck. But in the end, agreed that it was better to go through the procedure rather than risk having a breach birth. During the procedure, I heard the nurses and doctor kept mentioning how the baby's heart stopped during the procedure and whenever I brought it up to my wife she dismissed me. But later on sure enough when the baby was born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around it's neck and would've required a c-section of the baby didn't make it out by the time it did. Wether or not this was due to the maternity belt is debatable. But my point is that if you don't listen to me and it looks like what I was warning about happens, you better believe I won't be happy. And that's basically what sparked our argument the other night, which wasn't child related. Anyways update on us. I think we might be okay but we'll see(thanks for the posts that supported us). You might gather that we fight a lot but this time I decided to air some dirty laundry (in hopes of getting some support). I know some of you all feel for my wife and kids. My wife does say I'm controlling. For my kids, one of the things about a constant presence might be controlling. But I don't see that as necessarily a bad thing and want to raise them properly. If you all think my issue was being emasculated, my wife making more money, or wanting my wife to give up her career and stay at home, you completely missed my point and situation. It might've been because I didn't communicate clearly and I know some of my posts were long and rambling. My point is that being a parent is not easy and requires sacrifices. For mothers more so than others in that they have to give their bodies as well. And I think a lot of people lose sight of that nowadays. |
Anonymous
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Omfg. Now you're blaming your wife for having a breech baby who needed to be turned, and for the umbilical cord being wrapped around the baby's neck. You're a piece of work.
What sources did you have about maternity belts? I googled and didn't see anything reputable saying not to use them. I know my doctor recommended I use one during pregnancy so they're not the evil you're making them out to be. What did her doctor recommend as far as wearing the belt is concerned? I'm sure you went to all the prenatal appointments and addressed your concerns with the doctor. |
Anonymous
What a loser. |
Anonymous
As I said it's a midwive's tale but I believe there is truth behind it. But who knows. The baby may not have turned because the umbilical cord was around it's neck to begin with. Where there was a post about and problems when trying to turn the baby. Or maybe the baby sensed the unfriendly environment and didn't want to come out. Who knows the point is if my wife listened to me and the baby still was breeched I wouldn't blame it on her and the belt. And the doctor did say there were no issues with a maternity belt and you're right I wasn't involved much in the second pregnancy. This was out of my choice and due to the issues we were having. There was another aquantice who made the comment that I didn't train my wife properly. I'll be the first to say that that's a dickheaded comment and I took issue with his style as well, where I had to help his wife with their baby before when she was trying to juggle multiple things while he was socializing. But there is some truth behind what he said where if I wasn't as involved as I was, my wife would be forced to adapt do what was necessary to take care of the first kid. But as mentioned the attention I gave to my first kid was my choice and decision based on what's important to me. I wasn't going to mention this because know that I'll get slammed. But I wouldn't just trust what doctors, nurses and studies say. Or whatever the latest trends are. For example it's said that c-sections are usually pushed for the benefit of the hospitals and not for the best interest of the baby.(also I know c-sections aren't that bad) And for our specific case it had to do with epiderals. Where while I wasn't crazy about the idea of an epideral, knew better than to put my opinion in it. But an epideral was a big deal to my wife and was something that she demanded right when stepping foot in the hospital. The issue is that for my wife's case the epideral shut down her body, where it stopped the contractions. And I attribute that to the 16 hour labor and might've took a toll on my wife's body. The second labor was unexpected and the hospital was real busy and swamped. So the person with the epideral was not available and we had to wait for a while. But the labor was moving along real quickly and everyone expected the baby to be delivered within an hour or two. But my wife eventually got the epideral and with the epideral I warned her about using too much because it would slow down the contractions like last time. My wife asked the nurse if this was true and the nurse basically wouldn't say and mentioned how her comfort was the most important thing. But sure enough once the epideral kicked in the contractions stopped and prolonged the delivery. Afterwards my wife admitted how she didn't know what a difference the epideral would make during her labor. And that goes back to what I said about self sacrifice and the same traits that is needed to workout. Where if you put up with the pain, it will be over with a lot sooner. And I know I'm not the one that has to deal with the pain and not it's fair to make a judgement on this. And it's not anything I really pushed for one way or another other than giving her the warning/reminder. So you can't just go with what doctors and medical staff recommends and have to go with what you think is best and common sense. And with things like midwives tales, I think they're based on something that leads to the beliefs. So I know that I sound like a narcissist but I feel like I've been proven right enough times. Another post described me as rigid and old fashioned and I admit that that is an accurate statement. Anyways I'm done arguing and trying to get others to see my point. |
Anonymous
You sound like a dick about a lot of things, not just this. I bet she wishes she had moved out and kept on going. You are a piece of work dude. |
Anonymous
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1. It's old wives' tales, not midwives tales. Midwives are educated medical professionals who would most likely tell you to stfu about medical bands and epidural a because you don't know what you're talking about.
