Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP a native English speaker? It...doesn't sound like it.

The only reason I ask is because it sounds like there might be a culture gap between OP and his wife about expectations for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know what your "plan" is, but if y'all can afford for you to stay home, then why don't you?

Maybe your wife should never have had kids, but the kids are here. Instead of pressing your wife to become someone she's not (because that's just not going to happen), step up and make sure your kids get what they need, even if that means doing it all yourself. Or, you know, making the sacrifice that having kids demand.

You sound like a piece of work. Why did YOU have a second child if your wife was so awful with the first? Why didn't YOU feed your child before NICU was an issue?

Crazy talk.

OP, the bitter harpies have circled the wagons! How dare you have the temerity to criticize a working mother. Everything she does or doesn't do is your fault!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things like the couple leaving their kids in their car while wine tasting really doesn't surprise me.

I've been warning my wife that she was sacrificing her family for her education and career for a while and everything came to boil last night.

At the root of it is her selfishness, which there were signs of from the beginning of the relationship. But it didn't really hit me until our first kid came and I saw how often she put her own needs ahead of the first child.

And before you all say it's not fair to ask a woman to sacrifice her career growth, I get that. But I made sacrifices too where I turned down higher paying jobs (and staying at a job that I'm not crazy about) because I knew it would affect my family life. And it pisses me off to no end when she kept on insisting that I accept one of the offers because that meant basically leaving our child in daycare all day and probably would not even have been manageable. At the the time our kid was already the first to arrive and the very last to leave.

And making that sacrifice might be okay but the lifestyle better be worth it. I also often tell her that we work as if we're rich (or upper middle class) but our lifestyle really doesn't reflect it. Where in our neighborhood there are a several homes that maintain a similar lifestyle to ours and they have a parent staying at home. And I know several families that make less income but have a solid family. And part of this is also due to the separation of our finances, which again like I said other underlying issues.

I guess part of it comes down to values. I've always known that I wanted my focus to be on life and family.

Who knows maybe this is just a bump and we'll get past it. I'll give her credit that she does all of the physical things, like cleaning, cooking, etc, and she has made a bigger effort with the second kid. She also started to do more/better with the first kid after we bumped into an acquaintance from her social circle who made a comment that it was obvious which parent takes care of the kid by seeing who the kid was more comfortable with. But the emotional and psychological part just isn't there.

But it is something that has been simmering for a while and as mentioned that there are other issues related to her selfishness as well. It doesn't surprise me at all when arguing last night how quickly she mentioned moving out and leaving me with the kids.

So we'll see. I feel like $hit about the kids though. As it was very important to me that they grow up in a strong/close family and want them to grow up in a happy environment. And normally try to control myself when we get into it but finally lost it last night with my oldest kid at my leg. My oldest kid is overcompensating now in his sweetness and trying to be good last night and this morning.

Anyways some of this is just venting, thanks for listening DCUM!

ps-it pisses me off to no end when I was the primary person taking of the kids and some people would go on and ask if I help out my wife in taking care of the kid.. Seriously...

All I can say is God Bless You OP. I am a woman who sacrificed my career to stay home with my kids. My kids are teens/young adults now and all I can say is I am so pleased with the people they have grown into. I was not always perfect, but I didn't want them raised by strangers. You understand that and I love you for it. You deserve better and so do your chlldren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

Not the PP but I have three children and she right. Listen to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, while I agree that you need therapy, I also feel for you and understand how hard it is to witness a mom not taking care of her kids in a proper way.
I have a SIL like that. She works long hours, travels, brings in a sh..tload of money, yes, but also keeps it separate. My brother is kind of forced to stay in his mommy track job, to take care of the kids and household. She also says she would support his taking on a better paying job, but would she step up with parental duties? No frickin' way!!!
I know my brother has a lot of resentment, he shared some with me. I totally understand his point and I also resent SIL for this, but here's what I keep telling him: divorce is not an option, and the best thing you can do is put kids first. If she is not there for them, let her take care of her career and you take care of the kids. They need you, they need someone to remember their medications, their school performances, all these small things.
SIL grew up in a family where her mom would pawn her off on any relative who was willing to do it, and still she thinks her mom is like the best mom in the world...I just hope that my nephews will not be like that, and will understand what their father was doing for them.
So, I say, for the sake of your kids: try to manage the resentment, put kids first, and be a good dad to them. It's really ok if you cook dinner and don't have the time to play with them at that very moment. Once they are around 3-4, you can TALK to them while doing things, and they can be your little helpers.
I say this also as a woman whose spouse is not great with kids. what can I do? If left to their own devices, they would spend a day in front of TV with maybe one more or less decent meal. But I got what I got, it was my fault marrying him, now I have to lay in this bed. I try to make sure the child gets fresh air, exercise, healthy food, and let daddy do the playing. It could be worse, really.