2. You can't trust doctors as medical studies but you trust old wives tales. Mmmmkay. You're not just an emotionally abusive, controlling misogynist, you're anti-science too. Awesome. 3. I seriously hope you don't have more children. I also hope when you do divorce her, at the custody hearing, you share all these opinions with the judge. Especially about what a bad mother she is for wanting to bottle feed, working on her masters, and using a maternity belt. I hope you say it loudly and repeat it many times in case the judge doesn't get it the first time. 4. Where are you from originally? Are you from a culture that generally oppresses women? Does your wife have the same cultural background? |
Anonymous
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OP I'm not surprised that you're always right. Because you'll always find a way to be. You examine an outcome, figure out a way to trace it back to your point, and attribute causality. Regardless of logic. Your baby had a nuchal cord, therefore you must have been right about maternity belts. You opposed an epidural and labor was prolonged, therefore you were right about the epidural. Never mind that this was your wife's labor, not yours. Never mind that your wife endured exhausting and frightening events in labor. You were right. And that's what matters, correct?
Your disregard for your wife as a human being with agency is both chilling and deeply ingrained. I doubt you have the insight to see this. I wish your wife and children peace as they move through life with you. It won't be easy. A few facts, for your edification: Incidence of full term breech presentations: 3-4% Incidence of nuchal cords: 8-30%. ACOG evidence connecting either event with use of maternity support belts: none Source: ACOG - a physician |
Anonymous
Thanks for the correction. But there's a movement with natural births as well. Such as Bradley Births and The Truth About Birth. But as mentioned my wife choosing to go with the epideral isn't that big of a deal to me. The issue was being fully aware of the consequences and the advice of the nurse. Nowadays a lot of things in the medical field are watching out for their own best interest. So it's important to advocate for yourself if you think something is not right or if there is a way you want something done. Also my cultural doesn't matter. As mentioned I've come to realize that it's important to look at family and financial backgrounds when considering sharing a life together. Because a lot of time that will reflect if you will share the same values. As for if my cultural is male dominant, other than maybe being trying to be controlling in getting what I want, I don't see how that is related to the issue. As what I'm describing applies to both men and women. Where as mentioned I took issue with the guy who criticized me not "training" my wife and doesn't help out his wife. And know some families that are considered rich class, where the dad works tooth and nail to provide for an extravagant lifestyle. The wives work too but honestly the lifestyle is maintained by the husband. But at the same time it's an issue for the wives that the husbands are never home and spend time with the kids. So my question is that kind of lifestyle worth it. My own values, I value a strong family presence and every day possible. Not pushing your kids off to whomever whenever possible and trying to make up for it by some expensive trip or big party. Or in the case with our families, just the weekends. And I know several families of several cultures who share this value. So it's not a race or cultural thing. |
Anonymous
This stuck out to me like a sore thumb. You must be one of those mothers who completely gives up all sense of self identity once the kids arrive? Then you realize when the kids go off to college that you don't know what to do with yourself or even know who you are as an individual. Having kids does not mean you are no longer a person with individual needs and interests. You do realize the best kind of parent is a healthy one and part of being a healthy parent is having outside interactions with the world that are not related to your kids, right? It is ridiculous to think that EVERY waking moment outside of work needs to be spent with your child. It is important for both mothers and fathers to have relationships with friends that involve doing non kid related things. I personally think I would go insane if I did not have a group of girlfriends that I spent time with doing things that I love that are not necessarily related to just my kids! As long as you have a balance and you also have one on one time with your kids and they know you are emotionally available then I think it is a wonderful thing to maintain a self identity outside of being just "mom" and in no way shape or form is that "selfish". I think you need to get out of the house for a few hours and maybe have a glass of wine and some laughs and you might realize how therapeutic that really is! Good luck to you when your kids are 18 and move away..... |
Anonymous
| OMG!! This entire rant is about how his wife doesn't understand the sacrifices required of a parent. She carried the babies, she went through labor and delivery and HE gets to decide if she has made enough sacrifice or not. My husband was also very insistent on breast milk, our issues were different, pre term babies with latching issues and my milk supply was terribly low so formula it was. Other than that he never said a word as to what I do during 9 months and was supportive of everything like any regular spouse. I had mild Hormonal issues for 10 days after delivery, God if he had uttered a single word I would have packed his bags just because it was such a difficult, exhausting time for me. I pray for your wife, I hope she continues on the path of education and eventually take the kids and leave you for good. You are a piece of work. This is coming from someone who values FAMILY and would sacrifice it all for family. |