My husband is like your SIL, minus the sh*load of money since at 35 he is still in medical training and barely pulling $50k. I quit my job that I worked toward for 14 years and am stuck in a mommy track job that I hate. This is great and compassionate advice. And yes it will be so nice when the kids can talk.

I realize that the fact that SIL is a mother, not a father, influences my attitude a great deal. It's probably not fair.

[Anonymous]

Hi all. OP here. I last checked in consistently around page 8 a couple of days ago. Said that I'm not going to check this thread anymore or DCUM in general for that matter. As it seriously sucks a lot of time and takes me away from other things but it's hard to resist.

But I did want to post to let you know that you all are right.

When talking to my wife it was quickly apparent that she has serious resentment on her side of things.

I know that I've been a horrible person and hope to become a better one. I kind of know the root of the issues. Treating my wife badly was based on my insecurities and just turned me into a negative person. The thing with the kids is a little bit more complicated because I want what's best for my kids. But I know I have to change the way I do things and work better with her.

And you all are right where my bad attitude and mentality has affected other aspects of my life and I hope to improve on that as well.

Anyways I hope this isn't just a period of me overcompensating or if it is that if I swing back the other way, it won't be reverting to how I was before. Maybe somewhere in between if it does happen. But I guess the real test will be when we hit a bump in the road next.

Some comments that I was going to add before but decided not to post anymore:

-I get the gym thing. Guys may workout differently than most girls and is why I don't really give my opinions in the health/fitness section here. But there's really no substitute for the gym. I've tried various different workouts and while they're hard, are not the same. It comes down to sacrifices and I had to make some changes and my body and conditioning has changed for the worst in ways I never thought possible. Even my wife has pointed that out in the last several years. To be fair, I'm getting old too. But it's about priorities and while the gym used to be high on my priority list, my kids are higher.

-As for wanting kids. That was one of my issues. Where everything was on schedule for my wife. Where she decided when to have kids because it was the right time but then went back to focusing on work/career and thinking that it was okay to hand off the kid every chance possible. (and we already went through this so let's not go through this again)

Anyways thanks again for helping me see the light and hopefully changed me for the better. Especially the two posts a couple of days ago. I think one time was at 18:00 and the other one shortly afterwards maybe on Friday or Saturday night. Like I said, I didn't really understand or think about it until reading those two posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all. OP here. I last checked in consistently around page 8 a couple of days ago. Said that I'm not going to check this thread anymore or DCUM in general for that matter. As it seriously sucks a lot of time and takes me away from other things but it's hard to resist.

But I did want to post to let you know that you all are right.

When talking to my wife it was quickly apparent that she has serious resentment on her side of things.

I know that I've been a horrible person and hope to become a better one. I kind of know the root of the issues. Treating my wife badly was based on my insecurities and just turned me into a negative person. The thing with the kids is a little bit more complicated because I want what's best for my kids. But I know I have to change the way I do things and work better with her.

And you all are right where my bad attitude and mentality has affected other aspects of my life and I hope to improve on that as well.

Anyways I hope this isn't just a period of me overcompensating or if it is that if I swing back the other way, it won't be reverting to how I was before. Maybe somewhere in between if it does happen. But I guess the real test will be when we hit a bump in the road next.

Some comments that I was going to add before but decided not to post anymore:

-I get the gym thing. Guys may workout differently than most girls and is why I don't really give my opinions in the health/fitness section here. But there's really no substitute for the gym. I've tried various different workouts and while they're hard, are not the same. It comes down to sacrifices and I had to make some changes and my body and conditioning has changed for the worst in ways I never thought possible. Even my wife has pointed that out in the last several years. To be fair, I'm getting old too. But it's about priorities and while the gym used to be high on my priority list, my kids are higher.

-As for wanting kids. That was one of my issues. Where everything was on schedule for my wife. Where she decided when to have kids because it was the right time but then went back to focusing on work/career and thinking that it was okay to hand off the kid every chance possible. (and we already went through this so let's not go through this again)

Anyways thanks again for helping me see the light and hopefully changed me for the better. Especially the two posts a couple of days ago. I think one time was at 18:00 and the other one shortly afterwards maybe on Friday or Saturday night. Like I said, I didn't really understand or think about it until reading those two posts.

OP maybe now that you see the light you should go to therapy? Even if it's not with your wife, you should go get some insight into why you behave the way you do and think the way you do. You married someone and assumed that she would have the same way of viewing having kids but she doesn't and you need to make your peace with that and find a new normal. It's not her fault that you don't want to let your kids stay in daycare longer so you can go to the gym and then complain and resent her for it. Guess what? Taking time to do your own thing even if it's just going to the gym is OK and doesn't make you a bad parent. If you value spending that time with your children more than going to the gym then that's great for you, but don't resent your wife for not seeing it the same way.